Husband wont have sex with me!!

[LONELYANDBROKEN]

My husband and I have been together for three years. At first our sex lives were great all except he wouldn't let me give him oral sex. This lasted a few months and then slowly our sex has dwindled down to three times a month, then one time a month and now, today I was informed that I should just be thankful for what we have and not think about having sex any longer. This has tore me up inside. I feel so broken and hurt.He rarely gives me a peck on the mouth when he leaves for work and pets the dog more than he even touches me. I'm so sad. I just don't understand what's going on. He says that he has no desire to have sex anymore. I feel this is selfish of him not to want to please me at least. I'm just at my wits end.

lonely and broken

[Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D.]

    My guess is he is having sex elsewhere- with either a man or a woman. He is being one nasty S.O.B. with you- depriving you, making you feel like an unwelcome visitor in your own house, and telling you what you have to settle for-- what is this guy, an emperor?

    You really need to get out of there. Go see a lawyer, a counselor-- and if that is too expensive for you , go to a woman's shelter or the YWCA or some place that understands mistreatment of women and can give you advice, emotional support and perhaps some legal information to help you proceed.

   This isn't just about sex-- it's about contempt. He is treating the dog better than he treats you- are you going to stand for that?  Find a girlfriend, your mother, anyone you trust- tell them what you are going through and let them help you out of this- or at the very least- into counseling.. My quick guess ( and of course I don't know enough to give a fullly responsible opinion) is that the marriage is over and that he is emotionally and sexually engaged elsewere- but for some reason wants to keep you around. Maybe there are some good things between you-- but no one should be in a sexless three year old marriage-- and told that sex is over. That's not a marriage- don't kid yourself that it is.

   Please, please- take care of yourself and your life. Get some on site counseling and get some backbone - and carefully plan your next steps. It might mean getting in counseling with him- it might mean just finding out how to leave the marriage- or it might even mean having him followed to find out what is really going on.  I can't tell you what to do from here- but I can tell you this is not a situation you should accept.

[swirlingcoffee]

Unfortunately, I'm like your husband and reading your post enabled me to empathize more with what my wife is going through.  I do still give her a lot of affection, but the desire for sex is gone.

It's a very weird thing for a guy to experience, having pursued sex with lustful intensity for so many years.  Your confidence goes, you feel abnormal, you feel the pressure of not "pleasing your woman", you're embarassed, but all the anxiety just makes your sexual organs feel more dead and disconnected from your body.  I know you think it's selfish, but remember, on a very fundamental level, it's harder for a man to please his woman when he's having issues (purely from an erectile perspective), than it is for a woman.  Granted, that's the basest level.

If my wife showed more concern for my feelings, asked interested questions about what was going on, and generally seemed more loving and concerned with me, it would help a lot.  The harping on the sex issue makes it so much worse, because in part it really starts to feel like I'm not loved, it's just about her.

I'd ask him if he still masturbates, that will clue you in to whether it's more a relationship issue or a personal issue with himself.

Also, make sure you're focusing on how much you, yourself actually needs sex to be happy, rather than benchmarking against what you think is "normal" from what you hear from friends, on TV, movies, etc.  No one talks openly about what's really going on, so it's a false benchmark.  It's like thinking your neighbor makes more than you because they have a nicer car.

Good luck

[losgusanos]

wow, I can't believe this thread.

Sex and passion are up in the top 2 main things in a relationship in my opinion.

Let me say it from a point of view of a husband in a 13 year marriage, that if I was with someone that thought the same as me it would be a hell of a lot better.

My opinion is that what separates the person you got married to from all the others? Sure, it is love, laughter, common interests...but isn't part of it the physical attraction to each other, and feeling comfortable enough to be intamate in different places, anyplace, anytime?

Trust me, if all of us were in the dating field, and we were all 100% honest with the other people we dated, the people that said "sex is overrated", and quoting the last poster "The harping on the sex issue makes it so much worse," (like that statement won't kill what you have left?. people that HONESTLY would say those things when dating would find themselves in one of 2 situations.

Either, single for their entire life, OR partnered with another that thinks the same. But guess what? that NEVER happens, because people go into this commited relationship BOTH saying they want sex, then usually if not ALWAYS 1 of them changes the rules and backs off.

Then the other person doesn't only feel rejected...but , usually is also blamed for " harping on the sex issue ," its a cruel situation to be in.

Trust me, if I found someone that thought the same as me, not only would I be with them in bed doing anything whenever they wanted...but, our relationship would have less stress, more bonding, and everything that makes a relationship strong.

Sorry for the vent, I just can't comprehend this kind of thinking.

[swirlingcoffee]

"can't comprehend that thinking" is really saying you can't empathize.  And when you can't empathize, you might want to tread a little lighter around peoples' feelings.

Cheers

[losgusanos]

I actually will admit, I worded that extremelly wrong and I do appologize.

What I should have said, is that my wife has said that to me countless times, and it has made me extremelly frustrated. I truly meant that to be in the context of my relationship because I have heard the same words to me and I can't understand where she is coming from .

But, it is common, and I didn't mean truly for it to come across the way it did.
I'm sorry again.
Again, it is definately a normal situation in many relationships.

[NoNamesPlease]

My husband and I have a wonderful rapport, we very rarely fight, we're constantly physically affectionate (tickling, touching, hand-holding, kissing), communicate easily with each other, voluntarily spend the majority of our free time together, and are apparently happily in love as best friends and spouses. He tells me often that I'm his 'soul mate'.

However, he seems to have no interest in having sex with me. I have kept my figure at size 5 (currently dieting to get to 3 because this issue is breaking my heart and I hope that will help). He is about 50 lbs overweight; one of his 'excuses' is that it's too much effort to have sex, it tires him out. He's 52, I'm 55. We have no kids or pets at home to prevent us from having sex at any time. I've had cosmetic surgery and look a comfortable 10 years younger than I am. He finds energy to very actively work in our garden (for several hours at a time, hard, physical labor), putz around the house fixing things, or fish, his favorite activity.

He had a comprehensive physical 4 months ago; he's very healthy (as am I). Neither of us have any 'conditions'. He dutifully asked the doctor for Viagra, although he doesn't really need it, and we've put it to use three times. He says Viagra makes him sleepy. He prefers oral sex, which I'm very happy to provide, and he says he enjoys. However, he flatly refuses to ever return 'the favor'. He also disdains the missionary position, which he'll only do grudgingly ("can we stop now?"), preferring rear (vaginal) entry. So, even with Viagra, sex is a chore for him, and when we're done, he'll inevitably ask if I'm "happy now?". I don't think I nag him, because I want him to want to do it of his own volition. But these last three times, I had to suggest it. Earlier this afternoon, he promised me tonight we'd 'go blue' (Viagra is a blue pill). He apparently forgot. He said he was distracted because he barbequed dinner (hmm, he does that often and it took all of 30 minutes), and of course, he HAD to watch The Bridge on the River Kwai when he discovered it was on TV.

What the hell is his problem? When I have asked this question (in a nice way, of course, I am NOT nasty or nagging), he kisses me, holds me, tells me he loves me, and promises he'll be more interested. I've been through that too many times to believe him. I am at my wits end, I've wept about it a few times (when he's not around), and vowed to contact an old boyfriend, which makes me angry, but I've really had it.

[shadowsting]

I'm sorry to say this but I'm glad you all have posted this. It makes me feel like its not just me. My husband is the same way. We have a good relationship except that I want sex 4-7 times a week and he doesn't want it at all. It was a slow tapering because at first it was daily or more and now almost 3 years later its been months. Reading this makes me more depressed because it seems that there is no hope but at least its not just me.

[whatisay]

Wow- the first repsone is he is having sex somewhere else(and to boot you suggest he is having sex with a man).  Wow, that is simply irresponsible.  When this woman says to her man you are gay, do you know what that will do- I do because it happened to me.  I was crushed.  My wife wnated sex on her terms her terms alone and drove me away from her.  Insults and worse.  Do you really think someone want to have sex with you when you insult them?  I stuck around because I lvoe my wife and while Idecided I could not change her I would try to be better,  I would work on things I could improve, whether at her suggestion or my own.  I ask her how her day is, I try to show interest in her activiities, I try to build an emotional connection( which she say is absent about every 6 months when she has to much to drink.  Of course this turns into why I don't make that conneciton, why it is my fault we grew distant and how she is perfect)  Whe I talk to her she shuts down.  If i try to offer a story about my day something I found funny, she show utter boredom, boarding on contempt for me wating her time.  Yet I endure.  If she wants to tell me about her day, I listen and not just to feign interest, but to listen and aks questions and to see if there is anything I can do about whatever the topic is.  Yet she still wonders why it is difficult for me to have a constant erection for her.  She has gone so far as to say it is just sex-That's great, I replacable by any penis around- which by the way has happened.  
The reason I tell this tale-go ahead balme him, attack him, call him a liar, a cheater and gay.  Lets see if he wants to have sex with you more often.  Would you?

[Kevin88]

I have a question but i dont have credit card so im doing this here.  In my attemps to lessen the amount of noise i make when i masturbate i began to place my thumb on the big vein. for a while it was good, but after a year or two a brown spot apperead.  it looks kinda like dry skin but its a patch on the left side.  now i cant acheive a full erection anytime and im afraid this will effect my sexual preformance with a woman. what is this and what should i do? please help and please dont delete this. oh and if it matters i am 16

[Groovy One]

Apart from the previous post, which is totally unrelated to this thread, I have found the comment very intesting.

My husbands and I have bit problems.  We have been together for 10 years and married for 5.  We have 2 kiddies (ages 4.5 and 3).  

My husband is not interested in sex much at all.  9 times out of 10 I have to initiate.  Over the years I have been rejected for reasons such as "i'm tired, I have a soccer graze, I have to get up early in the morning, I'm watching TV" etc.  

The problems have been there since mid 1999, so that's 8 years now.  All this time I keep thinking that it cannot possibly be this way, that things will improve.  But, they are not improving.

I have always tried to discuss things with my husband.  He says there are no issues and not to 'pressure him'.  I think questioning his sex drive after he has not approached me for 2 months is a valid question ..........?  The reason why 2 months passes is because I become so drained from asking, asking, asking that sometimes I think....."I'll see how long it goes if I do nothing, don't ask".

My husband travels for work.  When he goes away for 1-2 weeks - he usually gets home, says hello, i missed you, talks to me for 10minutes, then has a shower and goes to bed.  I'll be left sitting on the couch thinking ..... riiiiight.

When he travels for work, I do not miss him.  I miss the assistance with the kids, but I do not miss him as a person.  I guess, because there is nothing for me to really miss about him.

He is a great dad to the kids - quite caring and likes playing with them.

We are in counselling at the moment.  I am very open with things and have said to my husband before counselling, and to the counsellor (with my husband present) that the only things I can think of are (1) he has a low sex drive (2) he is cheating on me (3) he is gay.  The counsellor asked my husband if any ot those fit and he said no.  I have no issues with my sex dive, I find my wife sexually attractive.  The counsellor is trying to help work out what is going on here.

He cannot exploain his lack of desire.  Nor does he want to.  He simply says "we have a good sex life, my sex drive is fine".  We last had sex 7 weeks ago - initiated by me.

I feel so drained, tired and helpless.  I keep thinking that he is gay.  My mum thinks he may be.  New friends that meet him think he may be.

I do not know WHAT to do!  It doesn't help things when I have other men approaching me.  I am a size 2, natural looking and generally a nice, open person I guess.  I could never have an affair, but sometimes I wish I could!  It may give me the sexual satisfaction I am looking for ........ I can't do that though.

Prior to counselling I said to my husband that I wanted to separate.  We agreed on counselling before that happened.  My husband and I are both 33 - he is 8 months younger.

I just feel like I am being taken for a ride.  I am confused and do not want to live a celebate life.  I think that sex 10 times a year is really strange and not right.  

I am dying inside.  My husband knows ALL of this - he basically says that things are not the way that they are.  I feel as though he is in denial.

What to do??  I don't know!!

[K4L]

I have found this thread very interesting.
I have been disinterested in sex and rejected it in the past and now that i desire more than  my husband I am sure he  doesn't know how to deal with it.
I feel sad now thinking about the times I said no to him for less than legitimate reasons (eg. can't be bothered)
My desire is so high now I would be happy to do it all day. My husband tells me I am being less than realistic. Of course! He has work and I have the kids to care for.
I know I should feel lucky to get it as much as I do but i really yearn for the intimacy I get when I am with my husband. Its more than just sex. Its about feeling special and loved. This is something we wouldn't do with any one else.
I know my husband feels pressure and I feel bad for that, I try to suppress my feelings. I really want him to iniate and try and seduce me like he used to. I want him to really desire me.

[I can't have it all?]

My live in boy friend of one year has noooooooooooooooooo sex drive at all.  When we do have sex he climaxes so fast that I am left so unsatisfied and feel sooo empty. I try to go on as the sex episode continues but I feel as if his sexual interest fades after he climaxes. He tries to make me climax but it is starting to become mental now with me and I am fading sexually away from him. I know that talking about it with him will make him feel bad so I have not said a word.

I love this man and I feel he loves me. He is loving and sweet and all that I would want in a man. But I am a woman of 32 years and my boyfriend is 5 years younger than me. Please note that it has nothing to do with looks we are both very attractive, I have put on 30 pounds after quitting smoking. But I am in the gym trying to loss it.  I don't know how to talk about it without talking about it.  I just don't know if he is seeing someone else on the side or is it me or what?

How do I handle this, if I write him a letter would that work? If I do what do I ask him?

Love sucks...if it is not one thing it is something else!!!!

[Unsatisfied1977]

I am in the same boring situation.  I have been with my partner for 9 years and we have two children.  Up until about 5 months ago our sex lives were great!  Then the unthinkable happened.  He doesn't want me.  I know there is no one else cause he is always home right from work and we spend every weekend together.  Every time I initiate sex he says no.  I don't understand why.  I have spent many nights crying and thinking he doesn't want me anymore.  It is the worst feeling as a woman to think your husband doesn't think you are sexy and you feel a sense of rejection.  This has bothered me so much that I don't know if I can stay with him.  There is no PASSION in our lives and I don't want that.  I want someone who is gonna make me feel sexy and wanted.  I just don't understand what happened to us.  I really don't think that it is me cause I will almost do anything and everything to please him and he knows it.  All I know is that it is a horrible feeling.....a very horrible feeling....I feel unwanted and it makes me self conscious.  Does anyone have any suggestions???

[mvenegas]

Sorry to hear that you are going through such a rough time. Just reading your story made me cry to an extent that you would not believe. I know that you love your husband and that its hard for you to understand. You always say no one can know what you are feeling until they are in your shoes. Well sweety I've been there. My husband and I got married really young. And we were sexually active then all of a sudden it started decreasing to the point where there was no sex. Until this day there still isn't any sex. If it wasn't because I'm always nagging at him for it I'm pretty sure he wouldn't give it to me. As a matter of fact I logged onto this website to find an answer for it. In the beginning I didn't understand why he didn't want to have sex with me and to be honest with you almost 7 years have gone by since this situation all started and I still don't understand. Its hard for me to tell you to just get out of your relationship when I'm still involved in mine. Although the healthiest thing for me would be to completely get out of my relationship its extremely hard because I have 2 children and expecting another. The only thing is that I know he masturbates and it hurts my feelings to know that he no longer wants to be with me but with himself. In the beginning I saw this as a battle in our relationship which I was willing to help him get out of. But as of 2 weeks ago I feel disgust and not aroused at all. He has put me through so much **** that I don't know where to start or where it ends. I mean the whole thing with him wanting to masturbate instead of being with me has really hurt my confidence as a woman. I know how you feel. All I can say is that you need to find counseling for yourself and know that his problem has nothing to do with you. You are still in time to start all over. I know you love your husband because believe me although he has put me through a lot I still can't stop loving mine. If you ever need to talk you can email me at ***@****
'

[Telef]

I think this problem is connected with erectile dysfunction. Guys, be honest! I had this problem and just said about it to my wife. There are many ways to treat it. Just try to do something. I use Extagen and try to use only healthy food. We have sex two times a week!!!

[pch1]

A spouse or partner refusing sex could mean that they are cheating, and that relationship is over, but not necessarily. I'm in a long term relationship, and I'm really not into sex anymore. It gets old after awhile. I also take Propecia, which kills libido. I don't cheat, and I don't want to break up. I would simply rather go out to dinner or work out than have sex. I wish I had more interest in sex, but two people rarely have the same sex drive.  I'm still in love, I don't want to break up. If the relationship breaks up because of this, than so be it, but I am not "abusive" because I'm not into sex.

[isitme]

I feel like I have finally connected with someone who has the same problem as myself.   I have been married for about 9 years and thought that sex was good.  but my husband I think thinks it stinks.  Is not interested and who knows what.  he is a good man and I know that he isn't cheating., He does masterbate, I am very sure, but has no interest      Massages were a way of arrousal for him, if he had given me one, but not any longer no massages for me.   I am at my wits end on what to do to solve this.   Help!

[uplate]

Outside of my therapist, I haven't spoken of this to anyone EVER -- but after reading your posts I am compelled to vomit out my story, because I believe (not to sound melodramatic) that this no sex stuff is literally killing me (I've got cancer).  I love sex and I used to be pretty wild with my last boyfriend.  But with my current guy, I haven't had it in -- I can't believe this -- 11 years!!!!  (He suffers from retarded ejaculation).  He is everything I still want in a man, attractive, my best friend etc and I love him deeply.  I know he loves me, but he doesn't desire me and I need both, which makes me mad and feeling sooooo rejected.   He was raised in a tight lipped religious family  so when it comes to talking about sex, it is difficult and painful for him to even talk about.  I suspect he was abused but he share's very little about his past.  He says he went to a urologist long ago to check it out and the doc said the problem was psychological but he's never addressed it, since.  Other women left him because of this, which of course, made any trust issues worse.  Knowing all this,  I have always been encouraging and supportive and I never want to shame him so it's gotten to the point where talking about it has become taboo.  The problems started soon after we became intimate.  He'd get frustrated as sex was painful for him since he couldn't orgasm.  He doesn't even jerk off.  So I'd try everything I could think of and also let him know there was no pressure, how much I loved him, didn't think he was gay etc.  But as the months passed, it soon became evident the interest seemed to be only on my part.  Then he began to show any lack of interest in pleasing me and just lay there with his eyes closed.  One night, I felt so guilty, like I'd raped him or something, I stopped trying to initiate sex.  The problem was, by this time we were in love so we didn't want to part company.  It's like we entered into some unspoken deal that I would accept it and I just shut down too.  Occasionally I'd cry 'cause I couldn't take it anymore; ask him the usual questions such as : Is it me? etc.  He always said, no, it's him.  Again, when it comes to this subject he's not the sharing type so it's hard to draw him out.  In every other way he's been  faithful -- home all the time, supportive, etc.  So... I don't want to dump him and before I know it, ******* YEARS  pass.  As a friend of mine once said:  If you're not feeding one hole you're feeding another.  I began a  love affair -- unfortunately, it was with my refrigerator.  I packed on the pounds --   a LOT of pounds.     I blame this no sex thing as the initial 'cause but I also take responsibility for my blimpatude because, weirdly, I knew what I was doing, yet I continued to chow down anyway.    Then deeper depression set in, I developed thyroid problems and my hair started falling out -- there is, I painfully admit, a certain safety in becoming a total hag, because now it is my excuse for not wanting to be intimate (not that I'm ever asked by him).  Recently, I got a harsh wake up call that is finally making me face this enormous part of my life that I've ignored.   I was just diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer.  I am in the process of treatment and see it as a wake up call to change my life.   At the same time, ironically, I don't know how I would get through facing this illness without him.  He's been my rock, supportive, loving and attentive.   So here I am.   Over the last few months, for myself, I've made some radical changes -- finally been eating healthy, exercising and speaking up about things that bother me.  I even talked to him about tackling this sex issue when I get better, but I can tell, even tho' he said he would, it's something he's afraid to do.  I still don't want to leave him (I ask myself, would I leave my husband if he became paralyzed -- it's kind of like that).  Sometimes I think about having an affair but am ambivalent.   As I re-read this, I think:  I sound like some long, silently suffering martyr but I honestly don't view myself that way.  I stayed in this relationship of my own free will.   I'm just extremely confused, sad and privately waffle between deep sympathy for him and anger at him.   But this time, I am determined not to let my illness be yet another excuse for not dealing with this.  I can't keep choking down how I feel because I want to spare him pain.  HOW we can work improving our sex life, is the question we all seem to be asking on this forum.  Retarded ejaculation, from what I've been reading, is a complex emotional issue and difficult to cure.  AND the guy has to be willing to try.   I'm going to ask my therapist to recommend a sex therapist and then broach the subject about going.  Tonight, in bed, he started rubbing my back, but when I tried to do the same for him, he got angry -- said he doesn't like it.  Wait 'till he hears about the therapist.  I'm sure he'll love that.  So I got up, wandered over to the computer, and after 11 stupid years it occurred to me to look on the internet to see if I was alone.  I started out crying as I wrote this long-*** post but it's also been cathartic.  4AM.  I'm going back to bed.  PS. To the lady whose husband masturbates rather than sleeps with her, I don't know if the following is of any relevance to you or of any help insight-wise:  But I had a girlfriend who experienced a similar situation, and her boyfriend admitted to her that it was easier for him to do because there was no emotional connection to deal with -- nobody to worry about pleasing other than himself.  I have to give the guy credit for figuring it out and admitting it because that then gave them something to work with.

[green eyed lady]

Reading these posts have made me so sad and I am so sorry for what everyone is going through. I believe sex is a very important part of a relationship and it's also so important for our well being...the last poster can attest to that.

I on the other hand have the opposite problem. My problem isn't the lack of sex, my problem is that sex is the only thing that is/was keeping us together. Great sexual chemistry has kept me in a relationship that is emotionally abusive. Let me explain.

I recently broke up with BF of 3 yrs because he has addiction problems. In retrospect the ONLY thing that has kept me in this relationship for so long was our sexual relationship. I have NEVER felt so loved, so desired and so satisfied than when we were in bed together. He could lie to me and he would just look at me and even though I was so upset and hurt I would melt and the next thing I know we are in bed together.

The reason why I mention this is because I don't believe people really take into account how important sex or the lack thereof, is in a relationship...it can literally make it or break it...and in my case it *made it*. I let passion cloud my judgement and I put up with things that I never would have imagined I would (not cheating, I cannot abide by that..ex cheated). Even now that we aren't together and I'm in the process of moving 3 hrs away, I cannot be around him for very long because I want that passion back so badly that I'm afraid that I will make decisions that will hurt my future, ie.. not moving away from him, as he is toxic to my mental health.

I see both sides of the coin on this one and I believe that both can be equally as destructive. I really am afraid that I will never find this kind of passion again. I never would have imagined how truly important sex is to a HEALTHY relationship. I wish you all the best in finding your *happy medium* so everyone is content. E

[Lorielle]

Its so sad!  I think usually its the wife who has these "sexual shut downs".  But the guy who does the Men are from Mars/Women are from Venus, says that men sometimes shut down when their wife continually denies them OR when their wife is TOO demanding and expects it so often and in a certain way, etc.   Anyway, i just got back from my marriage counselor who also sees me and my husband separately and she told me that between 50 and 80% of couples have sexual problems of one kind or another.    I think some of these men in these posts might actually have a problem with having sex because they are feeling guilty because you're not married, perhaps?  Anyway, i know when I was first married, i expected it a lot and demanded it a lot and my husband shut down a little.  Now we're the other way around.  I just think we ALL need help, whether from a self-help book (there are lots, one of my favorite was "Mars and Venus in the Bedroom"), or from a therapist, or from clergy or through prayer.   May we all get the help we so desperately need.  

[trixie_ciarra]

I just found this site and I thank GOD I did!!!  I am 7 months into a relationship after being widowed almost 3 years ago.  My fiance doesn't have any sexual desire hardly.  I too have cried myself to sleep, wondered if it was me, etc.  He has a mild drug problem (getting that took care of too) and I had been researching that and ended up here.  The 2 times we have had any sex he just took care of me.  He didn't get hard either time but from his reactions he enjoyed what he ws doing.  He has only had 1 erection that I know of in the 7 months we've been together and he was asleep.  He hasn't kissed me (deeply) since the last time which was almost 3 months ago.  He is always home, is very attentive otherwise and tells me every day that he loves me.  He also still does the little things, hand holding, light kisses, etc.  He tried Viagra or Cialis once and it didn't work.  He also tried 3 OTC remedies:  Enzyte and 2 others from GNC.  None worked.  I am just at my wits end.  I have never been overly sexual until now.  Maybe a "want what you can't have" situation.  We have talked about it alot and he has promised to see a dr.  He feels horrible about it and said it has been going on for several years.  He just didn't want to do anything about it before now.  Again, I just don't know what to do and needed to vent.