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How do you know, is it a decision or a way of being?
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How do you know, is it a decision or a way of being?

I am a 22year old female about to graduate college.  I understand that this is a time of many transitions and mile stones, some of which can be very confusing and INTIMIDATING.  As I give great thought to my career and my life one factor comes up and that is intimacy.  I have found myself intimate with both male and female over the years.  My first expereince ever was with a female.  I did enjoy it, but had a very bad expereincfe being attacked a ridiculed by class mates because I was open about it.  I never spoke of my involvement with same sex after this.  I have engaged in intimate relations with females while maintaining exclusive relationships with the male gender.  I have been dissappointed by the male gender in long term relationships and short.  I understand that life is this way we build relationships and sometimes they last and sometimes they dont.  Either way Im at a crossroads  because I question my sexuality everyday, I am attracted to women and men.  Is one born gay, or is it a decision that is made. Am I afraid to say that I am gay because of what society says is "normal" or am I confused or better yet just fed up with men at this point.  Any helpful suggestions or life experiences would be greatly appreciated.  I am looking for a partner, but what gender? How do I know if I am in fact, gay?
Tags: Gay
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523042_tn?1212181495
Hi Julianna.

Sigh. I know some of the above comments are meant to be helpful, but realize that many people have their own agendas about how people SHOULD be, as opposed to how people actually ARE.

The reason you're confused is because society itself is confused. We try to put everyone in a box labeled gay, straight or bisexual, when, in fact, there's no such thing.

You are who you are. Some of us are born with a strong sexual orientation to one sex or the other, while others of us are more flexible. The problem comes with trying to fit into one of these boxes. We feel we have to define ourselves; and yet, once we do, many of us feel incomplete and confused. That's because sexuality is fluid and indefinable. Many people have sexual experiences with both sexes throughout their lives, as well as falling in love with both sexes. And many people only fall in love with one sex, but are sexually oriented towards both. And vice versa. Life is SOOO complex!

And just to complicate things further, we can change many times over the course of a lifetime. You may be into men for awhile, then women, then men, etc. We can never know what’s around the next corner. Tomorrow you might be walking down the street and fall madly in love with a hippopotamus in a tutu!

So the short answer is: resist putting yourself in a box and being defined by others. The longer you can do this, the more you can get to know yourself outside of these artificial categories and take charge of your sexuality and relationships. And when people try to force you into a box, why not just say: “I’m sexual.” Period. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
8 Comments
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Avatar_m_tn
Just a thought?  Maybe you like men too but just not really the type you are currently drawn to?
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Avatar_m_tn
Are you unhinged?  All women do not get satisfaction from penetration and even if they did I am sure there are enough toys that could simulate and out perform the average male in that department.

The simple truth is if you are bi you don't have to tell your partner as much about what you like because they are using the same equipment as you.  However a heterosexual relationship requires more cooperation and communication to get the same affects.  So when it works it can potentially be better but few people make a real effort to communicate.

BTW Strapping a Mr. Microphone to your hips just means your male, real men learn to read their partners bodies to respond with their mouth, hands, feet, tongue and body.  good sex is a full body experience.
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi,I appreciate your input but do you think you could elaborate.  I was looking at your credentials and see that you are a very intelligent man, with interests that are one of my concerns.  I dont get it.  I could be bi, but not a lesbian.  I am attracted to males and to females.  My sttraction has been a bit stronger with males but lately I am just not getting what I am looking for with a man and find that many women that I speak with are unsatisfied with the male gender.  Regrdless of other womens experience how do I know if I am in fact a lesbian.  I do not believe that I should be with both sex.  I am not speaking of a raunchy girl on girl experience but of a romantic and intimate relationship between two women.
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Avatar_m_tn
Hmm.  Either way you are bi if you are attracted to and involved with both sexes.  I do believe that you are right in not being involved with both sexes at the same time, however remember that lesbians rank higher for domestic violence than hetero couples or homosexual male.

Whatever you do just try to do it with trust, honor, faith, and love I wish you well.

If you don't mind though what part would you like me to elaborate on?
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684438_tn?1226944736
I can relate to what you are going through.  I have had sexual experiences with both men and women.  I have always been more sexually attracted to women.  I have been with my boyfriend for nearly ten years but fell in love with a woman two years ago.  She provided me with many things that he couldn't.  The affair went on for a year.  I could picture a life with her, but in the end I was afraid.  How would I tell my kids and family.  I think that a lesbian relationship can be incredibly meaningful but for me whether I am with a man or a woman something will always be missing.  There is something from both sexes that the other can't provide.  

I think that you should stop questioning your sexuality and just go with what feels right for you.  

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Avatar_f_tn
Wow, This is how have felt all of my life. I to have been in realationships with men and although i enjoy them it just never seems to quite work out. I am questioning rather maybe it's ok to love someone who loves you no matter if it a woman. I am attracted to both men and women....but there is something about a woman that makes me feel complete. Its society that makes me stay away from something that i think can truly make me happy. Plus the fact i have two children and wouldn't want them to know. I have a female that i know truly loves me but, i can't not give her what she truly wants, a relationship. I can't believe i have to live my life this way. I feel like i live two lives.....one with men and friends who know only that of me, and one with woman and the circle who is not suprised by that of me. I don't know?      
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Avatar_f_tn
I hope you find someone who makes you happy.  

It really doesnt matter if they are male or female.  There are much more inportant things in life and in relationships.

Forget about the whole 'what am i' thing, be yourself
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