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Sexuality & Relationships (Expert Forum)
He wont last
Answered by
Janice M Epp, PhD - Female sexual issues, Adolescent sexuality, Male sexual issues
Private Practice
Palo Alto - CA
This forum is for questions and support regarding relationship issues such as: Abstinence, Arousal Problems, Birth Control, Cohabitation, Commitment, Communication, Couples Counseling, Desire /Lack of Desire, Sexual Technique.
Doctor's Answer
by Janice M Epp, PhD, Jan 12, 2009 07:30PM
, Jan 12, 2009 07:30PMTo: Lala859
Each man has an individual orgasmic pattern unique to him. A lot of this anxiety about “premature” ejaculation is based on paranoia, and the idea that it's somehow ideal to have erections last way longer than they tend to realistically for most men, most of the time. Sure, sometimes, a man might last 15 minutes, 30 minutes, even an hour, but 75% of all males have an orgasm within 2 minutes of beginning penis-vagina (p-v) sex.
Are you thinking that if he lasts longer, somehow you’ll have an orgasm during p-v sex? The fact is that most women DON’T orgasm during p-v sex. It’s a much more effective way for men to orgasm than women, so please don’t attempt to reach some kind of “orgasmic goal” because you think it will ultimately please you.
During their early self-pleasuring experiments, many men learn a very quick orgasm pattern in order to avoid detection—like in the bathroom (“You’ve been in there for hours! What are you doing?”) Learning to come quickly with a partner can also set up this pattern. Guilt and anxiety about sex may also create a situation where some men just want to get it over with quickly so they won’t have to deal with any of those feelings. And, of course, if he's focused on “performing,” rather than just enjoying himself, his penis can become incredibly stubborn and uncooperative.
He may have had this pattern all his life, and, of course, if he's anxious, worried, etc., this just makes it worse.
So what to do? First, be understanding and realize that you’re in this together, so it’s not just HIS problem. I’d suggest a positive approach in which you both learn more about sexual pleasure as a way to open up a dialogue. How about reading a book together and talking about it? I highly recommend Bernie Zilbergeld’s “The New Male Sexuality,” available in paperback everywhere. This is an excellent discussion-starter and has a wealth of information about men, their attitudes about sex, sexual response, etc. Best of luck to you both. Dr. J
Are you thinking that if he lasts longer, somehow you’ll have an orgasm during p-v sex? The fact is that most women DON’T orgasm during p-v sex. It’s a much more effective way for men to orgasm than women, so please don’t attempt to reach some kind of “orgasmic goal” because you think it will ultimately please you.
During their early self-pleasuring experiments, many men learn a very quick orgasm pattern in order to avoid detection—like in the bathroom (“You’ve been in there for hours! What are you doing?”) Learning to come quickly with a partner can also set up this pattern. Guilt and anxiety about sex may also create a situation where some men just want to get it over with quickly so they won’t have to deal with any of those feelings. And, of course, if he's focused on “performing,” rather than just enjoying himself, his penis can become incredibly stubborn and uncooperative.
He may have had this pattern all his life, and, of course, if he's anxious, worried, etc., this just makes it worse.
So what to do? First, be understanding and realize that you’re in this together, so it’s not just HIS problem. I’d suggest a positive approach in which you both learn more about sexual pleasure as a way to open up a dialogue. How about reading a book together and talking about it? I highly recommend Bernie Zilbergeld’s “The New Male Sexuality,” available in paperback everywhere. This is an excellent discussion-starter and has a wealth of information about men, their attitudes about sex, sexual response, etc. Best of luck to you both. Dr. J
