Sexuality & Relationships Expert Forum
Husband will not touch Vagina
About This Forum:

This forum is for questions and support regarding relationship issues such as: Abstinence, Arousal Problems, Birth Control, Cohabitation, Commitment, Communication, Couples Counseling, Desire /Lack of Desire, Sexual Technique.

Font Size:
A
A
A
Background:
Blank
Blank
Blank
This expert forum is not accepting new questions. Please post your question in one of our medical support communities.
Blank Blank

Husband will not touch Vagina

My husband will not touch my Vagina. It has been over 2 years and counting.  We have only been married for 2 1/2 years.  Oral sex is a bust as well.  We are fast approaching the 1-year anniversary since I have stopped oral sex on him.  Am I being too paranoid?  I have spoken with him on several occasions expressing that I need my entire body pleasured, but to no avail. As a result our Love life has gone to pot.  And the few times it we do get together I
Related Discussions
242520_tn?1211304279
This sounds very serious and odd. It is not average, not even close to average for a man to refuse to touch his wife's vagina- it sounds as if he is phobic in some way, and that is not your fault. I would STRONGLY suggest you go see a psychologist who is also a sex therapist and have a conversation with him or her about your sex life. Tell all the detailsl. Your husband will probably have to go on his own as well, because my guess is that he has some deep seated problems about sexuality in particular, and perhaps women in general. This is not something I can solve in a short letter, but if your relationship is good in other respects, you need to help your husband get over this problem. Of course he has to agree to go see someone- but surely he knows that he is behaving oddly and that it is stressing his marriage and I am sure causing him some terrible guilt and anxiety. Approach him in a friendly way- treat this as a couple problem to solve- and strongly encourage him to become part of the solution to this issue. It won't get better unless you and he  take steps to find out the origins of his inability to relate fully to your body.
14 Comments
Blank
79258_tn?1190634010
I'm assuming he used to do this and stopped... has he said why, and/or do you remember a specific precipitating event? What have you told him about why you're not giving him oral anymore, and how did he respond? What does he tell you when you tell him what you need?
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
Yes he did it durring the 2 years prior to the marriage the love making was good.  When I have asked him why the change...He says ...Just that he does touch me (he touches my breast with a few flicks) but no pleasure stimulation to my Vagina.  I was sick about 3 months after our wedding with an infection due to a change in my birth control bills..it was beyond my control. The doctors treated it and it cleared up and I was fine in about 4 months.  After that I just waited and waited and nothing and know so much time has past. When I have spoken to him about me not giving him pleasure since the 1st of 2006 (this was my new year resoluiton to for myself) he said nothing.  Since that time our sex life has gone to pot.  We may engage once a month if I'm lucky.  This past September I found out that he was in contact with his ex-girlfriend.  He confessed after I confronted him saying that it was just because he was helping out her troubled son. I just don't know what to do.
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
My child, I'm afraid I have a bit of a different view about it.

I would be fairly suspicious of the contact with the ex-girlfriend.  In my occasional counseling of distressed couples, one of the first signs was that one or the other found out that there was contact with an old flame.  Often the contact was not innocent, despite extraordinary claims to the contrary.

I'm not saying that this is the case with your spouse.  Just that it is one possible explaination.  Of course there could be others, as the monkeywoman (?) was trying to ascertain.  I suggest talking to him openly and honestly about your sex life, trying to do so calmly and rationally, in a spirit of love.  It could be that there is something else bothering him that could be cleared up by a simple open conversation.
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
I would have to say that your husband may be getting it elsewhere.  At this point, there is no other realistic excuse.  He is rarely engaging in sexual activity with you and you found out it he was in contact with his ex.  You need to have a long heart felt conversation with him and decide where you two really stand.  This could mean the end of this relationship and the beginning of a new, exciting chapter for you. It may be heartbreaking, but the one thing that never changes is change itself. You two may have simply grown apart; it happens.  Good luck.
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
initially, my first reaction was his turn off from the 3 month infection that you had. i dont know what type of infection or whether or not you filled him in on the details of it all but for a man, that can be a real turn off. he may be thinking about that infection and that may be the reason why he wants to steer clear of it. THEN...you mentioned the ex and i changed my mind. he may be spending time with her. are the two of you having sex/intercourse? you may have said that already but i am wondering if you meant he is avoiding oral/fingering?
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
We have intercourse about 1 a month...but he has been avoiding oral/fingering for over 2 year know.  He says that nothing went on witht he ex-girlfriend...just phone call only.  But that has been out in the open since September and nothing has changed in the bedroom.  If fact now the time span of his erection as been cut by at least 2/3.  It is to the point of being terrible and I don't even want him to try anymore.  I just don't know how to even approch him at his point about the failing bedroom scene because I truly believe that he had a sexual affair with the ex.
Blank
130384_tn?1221596627
This might sound a little out-there, but bare with me.  He doesn't exhibit any unusual feminine tendencies, does he?  I'm just wondering if he might possibly be gay.
Blank
97676_tn?1340408973
This is a tough situation.  There could be a number of possibilities in this situation.  Im a straight male so I will try and help you out from a males perspective.

1.  He could be suffering from sexual anxiety, severely.  This is common, with men of all ages.  There are several treatment options for this, such as anxiety meds, viagra, psyciatric treatment, audio tapes, books, ect.  Review the facts online by googling the subject.

2.  He could be suffering from extreme depression.  Sexual lobido can be absent in a case of severe depression.  Depression can severely affect ones sex life.

3.  He could be cheating.  However, dont jump to this conclusion.  Not all men need sex every minute of every day.  Thats a stereotype.  As long as I get it two to three times a week, Im good.

4.  In the case of lobido loss, his sexual desire may not be there.  In this case he should seek Docs advice about hormonal treatments.

5.  Loss of attraction between the two of you.  The spark may be gone, but however can be rekindled.  If you feel the sexual attraction between you two is gone, try to kick it up a notch.  Think about whether you two are on the same sexual level too.  Get on the same page with one another about your sexual needs.

6.  Last but not least, he might not like women.  He might be stuck in the closet.  Dont jump to this conclusion though.  

The two of you need to talk about it further.  Have you tried sex therapy classes?
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
We have been to therapy both seperate and together.  Me for the issues with the ex and him for the stress. But we have not been to sex therapy.  I have gotten no signs of a down low thing gay vibe.
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
wow a guy that does not get oral from his wife, and does NOT complain ?   thats a red flag right there !!!    i can't imagine
what his deal is, but sherlock holmes said once you cancel out the impossible, what ever is left, however unlikely, must be true.      good luck                      l.e.
Blank
79258_tn?1190634010
I don't know, the ex-gf contact could be completely innocent. Or not. But since it all started with your infection, I think I'd probably start there. What were his feelings about it? How did you act/react during your infection? What was sex like then?

I think it might be a good idea to consider seeing a sex therapist for some couples counseling. There's a lot going on here... the precipitating infection, the communication difficulties, his ex, the stress/ex issues you alluded to, any relationship concerns, intimacy issues, you name it. Seeing a therapist together can help you work it all out.
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
Are you doing any thing different????not to be rood but do you have very clean hygiene do you still dance happily across the front room our whatever you did when the relationship was new and fun cute remarks some people get used to giving bad attitudes over time and don't think anything of it that can kill the mood days later maybe some people need to change   the relationship  some thing new but with each other??
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
You are not alone!!! My husband and i have been together for 8 years and after about 2 years he stopped touching my vagina. In the last six years he has fingered me once and oral sex is completely out of the question. I dont get any gay vibe from him and i am 100 percent certain he is not cheating. We have sex around 1 a week and it is always me who initiates it. I have to prasctically beg him for it. And we never seem to have sex at night. Its always in the morning so he can get up when he is done. He wont even kiss me. I feel like a *****. I know this doesnt really help you, but I havent been able to talk to anybody about this. I feel so ashamed about it, like it is my fault.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
A related discussion, My husband won't touch me was started.
Blank
Continue discussion Blank
MedHelp Health Answers
Blank
Weight Tracker
Weight Tracker
Start Tracking Now
RSS Expert Activity
233488_tn?1310696703
Blank
New Cannabis Article from NORTH Mag...
Jul 20 by John C Hagan III, MD, FACS, FAAOBlank
242532_tn?1269553979
Blank
3 Reasons Why You are Still Binge E...
Jul 14 by Roger Gould, M.D.Blank
242532_tn?1269553979
Blank
Emotional Eating: What Your Closet ...
Jul 09 by Roger Gould, M.D.Blank