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Sexuality & Relationships (Expert Forum)
How do I quit blaming him
Answered by
Janice M Epp, PhD - Female sexual issues, Adolescent sexuality, Male sexual issues
Private Practice
Palo Alto - CA
This forum is for questions and support regarding relationship issues such as: Abstinence, Arousal Problems, Birth Control, Cohabitation, Commitment, Communication, Couples Counseling, Desire /Lack of Desire, Sexual Technique.
How do I quit blaming him
by whatsupwithme, Sep 02, 2009 03:40PM
My boyfriend has to take a large quanity of meds to control his seizures and so we are unable to have sex. This has been going on for about 6 or 7 months, and the problem is that as time goes on I am getting crabbier and crabbier. I am picking at the littlest things, and complaining about everything. I understand he can't help this and it will continue until they can lower the doses of his meds, but in the mean time he feels embarressed so no longer sleeps with me, lays down to watch TV, won't cuddle, won't give me big kisses, won't hold me, and I am feeling very neglected. I try to get closser and he keeps pushing me away, then I get mad and pick a fight. We have tried to discuss this and he tries to do better for a day or two then its right back like it was. I'm ready to throw in the towel, and he's ready to strangle me. Problem We really love each other and don't want to split up. How do I handle my insecirities ...
Doctor's Answer
by Janice M Epp, PhD, Sep 08, 2009 03:01PM
, Sep 08, 2009 03:01PMTo: whatsupwithme
Your situation is way too complex for easy answers in a forum such as this. First, I’m sorry to hear that your boyfriend has pulled away from you. Second, no one can tell you what’s going on. I wish I had a dollar for each time someone writes: “WHY does my partner do this?” The simple fact is, how would anyone know without asking him? Until I become all-knowing/all-seeing, I’m afraid I can’t. The fact is there’s only one person who can tell you, and that’s him.
All I can do is speculate about possibilities. First, the physical aspects: prescription drugs and discomfort or embarrassment may contribute to a lessening of both sexual energy and desire. Your partner is embarrassed and probably feels inadequate. What have YOU done to contribute to this? Have you talked openly and honestly without blaming? You say he “tries to do better.” What does this mean? Obviously, there’s a reason he’s pulling away.
As I said in my opening paragraph, there’s only one way to find out, and that’s to open up communication with him. Don’t attack him or accuse him of anything. Be gentle and understanding so he’ll feel comfortable opening up. A good approach is to tell him that you realize that you’re in this together and whatever affects him also affects you, so you want to discuss what’s going on so that together, the two of you can find a solution. If this is unsuccessful, it’s time to get help so you can both talk about what your issues are. A counselor can then guide you through the process of discussing these issues with each other in a safe environment. You state that you’re feeling insecure. Many people would be feeling this way in your challenging circumstances. But you're not alone: A counselor can help you explore these feelings in an emotionally safe environment. Good luck to you. Dr. J
All I can do is speculate about possibilities. First, the physical aspects: prescription drugs and discomfort or embarrassment may contribute to a lessening of both sexual energy and desire. Your partner is embarrassed and probably feels inadequate. What have YOU done to contribute to this? Have you talked openly and honestly without blaming? You say he “tries to do better.” What does this mean? Obviously, there’s a reason he’s pulling away.
As I said in my opening paragraph, there’s only one way to find out, and that’s to open up communication with him. Don’t attack him or accuse him of anything. Be gentle and understanding so he’ll feel comfortable opening up. A good approach is to tell him that you realize that you’re in this together and whatever affects him also affects you, so you want to discuss what’s going on so that together, the two of you can find a solution. If this is unsuccessful, it’s time to get help so you can both talk about what your issues are. A counselor can then guide you through the process of discussing these issues with each other in a safe environment. You state that you’re feeling insecure. Many people would be feeling this way in your challenging circumstances. But you're not alone: A counselor can help you explore these feelings in an emotionally safe environment. Good luck to you. Dr. J
Member Comments (2)
by gagootza, Oct 05, 2009 09:05PM
To: whatsupwithme
regardless of his meds he should at least try to take care of your needs,i take med for seizures and it don't effect my sex life except it takes me longer to climax.sounds like he only cares about himself,your just there like a piece of furnature.you deserve better.he can't use the meds as an excuse forever
