This forum is for questions and support regarding relationship issues such as: Abstinence, Arousal Problems, Birth Control, Cohabitation, Commitment, Communication, Couples Counseling, Desire /Lack of Desire, Sexual Technique.
I'm 30yrs old and have been with my current sexual partner for over 3yrs. We aren't dating, its more friends with benefits. My problem is that I can't reach orgasm anymore, it must be about 6mths since I came and it used to happen every time. He works in a different city and we see each other about once a month.When we're having sex I feel like I'm going to come and then it just stops. I'm not sure what the issue is, sometimes I think its just because I'm thinking about it too much and putting all this pressure on myself. In case you need to know, I don't masturbate I've tried but it just doesn't turn me on. Any advice would be helpful thanks.
Has he tried going a little rougher when u feel your about to come? It's pretty tough for my boyfriend to get me to sometimes. When u feel ur about to reach that point let him know to go faster and a little harder, make sure theres a lot of rubbing on pelvis to pelvis contact to stimulate your clítoris. Going a bit harder usually works.
Thanks for clarifying. Men's orgasm issues are waaay different than women's.
I think you're probably on target when you say you're putting too much pressure on yourself. That makes you anxious. which gets in the way of pleasure and the focus needed for orgasm. I wonder if it's because you don't see each other very often, and that puts lots of pressure on everything to be perfect.
That said, here's some general information which I think will be helpful to you.
When you meet someone who tells you they can't swim, you know it's not that they CAN'T, it's that they just haven't learned yet--usually because they're afraid, right?
Orgasm is the same way: for most of us, it's a learned behavior, but many of us haven't yet learned how because we're afraid--for a myriad of reasons.
First, many of us don’t ever learn about our own bodies—particularly our vulva. What do girls learn about their vulva? They receive either no message at all (which is the same as receiving a negative message), or they are given two washcloths—one for their body, and one for “down there.” Now there’s a negative message for you: It’s so dirty, you can’t touch it with the same cloth you’d use on the rest of your body! It’s no wonder that we’re woefully ignorant about orgasm as well.
So how to remedy that? The first step in claiming your body is to learn about your crotch: 1) Do a self-exam: Get a good mirror, sit down, find all your parts and get to know them. Look at your unique colors and shapes and revel in this wonderful gift you’ve been given! 2) Look at photos of vulvas. Excellent books are available from http://www.libida.com and http://www.goodvibes.com/
Most of us learn about women’s orgasms from movies, TV and books. You know: the perfect, romantic, spontaneous, simultaneous, earth-moving Big O. We’re supposed to orgasm from 2 minutes of penis-vagina sex in the missionary position in the dark with a partner who is clueless. So we put this pressure on ourselves and are mostly disappointed when it doesn’t happen.
Here’s the reality: In women, the clitoris must be stimulated—either directly or indirectly—in order for orgasm to happen. The clitoris is our primary sex organ--not the vagina--and consists of the glans (or head), the hood which covers the glans, and the shaft. Most women do not orgasm from penis-vagina sex alone, so please don't put pressure on yourself to do so.
For most women, orgasm results from a constant circular motion around the shaft and glans. Also important to know is that once a woman’s orgasm begins, if the stimulation is removed, the orgasm will end. Orgasm is characterized by a series of pleasurable, involuntary contractions in and around the vulva (clitoris, vagina and inner/outer lips). Most women have between 5 and 8 contractions per orgasm.
It takes time and practice to learn about your own orgasms before you share them with a partner, and it's important that you “own” your orgasm fully and not let someone else define how you should be responding. The best way to find out what you like is to experiment when you’re alone. Check out the area around your clitoris first. Be sure to use some lubrication and gently touch around the top and sides to find out what feels good. You may need to do this many times before you get comfortable and used to the intensity. Find the sensitive spots that feel good. The best part of this learning experience is that it’s fun!
Once you understand your own body’s responses, then you can begin to share them with a partner—even more fun! Be patient. It takes time to learn and to build up trust, but if you do this now, you’ll be setting yourself up for yummy sex for the rest of your life. I highly recommend the book, "For Yourself: The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality," by Lonnie Barbach. It's widely available in paperback, and is a step-by-step program for learning about your own sexual response. In addition, it contains lots of sharing by women about their own personal journeys of sexual self-discovery. I think it will help you immensely.
And one final word about orgasms: They last about 10 seconds, and yet we put so much value on them. Besides orgasm, there are lots of pleasurable things to enjoy during sex--whether it's with yourself or with a partner. So please don't focus solely on orgasm. If you put that kind of pressure on yourself, it becomes a "job" instead of fun. And sex can be lots of fun if you relax and enjoy all the sensations. Sex is a grand buffet of wonderful dishes. If you focus on only one, you'll miss out on all the other wonderful flavors. Good luck! Dr. J
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