HIV and relationships

[Jim R]

Hi,

I think I have contracted HIV, I am showing all the symptoms. I know I should get tested and I already scheduled an appointemnt to test.

The issue is that I have probably contracted HIV in a moment of druken weakness with some woman I met in bar.

I am also in a 10 year old relationship with what must be the best woman on earth.

I love her deeply. My dileemma is what should I do if I am +.
The biggest problem is if she is + as well, although after the incident I always had safe sex with her.

My family is also a problem, coming from a deep christian background I am not sure my 60+ parents can take the news.

I am thinking that it is better to make a decision prior to the result as post the result I would not be in a state to make any wise decisions.

Now I know the wise thing to do is to get tested and if it is negative all is well. If my test is positive -- tell her the truth. But really how can you tell some you love you practically killed them ?

I have thought of a lot of possible outcomes and to be honest with you I think I should do the ultimate sacrifice to pay for my nothing more than mischief, I can say I lost everything for a couple of hours of fun. How more stupid can I be!

Your insight or advice is helpfull.
Jim

[Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D.]

People do " stupid" things all the time. We are weak creatures and occasionally our desires get the better of us and we don't think about consequences.  You are not a terrible or exceptionally irresponsible person, but now is the time you have to be strong and do the stand up thing.

  Go get tested immediately. If you tell her before you get tested, she will have the additional burden of not knowing what she has until she knows what you have Find out if you have antibody- and if you do, line up a counselor for her before you tell her. It will be scary as hell, and you will both need support and good medication. Remember , as bad as this is, they now have effective treatment and every day you delay the possibility of treatment, you make your prognosis-and her's- less favorable. You need to get tested ASAP...if you want to keep your good-person status! I am already worried that you say you are showing symptoms. If you are right, symptoms take some time to develop- so if this is happening we are not talking about a sex act that happened last night.  I can't even express how important it is that you get tested right away  and if she needs to be tested- that the time table on that is also speeded up. If you really love this woman- how can you keep her away from treatment that would save her life??
  
   It's another matter entirely if you find out you are not HIV  positive. Then you have to be thankfrul that you do not have to pay such a great price. You also need to get some counseling about why you put yourself and your girlfriend at risk.  Drunkenness is not an excuse- its just a way to be emotionally and sexually indulgent.

    If you want to protect your life, her life and both of your futures, you need to go find out what is happening right now.
I don't think your parents have to know unless you start to get sick. But with good medical treatment, you may never get to that stage.

   You should not think of anything self destructive. You can live with HIV if it comes to that. And you can clean up your act and be responsible from now on. Remember, if your girlfriend is HIV positive she may  need your presence and support- that would be the least you would owe her.

   I hope this helps.

[siren of the sea]

first of all please get tested today. be fair to your partner. you know looking up symptoms on the net is dangerous. it leads us to believe we have something we dont or wrongly diagnosed. there are many new medications out there and if you had contracted it, you would need to start taking those now. the odds arent good that you did. from one night. go get tested and then if it is negative thank GOD your not infected and be faithful to your woman forever. if you are a positive then be prepared to do what you need to do! good luck with this, but remember the earlier the testing the better!

[dandeelyon]

Read the HIV and Prevention forum on this site.  The Dr. there is very knowledgable.  The first thing he would say is the symptoms are never a reliable indicator for HIV.  I'll let you read the rest of the forum for further advice although I can pretty much guess what he will tell you.  Definately get tested for your own piece of mind.

Good luck

[Jim R]

Thanks all for your encouraging words.

My view on giving H to some one.

My perception on giving HIV to some one is murder and I think it should be dealt with by oneself and others as such - period. Let's not fool around with this, many of you may play with the idea that this is not, but I urge you to look deeper.

The fact that I even have exposed her to such a risk I fell I am guilty of attempted murder.

Thus my own conclusin is that I should pay the maximum price under my own morales. That is my life -  Period.

------------------

My symotoms and case

I have depression + flu like symptoms (10 days) + loss of apetite + bubble like things on the sides of my toungue.My hope is a Herpes simplex outbreak caused by all this stress and anxiety.

The case I was drunk and not sure what happened, I think the anal sex was protected but then I am not sure I am sure I had unprotected Vaginal sex on two occasions in the 24 hour period.

Every time she snezzes is like some one drawing a stake in my heart, but up to now there no sore throat she has a blocked nose when se wakes up.

I am going to an anonyomus clinic later today and then another one next week. Tonight's clinic delivers results days later and thus will not know my exact fate next week.

------------------

My true options and the big dillema

Result negative or positive.

Negative.

All is well and good, I am making an eternal promise to myslef no fooling around anymore I will buy an engagment ring she has been asking me for quite some time.

Positive.

There are 2 scenarios I envisage in a + result.

Option A:

Get her tested and see the result if she is positive then .. EXIT

If she is negative obviosly she will leve me if not I will leave her. Then I would have to deal with her loss plus my terminal illness.

The problem with the above is not knowing if she will get a + result or not. If I knew she was negative than I will probably seriously consider staying around for a while longer. Probably leaving my job and go and live somewhere to enjoy the rest of my days.

But how can I get her tested without the emotinal stress that will be the result of this. I cannot bring myslef to look her in the eye and tell her listen love "I am H+, there is a 3/100 chance I have given it to you. I would like you to get tested." I do not have the strength to do that - considering at that time that I would be dealing internally with my + result.

Option B:

EXIT


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Well I promise to reply and seriously consider all your opinions and comments.

4 DAYS TO GO
-------
Jim

[oceans3]

do you have the financial means to pay a fee and post over in the HIV forum? the dr. is an expert in this field and i feel that you would be somewhat reassured until you get your final test results. OR at least scan the posts and read. many are in your boat.

[monkeyflower]

Your story is identical to 99.9999% of the posts on the HIV board, and they've ALL been negative. Your exposure was very low risk and the chances you actually contracted HIV from this exposure are minimal at best. Read the posts on the HIV forum for more on statistics (the previous poster is right) and for Dr. Handsfield's comments on similar situations.

However, I doubt you'll find any of it reassuring, because I think the real issue is your guilt. You're *torturing* yourself over one teeny encounter. My suggestion would be to get off the internet and seek counseling. I think you'd really benefit from seeing a sex therapist to help work through the underlying feelings and issues.

And in the meantime, don't do anything rash like tell your gf, ask her to marry you, quit your job, or isolate yourself. Most of all, stop planning your funeral! For god's sake, you don't even have HIV. I really wanted to correct your perception of HIV. It isn't a death sentence, and people live long, normal, and healthy lives with today's medications.

Talk to a therapist. Things will be okay.

[babylove2006]

I am sorry to hear of a your troubles. I really hope you don't have HIV. You really should find out. You need to talk with the Woman you love. Its only fare. Good luck to you. Keep us posted!!

[Jim R]

Thanks a lot once again,

I have read all the posts on the HIV forum, and there is nothing more the doctor can tell me.

I had unprotected anal and vaginal sex. 6 weeks later I have a sore throat + bubbles / rash on my toungue. I am excluding the depression as a symptom since it could be caused of my worries. I have a very high chance I am + . Those are the facts.

Last night I went for the test and I broke down in front of the doctor was usherd to the psycologist after 4 minutes. She did talk to me for one full hour.

She was really reassurring at times ... "you could have a low activity virus rather than a high activity one". Was that supposed to be reassurring ! Well I found it funny at the time.

But .. she really opened my eyes that there really is more options than checking out another doctor really really told me that life is life a path, fall --  sand up walk more fall again, no matter how big the fall the human spirit is to keep on fighting.

Morale is defintley up. I knew the results will be out in a week but going for a 10 mintue test on Tuesday.

My sore throat has some what cleared. The doctor told me that the bubbles on my toungue are not herpes. If they were they would be painfull.

This thing also showed me I am not as mentally strong as I thought I was. I never faced death before I thought that I would face it with a smile while playng the vivaldi in my head but I suppose that is just a fantasy.

I have a huge feeling I am positive .. I am making myself eat which is making things better though.

I feel that all that can fix me at the moment is a Vampire bite (joking .. joking )

I admire all the people that have gone through this and came out standing on both feet, it is no easy feat.

It has been 7.5 weeks since the event.

My dillemma is stil my girl friend and what to do when I get the positive result.

Jim.

[who_dis]

Chances are overwhelmingly in your favor that you do not have it.  Start saving up for that engagement ring.

Symptoms mean absolutely ZERO.  The symptoms of HIV are identical to about 1000 other common problems.  

GL and let us know how you are.

[dandeelyon]

The question should be what are you going to do when you get a negative result which you more then likely will?  Your anxiety is getting the best of you which is very common in this situation.  Please keep us posted.

[yoy]

At 7.5 weeks the HIV test will be very reliable.  And as many before me have said, your chances of being Pos. are very very low.  

You are dealing with guilt.  Every itch every bump you will associate with your encounter.  You will see things that look like symptoms when they are just things you had never noticed before.  You will chekc your mouth ten times a day or more and every bump will be a symptom.  These bumps may have been there your whole life, but know they are symptoms.

A sore throat-most likely casue- you have a cold.  The common cold is much easier to catch and you could have caught one by being in close contact with another person.  

You don't feel like eating- anxiety and guilt can do that to you.  The symptoms you claim- bumps onthe tounge are not symptoms of infection- and if you think it is AIDS it takes years for the virus to cause AIDS symptoms-not weeks.  

YOu are right you should have a plan for neg or positive results-

If neg.  You should NOT jump into an engagement-you need to examine why you acted this way and not just say I was drunk- that is an easy excuse.  Do you really think that this great woman would want toknow that the reason you want to get married be because you did not catch HIV from a woman at a bar?  Instead examine why you acted this way so you can make an honset committment to your G/F.  And don't think you need to admitt what you did.  This might be a good way for you to feel better, but not her.  Unbrudening your soul is like asking her to carry it for you.  This simply may be the weight you need to bear alone.

If Positive, but you won't be, you must have your G/F tested.  She may not have it.  If she is neg- then it is up to her to forgive you and when.  When my wife cheated on me it took me 10 years to forgive her.  And by that I mean to let it go completely.  It is still in my head, but it is only a fact.  It is not who she is.  It is something she did 10 years ago.  It is up to your g/f to make that choice.  And you need to live by her decision on it.  If she decides to work with you, don't get angry when she checks up on you or won't sleep with you for 6 months-or more-you need to work with her schedule on how to build trust.

Lastly don't take the cowardly way out and EXIT as you say.  Whiel you tend to think this is some sort of punishment- it is really your way of avoiding reality and leaving your g/f alone, hurt and filled with the issues you have right know, plus a dead boyfriend.  Just think, she would have jsut found out she is HIV + her boyfriend cheated on her and he committed suicide.  Boy that is a nice day to handle all alone.  

Tell us when you get the neg. results.  HIv will be out of the question, but you will have to deal with yourself then.  That is when the work starts.  

[Jim R]

who_dis, dandeelyon ,yoy
thanks for your comments.

I am going tomorrow for a test at 08:00am we'll see the results they will be out in 3 hours.

I am not sure where this will lead to. Today I could not work, just staring at the wall.

I did draft my will and wrote a letter to my GF and my parents.
All is printed and on my desk.

I am still unsure of what to do, the will and notes are there to give me some kind of peace if I decide to meet the higher power.

I tried to go to confession (broke then again in front of the priest) he told me to get a grip on myslef wait for the results and he could not give me absolution. He gave me a benediction (I think more out of pity than he thought I really deserved it)

Well I think this experience has changed my life.

Jim

[yoy]

jim

You need counseling.  Suicidal ideas must be  taken seriously.  You should, no must, arrange counseling-when you are there getting the test results- ask if there is someone you can talk to- they are experts and heve dealt with this many times.  Look at all the post on the HIV and STD forums- there are so many people who fear the worse after a sexual encounter-

I don't know how else assure you you will be ok.  But you will.  And yes this experience can change your life, but you need to do it is a positive way- with help- to slow you anxiety, and to build on the positive-

When you ge the neg results, you will come back here and see other people going through what you did, and help them through it, many people are **** that on here.  

Do not, I beg you , do not, exit as you have said.  The people here only know you as a poster on a website, but they care about you-the people in the "real" world care as well, more so.  You will be fine.  we are all waiting to hear form you again and again.

[Jim R]

It was negative. (7.5 weeks after event)

Will test again after 13 weeks just to be safe.

I really feel I am have changed and have understood that life is not to be taken for granted!

[yoy]

Congrats.  Now get in some counsleing!!!  It willdo a couple of things.  First it will help you with an fears that resurface.  you will be able to control them.  Then it will help put you on a path to figure out why this happened, what is improtant and how to cope with it.  Please seek this help out.