Friends with rights?

Why do people let this kind of relatinships go, "We are best friends and still are intimate", what could be the state of mind of a person that thinks this is possible? or am I a square type of person that thinks good friendship with anyone should be sex free?

[Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D.]

Friends with benefits is often neither. It's not really a friendship- this person doesn't care about you that much. And the benefits are kind of shallow- just when you are available and not much appreciation for your feelings.

     A different situtation is between two people who used to be lovers and now are " friends". If there is sex, it probably means that at least one person would really like to get back together and since they can't get him () or her) entirely back- they take whatever crumbs their " friend" will give them.  I think people have a lot of trouble letting go- and will take whatever they can get -even if it is a minimal kind of commitment and intimacy.

  I agree with you- a friendship is almost by definition, sex free. Confusing the two ( except as in the phrase " my lover is my best friend") is really confusing to one or both people. I am sure there is an exception to every rule but I think you are right- sex awakens other emotions and expectations- keep friends, friends, and lovers, lovers.

[oceans3]

i guess i am one of those people too who think its something special. guess thats why i am 37 and have had sex with one guy and ended up marrying him. gee, guess i should have waited a bit to explore! i am probablt missing something! LOL...anyway, those who have sex with "friends" will figure it all out one day.

[sk2006a]

look at it this way....why ruin a good relationship with sex?  seriously, i don't know how anyone can ping pong back and forth between sex and friendship.  doesn't it seem like it would change the dynamics of the friendship?  i don't get it, either.  i'd rather make love with my husband or bf (that's boyfriend, not BEST friend lol) than have sex with a friend.

[monkeyflower]

I have sex with a lot of my friends... or should I say I'm friends with everyone I have sex with, lol. It's all in how you look at it. I don't ever confuse sex with love, and I put friendly sex on a par with having dinner together, or going to a movie. Actually, I've never been able to relate to the idea of sex ruining friendship. I guess because my mindset is completely different from most ;-)

[jojo24]

I have gone down that road before and I honestly have to say that it is d*** near impossible to be friends with someone you are having sex with.  99% of the time someone gets their feelings hurt because someone catches feelings and the other person doesn't have feelings like that.  I have been on both ends of the spectrum and it's not fun getting your heart broken nor is it fun breaking someone's heart.  I'm not against it, but I don't advise it, simply because it ends in disaster a lot of the time.

[sparkeler]

To each his own.  I personally agree with you.... But I have alot of girl friends and guy friends that **** each other.  Intimacy to me, is very sacred.  I'm just not that open to anyone except the one I'm inlove with.  But there are alot of horndogs out there.  I don't judge.

[Carolengy]

So I am not square, there still people that think sex should be treated as something precious and should be special, I still think I'm a weirdo thinking this way.

[sarah42nd]

jojo24 i agree with most of what you said ..ive been in this type of situation but where i screwed up is i had sex with him before we started dating and then we dated and then we broke up and were  still having  sex ..but its weird because we can say were not gf and bf but we are .we both lived together and slept in the same bed and only were with each other...but it just worked so much better when we didnt use the title gf or bf...i dont know why though. But anyways thats a whole nother story....but i do see what everyone saying i cant just go have sex with a so called friend ..it kind of weird to me but im not goning to judge them for that...if it works for them then hey...

[gypsy1]

Golly...I'm currently in a relationship in which we consider ourselves "friends with benefits."  When we had been going out about 2 weeks or so, my guy friend brought up the fact that he had no intention of getting married again. At this point in my life, I don't want to get married again either, and said so. We both agreed that a "friends with benefits" relationship suited us both at the moment. To be honest, it's much more than simply "friends with benefits."  Sure, we have sex -- and the sex is great -- but we cuddle and snuggle too. We hold hands driving in the car, sitting on the couch watching TV, walking through the mall. We are both very affectionate with each other. Originally the idea was that we'd see each other 2-3 times a week.  After the 3rd week of that, suddenly he's seeing me EVERY DAY. He comes over when I get out of work; I cook dinner; we watch TV and usually have sex. He goes home on weeknights, but we spend the weekends together, either at my house or at his house. What we have, in fact, is a relationship without CALLING it a relationship. I am well aware that he cares a lot about me, and he is well aware that I care a lot about him. We just don't SAY it.  Why?  I'm not actually sure. He's been married before, has grown kids and 2 grandkids under 7 (he's 62) and I've been married twice and have a 13 year old child (I'm 50 but look 30). SAYING we have a relationship doesn't really matter all that much to us -- we know we have one, we don't need to prove it.

[Kara2005]

Well, I read this and found it quite interesting so I thought I might try to put this sex/friend thing in perspective. Now I am in one of "these" relationships, which I find to be healthy and stimulating. I must say that I don't think it's for everyone, but I have a guy "friend" that I consider my bestfriend and we are intimate. It started out 2 years ago when we met, yeah, it was just a fling and we parted ways...but two years later we found eachother again and became really good friends. Since I had sex with him before, I kinda tought "what the hell"...but we do not have sex everytime we see eachother...we work out together, talk on the phone about our days, laugh, hang out and watch movies and have sex sometimes...which I must say is amazing! We are both single, and are safe, and I personally think it's alot healthier than sleeping around with a handful of people because knowing your partner is important. WE are both not ready to settle down, but we do respect one another and feel no need to complicate things right now. Maybe in the future things might change, who knows...but right now I am very content with the way things are. So I'm not knocking or condoning the friend/sex relationship because like I said, it's not for everyone...but with mutual understanding and respect, it can be a fun and special thing.