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Sexuality & Relationships (Expert Forum)
Getting premature ejaculation offlate
Answered by
Janice M Epp, PhD - Female sexual issues, Adolescent sexuality, Male sexual issues
Private Practice
Palo Alto - CA
This forum is for questions and support regarding relationship issues such as: Abstinence, Arousal Problems, Birth Control, Cohabitation, Commitment, Communication, Couples Counseling, Desire /Lack of Desire, Sexual Technique.
Getting premature ejaculation offlate
by pskchemistry, Apr 06, 2009 03:02PM
I have been facing this problem recently. I am ejaculating as soon as I enter into my girlfriend and start stroking. I never had this problem before, this is leaving our sexual relationship a bit dull. I have been trying out the control techniques but somehow they are not working. The head of my penis has become very sensitive. Is this common or symptom of any problem?
Doctor's Answer
by Janice M Epp, PhD, Apr 08, 2009 07:38PM
, Apr 08, 2009 07:38PMTo: pskchemistry
Hi.
If this is a relatively recent change for you, you should first examine what's different. Is this a new relationship? Are you anxious with this partner? Are there conflicts or other reasons you might subconsciously want to just get it over with?
During their early self-pleasuring experiments, many men learn a very quick orgasm pattern in order to avoid detection—like in the bathroom (“You’ve been in there for hours! What are you doing?”) So if you learned to come quickly when being sexual with yourself, that can also set up a lifelong pattern. Learning to come quickly with a partner can also set up this pattern. Guilt and anxiety about sex may also create a situation where some men just want to get it over with quickly so they won’t have to deal with any of those feelings. And, of course, if you’re focused on “performing,” rather than just enjoying yourself, your penis can become incredibly stubborn and uncooperative.
Once you learn to control your orgasm, realize that each man has an individual orgasmic pattern unique to him. A lot of this anxiety about “premature” ejaculation is based on paranoia, and the idea that it's somehow ideal to have erections last way longer than they tend to realistically for most men, most of the time. Sure, sometimes, a man might last 15 minutes, 30 minutes, even an hour, but 75% of all males have an orgasm within 2 minutes of beginning penis-vagina (p-v) sex. I wonder if you’ve asked your partner how long SHE’d like you to last? Are you thinking that if you last longer, somehow she’ll have an orgasm during p-v sex? The fact is that most women DON’T orgasm during p-v sex. It’s a much more effective way for men to orgasm than women, so please don’t attempt to reach some kind of “orgasmic goal” because you think it will ultimately please her.
That said, here are some techniques for lasting longer:
First, slow down during self-pleasuring and unlearn that old pattern of quick orgasm. Try teasing yourself by stimulating yourself just to the point where you feel you’re about to orgasm, then backing off and relaxing, and then beginning again. This will give you a sense of control as well as teach you to recognize your own point of no return (when you know you're about to have an orgasm, no matter what). Another thing to try is when you feel yourself getting close to orgasm, relax, breathe deeply, and cease movement. Some men also find they last longer if they have an orgasm on their own awhile before beginning partner sex. This tends to take the edge off, if you will.
Once you feel in control of your orgasm, you can also examine whether you have any feelings of discomfort with being sexual—either with yourself or with a partner. These feelings of discomfort can create extreme conflict and cause you to feel the need to get it over with quickly. If you look at sex as something to finish quickly—get it up, get it in, get it off—you’ll need to let go of that old mentality. And naturally, any relationship conflicts can also contribute. Dr. J
If this is a relatively recent change for you, you should first examine what's different. Is this a new relationship? Are you anxious with this partner? Are there conflicts or other reasons you might subconsciously want to just get it over with?
During their early self-pleasuring experiments, many men learn a very quick orgasm pattern in order to avoid detection—like in the bathroom (“You’ve been in there for hours! What are you doing?”) So if you learned to come quickly when being sexual with yourself, that can also set up a lifelong pattern. Learning to come quickly with a partner can also set up this pattern. Guilt and anxiety about sex may also create a situation where some men just want to get it over with quickly so they won’t have to deal with any of those feelings. And, of course, if you’re focused on “performing,” rather than just enjoying yourself, your penis can become incredibly stubborn and uncooperative.
Once you learn to control your orgasm, realize that each man has an individual orgasmic pattern unique to him. A lot of this anxiety about “premature” ejaculation is based on paranoia, and the idea that it's somehow ideal to have erections last way longer than they tend to realistically for most men, most of the time. Sure, sometimes, a man might last 15 minutes, 30 minutes, even an hour, but 75% of all males have an orgasm within 2 minutes of beginning penis-vagina (p-v) sex. I wonder if you’ve asked your partner how long SHE’d like you to last? Are you thinking that if you last longer, somehow she’ll have an orgasm during p-v sex? The fact is that most women DON’T orgasm during p-v sex. It’s a much more effective way for men to orgasm than women, so please don’t attempt to reach some kind of “orgasmic goal” because you think it will ultimately please her.
That said, here are some techniques for lasting longer:
First, slow down during self-pleasuring and unlearn that old pattern of quick orgasm. Try teasing yourself by stimulating yourself just to the point where you feel you’re about to orgasm, then backing off and relaxing, and then beginning again. This will give you a sense of control as well as teach you to recognize your own point of no return (when you know you're about to have an orgasm, no matter what). Another thing to try is when you feel yourself getting close to orgasm, relax, breathe deeply, and cease movement. Some men also find they last longer if they have an orgasm on their own awhile before beginning partner sex. This tends to take the edge off, if you will.
Once you feel in control of your orgasm, you can also examine whether you have any feelings of discomfort with being sexual—either with yourself or with a partner. These feelings of discomfort can create extreme conflict and cause you to feel the need to get it over with quickly. If you look at sex as something to finish quickly—get it up, get it in, get it off—you’ll need to let go of that old mentality. And naturally, any relationship conflicts can also contribute. Dr. J
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I am kind of in the same boat. However, I have been having sex with my partner for a few months and I didn't have any PE. A couple weeks ago though I went to Cabo with my family, and my partners family was close by with her family. We had fun, but had no place to have sex. We almost got caught in a couple places, and had to stop for fear of detection by some of her siblings. In turn, I ended up masturbating quite frequently, maybe 2-3 times per day. But on the last night before we had to leave we snuck into my room and had great sex, me lasting almost too long, which is what was usual for us. Now, however, when we get back home and have sex for the first time, I came after about 10 seconds. What is wrong? Then, she gives me oral pleasure because she was on her period, and I last 7 or 8 minutes. I don't get it?? I am actually urinating more frequently I noticed. I don't know what the deal is with that. Does me not having as much control over my urination have something to do with not having control over ejaculating? I don't know what the problem is. Please help! Thank you.