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How to improve sex with my husband
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How to improve sex with my husband

Sex with my very "vanilla" husband has become boring and frustrating. While he agrees that we need to engage in more foreplay, when we're in the bedroom, he wants to rush right into intercourse. Then to top it off, he lasts about 1 minute. Then he quickly loses interest in helping me enjoy a real orgasm. He always apologizes for "losing his head," but his apologies ring hollow. He doesn't seem to be sincerely looking for ways to change in the bedroom.

I've told him a number of times that I would like him to caress me all over my body, not just head directly to my private parts. I've told him about the "Ladies First" principle. I've asked him many times to spank me. I've suggested that role playing would be fun. When we're having a discussion, he seems to understand and agree that "we need more practice", but when we're in bed, it's back to his old habits.

I make an effort to wear sexy lingerie and massage him and pleasure him with hand jobs and lots of oral sex. He claims he has no complaints about our sex life. He repeatedly tells our sex life is the best he's ever had. I wish I could say the same, but I can't. I am sick and tired of our lackluster, boring sex life and I feel powerless in trying to change it.  

At this point I'm feeling frustrated and a little angry. Talk is cheap. How can I get my message across to him effectively, without making him feel like he's a lousy lover. I feel as if I'm always going the extra mile and still getting the short end of the stick.

He and I married 2 years ago. We are both 58 and have been seeing each other for 5 years.

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242520_tn?1211304279
he likes his old habits and I am afraid he is not going to change without some serious disruption of the way the two of you relate. He is in his comfort zone.

    You have made yourself perfectly clear-- but he is either threatened or unexcited by the ideas you have proposed ( like spanking or long foreplay)

     If you want him to comply you have to stop the action and say , no , I really need longer foreplay and I dont want intercourse yet. Or no, I don't want to have sex unless you can promise me a lot of caressing. Or lets play our parts before I take off any clothes. etc. In otherwords, refuse to go further without some changes.

    If he won't play at all when you insist on this, then something more serious is going on- because new husbands and wives should really want to please each other more than he is trying to please you.  At the point at which he prefers not to have sex rather than try some sexual play on your terms ,I would suggest a therapist . The two of you need to get some honest communication- someone has to get him to say why he refuses to try anything new- even something as simple as stroking and fondling you for a longer time.

     Try drawing a line  and sticking to it. Say you want a lot of foreplay. Bring a book and read it together that has some hot possibilities in it- and say you have planned one for tonight- and have the whole thing set up. See if he will play under those conditions or if he absolutely refuses to do anything. Again, if he does- its time to bring a third party, a coach or counsellor in, to see what is really going on. Hopefully, though with enough serious stops to any sexuality if some changes aren't instituted-- he will get the point of how important it is to you- and modify your sex life significantly!
25 Comments
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13167_tn?1327197724
Dixie - have  you ever had a man,  for 5 years,  who kept up with your level of sexuality and sexual needs?

Maybe you could get a vibrator and integrate that into foreplay?    I'm kind of thinking at 58,  your man doesn't really want to spank you.  

Best wishes in figuring this out.   It seems like there are many vibrators on the  market that might be what you both need.

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Avatar_n_tn
I beg to differ..........my fiance is 57, while I'm 40.  He's very open minded, and doesn't mind the spanking thing!!
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173939_tn?1333221450
Yes, age is not always the cause - some 30-year-olds get lazy in the sack already, the old in-and-out-done, usually caused by boring daily relationship routines. Sometimes it helps to get out of each other`s face for a while and play happy re-union. Sometimes it helps to change the scenery, travelling together or just staying in a hotel for a night - even though I can almost hear your husband say: "What`s that for? I`m not gonna waste money on a hotel." Or you stack up on juicy magazines and sex toys for yourself and your husband will just want to join in. In my home country, older couples sometimes go to night clubs together to spark their whatevers. I personally think the change of scenery is best. The last thing you want is having to do a pole dance each night for the rest of your life...Good luck.
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Avatar_f_tn
What is a vanilla husband?
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173939_tn?1333221450
Haha...probably the opposite of a hot jalapeno pepper - but let`s wait for Dixie`s answer...
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Avatar_f_tn
I'd like to know if I'm married to one.  Can I make my DH a "Ben and Jerry's oatmeal raisin cookie" husband?  I'd eat him all day... :)
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173939_tn?1333221450
You better share this post with him then...he`ll be looking forward to it.
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Avatar_m_tn
It sounds to me like he was like this (vanilla) and you knew it all along but for some reason you ignored it and now you want him to change and are upset that he won't. Im not sure a "vanilla" person can just magically become a "hot chili" type of person without some real, focused effort.
I think the real issue has little to do with sex and more to do with your choices in seeking a mate. Im not saying that to be mean, but it does read that way.

If you wanted a hot chili type in bed, why'd you pick someone who was vanilla?

His sex life is fine, he is satisfied so his incentive for change isn't very high. You picked a type of person who sexually you weren't satisfied with and now you are sick of your own charade it sounds like to me. Lots of women do this. I'd get into some therapy to find out why you picked him in the first place and see if you can figure that out. Maybe you both could get into counselling to work on this issue. Sounds like the relationship needs a big overhaul.

I'd stop being so generous in bed because it is making you resentful. I suspect you did a lot to make it this way, overly generous and giving in bed and in every way and you didn't ask for your needs to be met so he thinks that is how you like it and when you complain he isn't willing or able to put the energy into your needs he should. If you have clearly told him your wants and needs and he ignores them, for me that would make me not want to be sexual with him at all. He sounds selfish but you sound overly giving. A recipe for one person to be happy and the other to be unhappy. He has to become less selfish and you have to become less giving and try to find a happy medium, that is why I think counelling would help.
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Avatar_n_tn
From your description, its little wonder your husband says your sex life couldn't get any better--he's getting everything he wants.  The simple way for you to start getting more of what you want is to STOP giving him what he wants until he decides to not be so selfish in bed.  Instead of doing more for him to get what you want, close up shop and tell him that the store's not reopening until he changes his ways.  You'll see results fast.
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Avatar_f_tn
Why does everyone seem to know what a vanilla husband is but me?  Did I skip an important sex ed class in high school?
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Avatar_n_tn
get a vibrator for your personal satisfaction during sex, you control it, and have your hubby get on zoloft it will make him last long, have more control, and be satisfied.  This is no joke, zoloft has worked for me in the same, similar, problem.
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Avatar_n_tn
Levitra or Vigra worked for us. I buy them from us-piils.com they are at discount prices.
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Avatar_n_tn
Think maybe vanilla is meaning plain???
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Avatar_f_tn
After reading all the comments, I think you are right.  Thanks for answering me!
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173939_tn?1333221450
Just skip the Zoloft. It could turn him into a zombie.
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172715_tn?1285498090
Are you sure that there's no health or emotional reason for his lack of endurance?  Does he have diabeties or high blood pressure? Does he take any daily medicines that may have sexual side effects? Seek this out first then tell him that you both should seek counseling for this problem.  Maybe then he will take what you have told him seriously and try some changes with you.
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177641_tn?1189759437
Sorry, dixiegrl, don't mean to take away from your post but...

goodfortune & mihapiha, do you EVER recommend anything OTHER than drugs? STOP ADVERTISING MEDICATIONS for people you DON'T KNOW! People post here looking for SERIOUS advice. Telling them to turn to pills is NOT GOOD ADVICE. If you do NOT have sincere advice then do NOT post.
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Avatar_n_tn
Isn't it funny that there are always people at the other end of the spectrum?  I'm a husband who's in the exact same position with my wife that the first poster is/was.  My wife was interested in sex and was orgasmic prior to going on Zoloft and Synthroid about 10 years ago.  Since then, however, with every increase in the dosages of either medication, there has come a measurable decrease in the frequency and interest in sex, and a much greater difficulty in achieving orgasm.  We, at this point, are having sex about 3 times per year over the past 3 years (since the birth of our second child a year ago) and since going on zoloft have required the use of a vibrator to achieve orgasm.  

I can completely attest to the positive power of Zoloft to help panic and related disorders, but every persoon who takes it runs a risk of experiencing a reduced libido.  My wife is one of those people. And, to be honest, I'd rather have a sexless marriage than to have the nearly psychotic partner that she was prior to the medication (Zoloft is a miracle worker for certain conditions!).

My problem, then, is that I don't know how to adequately stifle my own sex drive, which in no way has diminished (I'm 37 and she's 38).  She doesn't want to have sex, she says that she simply doesn't feel sexy.  I've tried date nights, giving her gifts of lingerie, bathing her, and doing most of what any good or bad advice column has ever said and the fact remains that there is a definite gulf between us now sexually.  

This is a very difficult place to be, and one that makes me feel horrible every time I start to initiate intimacy with her.  I know she's going to not react, or if she does, that reaction will go nowhere.  So, I tell myself that I should just not touch her in that way, should not kiss her neck in the way that has always made her aroused, or do the things that I know make her feel good sexually, because they simply no longer do the same thing.  

I don't want to push or pressure her, and discussions as to how to resolve the problem have resulted in arguments and very hurt feelings.  But I also don't want to spend the forseeable future without sex.  I have no idea what to do.

I only wish that my wife was as interested in sex as the first poster - you can't imagine the jealous yearning I experienced reading that.

Does anyone have any ideas?
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Avatar_f_tn
I know your pain,my husband is on Zoloft and seems to have no sex drive either and is also inorgasmic. It's maddening and depressing. It's causing me to feel very undesirable sexually. I've become obsessed with my weight, although I'm not overweight. I worry that I'm too old, I'm 35, he's 38..it's just crazy.
We have a whole slew of other stuff to contend with that I'm not going to go into, but in answer to your question. There are a few things you can try. Buspar, or buspirion is a known counter to some of those sexual side effects of the SSRI's. My husband downed 3 15 mgs tabs once,he felt kind of nauseated (it was too much) but had an orgasm in about 7 minutes. He's not taking his currently, but I hope he starts again, just a smaller amount.
Buspar,is a fairly innocuous anti anxiety med, came out in the 80s, most people don't find it effective for anxiety..though most people are very seduced by the benzos and this is much more slower acting. They did discover that for some people it helped with the sexual side effects of SSRI's.
Another avenue is switching anti-depressants,trying a different SSRI or maybe something else. Viagra,is an idea, it works for women too. You need to tell your wife how your feeling though, in a loving way, so she sees that you both need to work on this together. I wish you the best.
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Avatar_f_tn
oops, I mean your husband!!! Sorry! :) that's embarassing..my only excuse is it's morning and i'm still waking up! :)
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Avatar_f_tn
ok, i had it right the first time..that's great, ok..I'm really,really tired..sorry!!! :)
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Avatar_f_tn
ok, the last post didn't seem to take..
i've seen this happen before, I bet they both show up..but apologies for last post..I was right the first time, your wife...ooops
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Avatar_n_tn
Too funny - yes, my WIFE :)

So, buspar? I'll talk with her about that - do a little research. Thanks for the idea.

You know? Sex is way too complicated :)

Thanks again.
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Avatar_m_tn
A related discussion, i wanted to make my husband more enjoyable was started.
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Avatar_f_tn
A related discussion, what can i do was started.
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