This forum is for questions and support regarding relationship issues such as: Abstinence, Arousal Problems, Birth Control, Cohabitation, Commitment, Communication, Couples Counseling, Desire /Lack of Desire, Sexual Technique.
I am not getting an errection. My wife tries to stimulate my penis and sometime gives me an oral to get the errection. But by the time i am half errect i am ejaculating. This is very annoying. I also feel that i am not having a sensation. Is there any treatment for this? If so which doctor i should go to? Please help.
There are many factors which might contribute to your not getting erections and also to having an orgasm before you’d like. Some are emotional, and some are physical.
Men receive so many messages that sex is about “performance” and pleasing a partner, rather than just enjoying the pleasure of it. Everything is goal-oriented—like a football game. The other message that many men receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure.
The more you think of sex as being about performance, the more worries you'll have. If you're stressed, you'll probably worry even more. And this can be a vicious circle. For most of us, sex is about fun and pleasure. If you think of it as performance, or a “job,” you’ll set yourself for a stressful experience. Remember: Performance can be the enemy of pleasure and fun. If you’re focused on performing, rather than just enjoying yourself, your penis can become incredibly stubborn and uncooperative.
In regards to not lasting as long as you’d like: During their early self-pleasuring experiments, many men learn a very quick orgasm pattern in order to avoid detection—like in the bathroom (“You’ve been in there for hours! What are you doing?”) Learning to come quickly with a partner can also set up this pattern. Guilt, anxiety and relationship conflict may create a situation where some men just want to get it over with quickly so they won’t have to deal with any of those feelings.
It’s important to remember that if you’re having erections at other times besides with a partner (morning erections, being sexual with yourself, etc.), chances are there aren’t any physical causes. When you wake in the morning, do you have a firm erection? This is a dead give-away that your problem is probably not physical. However, if your erections are always semi-soft and you also are aware of lack of sensation, there are many medical conditions that could contribute, among them stress, obesity, injury, vascular system problems, etc. So see a urologist for a check-up, to determine whether there’s any physical cause.
If you’re in good physical health, then the emotional factors discussed above may be the culprit. If this is the case, you might consider seeing a clinical sexologist or other clinician who specializes in sexual concerns. It helps to be able to talk about these issues with someone who is both knowledgeable and skilled. Good luck! Dr. J
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