How do I make it work?

[confused1031]

Well to give you a little background I just recently broke up with my boyfriend of 4 and a half years...I started having sex with my best guy friend(i've had sex with him before this when I broke up with my ex before) this time I am catching feelings for him..we stay with each other everynight for the past month.. we both act like we are together but we both say that we don't want to be in a relationship. Even though I don't want to be his girlfriend I don't want him having sex with someone else if he is having sex with me. He moved into my old apartment once me and my ex boyfriend moved out but the lease is still in my name and his roomate and I are very close so therefore even if he isn't home I am usually over the apartment. Well last night he came to the apartment with another girl which he claims was there with this other boy that came with him BUT he was the one sitting next to her and talking to her and then the boy she was suppose to be there with left! He has admitted he is a hypocrit and doesn't like when I get jealous but it's ok for him to do it.Sometimes I feel wanted by him and other times i feel as though he wants nothing to do with me..Im still hurting over my ex of 4 years and now I got myself in some sort of a relationship with my best guy friend and i'm catching feelings...I feel like my life is falling apart and I think I shouldn't talk to my guy friend like that anymore but then I am lonely and I just don't know what to do.

[Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D.]

I think you are lonely and afraid of being alone. This keeps you hooked into your old boyfriend and in a mostly sex only relationship with your guy friend. I think you have to find some other way to feel good about yourself than just have to be in a sexual relationship with someone.

  Furthermore, I think you have to get out of this crowd. You don't want to be watching your ex boyfriend with someone else- you don't need to be feeling jealous or stir up old romantic feelings.

  I think you have too many men in your head!  You are not really done with your ex- how about just not doing anyone else for awhile until you have gotten over that relationship?  Or, at least find out if you really have feelings for your best guy friend-or you are just using him to help you get over your ex boyfriend?  You don't want to hurt him- or yourself- by just using each other as a convienience.  If there is something real happening between the two of you- talk about it-- and see what it is.

    Bottom line-- settle down and decide what your present relationship is- or isn't. If you are not going to be boy and girl friend- then why not just go back to being friends and stop confusing yourself. Sometimes a vacation from sex and guys is good. Unless you are really in love with your best guy friend- I'd say back off for a while and give yourself some space to think and figure out who you really care about and how you can keep yourself emotionally solid so that you can act in your own behalf-- and not just get involved with someone because you are lonely and jealous.

[sparkeler]

If you don't want to be his girlfriend, then why do you have feelings for him?  Sounds like you might want a relationship w/this guy or you wouldn't be jealous.  I suggest you allow yourself time to heal from your previous relationship and stop sleeping w/your friend.  It's hard to be **** buddies when there are true emotional feelings involved.  It's ok to be alone for a while and take time to get your head and emotions in check.  You have to establish whether or not you really do want to be w/your friend.  Then decide whether or not it's emotionally beneficial for you to be sleeping w/him.

[dalip]

look at it from your mates point of view. You went with him once before(when you and your ex split)you then go back to your ex,where did that leave him?. Now you are on you own again and back with him but thinking about your ex!!!. Behave he has feelings too!. He says he does not want a relationship but is that in case he opens up to you lets everybody know you are an item then in walks mr ex and poof you drop you mate and hes left looking at twit!
You have to work out if you really do have feelings and exaclty what they are. Is it because you do not want to be alone?.Is he an easy option for comfort?.Perhaps you dont really want him youself but you see him as your property and dont want any body else to have him. How did you feel when he was with other girls when you where with your ex?How did you feel about him full stop when you where with your ex.
Take a deep breath. Have time alone. Think alot. Then take it from there.
This is from a 47yr with 3 daughters who has been there.

[leif ericson]

you sound young, if you are thats cool, you should be this messed up !  but if your older than a teenager and your going through this, you need to grow up a little, and not jump to the nearest most convinient dude to "pretend" with. spend some time alone, work out your feelings on your own, and quit messing with
your friends head (or heads) it's not fair to him and your sending the wrong message.   good luck     l.e.

[siren of the sea]

ever heard the line why buy the milk when you can get it for free? (this doesnt apply to all men!) when we give them sex. live with them. do the things a couple does and they dont commit why would they? this is kind of what is going on with your friend. to go to someone so quickly after a breakup is not the best for you. you need time to grieve a lost love. you need to find your place in this world as a single person again. its possible your feelings for your ex has moved to the friend and its not necessarily "real" but you dont know how else to interpret it. if he is your best friend and he cares about you then talk to him about this. maybe not disclose your feelings for him , but how you need a friend and not a lover at this point. a few years ago my bf and i broke up. it took me a long time to get over him. and i would date to try to forget, it didnt work. i either moved to fast and it of course didnt work out. or i realized they werent him. so i tried the being alone and got myself happy again and now i am  married to the best man around!! put yourself first.

[jojo24]

I've been there before and it's not easy, I know.  But the thing you have to remember no matter how "Sex in the City" portrays it, sex for women is more of an emotional thing.  For men, it's more physical. A guy may get jealous if you are messing with someone else because you are giving his "goodies" to someone else and he might not get them anymore, and when a girl gets jealous she is worried about him making an emotional connection with that other girl.  this is just a theory of mine btw. so he still considers you two friends, but for you apparently, it's now more than that, even though you don't want it to be, because sleeping with him has caused an emotional connection with him.  my advice is to stop sleeping with him and stay away from his apartment for awhile until you can get your thoughts and feelings back in check. If you need to see his roommate, have him come over to your place, but don't go over there because you are going to see him, and possibly another girl that he is with and it's going to send you into another emotional spiral. Don't do that to yourself. you are going to end up mad and resenting him.  if you need to have sex, go and get a vibrator until you can feel emotionally secure enough to find someone else.  in the meantime leave him alone because he told you he doesn't want to be your boyfriend and once you tell a guy that, that's the thing that's stuck in his mind and it gives him free reign to do whatever he wants to do with whomever he chooses and therefore you have no right to get jealous.  that will just drive him away anyway and he will say and do things to hurt your feelings.

[confused1031]

Thanks everyone for your advice...It is soo hard to really figure out my feelings. I know that i love my ex boyfriend with all my heart but since the day I met my best guy friend i have been attracted to him.. I think that I may actually have transferred feelings onto my guy friend from my previous relationship.. i'm not saying that i don't have true feelings for my friend as well. Last night I went over the apartment and he said he was going to hang out with his friends and that he would be back. I asked if he was bringing her back because if so I would leave and he said he was coming back alone.. well whn he comes back it IS with her and guess what her baby too!!! Yes I am afraid there will be an emotional connection with them too and I don't want that, i'm also not saying i wouldn't be in a relationship with him but i don't think that is best to jump from relationship to relationship. I am also missing my ex and he is doing better now and trying to make it work with me but I told him i need time. Basically I am just so confused and cant even think straight.

[leif ericson]

your too close, you need to step back and clear your head (and heart) cause you will see things from a new perspective. and remember, any REAL love that you have or that someone has for you, will STILL be there if its true !  so give yourself a rest.                             l.e.

[sherryroberson]

weird, do i know exactly what you're talking about!
Me and my ex of 4 years just recently broke up back in may, and me and my good friend, (guy) 'hooked' up, and i got pregnant. Which i'm really happy i'm pregnant. But not sure i want to be with my friend either. i really want my ex of 4 years back. it's rough in this world now. Especially i guess when we put our selves in predicuments like this. I know i should have waited before hooking up, but i didn't. Anyways, yes i guess best thing to do would be to stop all sexual contact with the friend until u decide what u want. And that is hard. Good luck!

[siren of the sea]

i cant imagine getting pg from someone that is a "friend" and not having used protection. ladies you really need to stock up in condoms and learn that you can catch the worst of stuff from "friends". good luck in your pgs and hope all works out even though we know it wont.

[lucylocket2]

It sounds to me like you are a "relationship" person. Always needing someone there that is yours. If you don't want him you can't deprive him of maybe finding "the one". that's not very fair of you. You can't expect him to wait or what ever you want.  Do you think you really do love him, just don't want to admitt it?