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I cheated. Should I confess?
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I cheated. Should I confess?

I recently cheated on my wife with a friend of hers.  After a party at our house, everyone else went to bed, and we stayed up for a while.  We were both way too drunk.  One thing lead to another, and we had a short kissing a groping session.  After a few minutes, we came to our senses and stopped.  

I am completely sick over this.  I can't eat.  I keep throwing up at work.  I can't concentrate.  My heart feels like its beating out of my chest constantly.  I've never felt such intense, white-hot stress in my life.

Do I tell my wife?  It will crush her.  Totally crush her.  We have a 16 month old daughter.  What have I done to her?  How could I do this?  If I could just undo one evening of my life.  

Can you blame me for not wanting to tell?  I feel like I woke up the next day and saw everything differently.  How could I take this all for granted?  Maybe I can take this as a wake-up call and really work harder at my marriage.  I don't want to risk losing this nice life I have.

I have no feelings for the friend.  She mentioned briefly the next morning the words "never happened", and looked upset.

Is it really worth me admitting to this awful thing I've done?  But then again, how do I know that this intense guilt will fade?  Has anyone else not confessed?
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523042_tn?1212181495
Jay:

OK. You can stop beating yourself now.

First, in spite of all the well-meaning comments above, no one can tell you what to do. That's for you to figure out for yourself, perhaps with the help of a skilled therapist. Everyone else's opinion is just that: an opinion based on their own biases, fears, etc.

First, look at why this happened. Alcohol is a disinhibitor, and with enough lubrication, many of us are likely to do things that we wouldn't ordinarily do. I'm wondering if you're truly happy in your marriage. I note that you don't mention loving your wife and that you have a young daughter. Realize that it's common for men to feel neglected when their first child is born. Perhaps that might have been the source of your looking for a little attention? And also realize that what you did was so minor. It may be a wake-up call for you, or it may be nothing other than poor judgment due to alcohol.

You might want to consult a therapist who is non-judgmental and will help you discover the origins of your actions. In this process, you can also begin to figure out whether it's a good idea for you to tell your wife. If you DO decide to tell her, be sure it's in a therapy session, where the clinician can help both of you.

It's important to be aware that the odds of her not ever finding out are slim, since there are so many variables, including any future contacts with your family friend. Here's a brief vignette for you: the Mayor of San Francisco had an affair with the wife of one of his staff members. They ended it, and he thought that was that. However, later, in therapy, she decided she needed to come clean to her husband, and, well, you get the picture. All hell broke loose. You have to consider that you have no control over this other person's actions, so if you don't eventually talk with your wife about this in therapy, it may explode at a future time. Plus you'll also be walking around with it in your consciousness, every day.

Everyone is different, so it's also possible that none of this will happen to you. I only mention it because you should be aware of all the possibilities.

So get yourself to a skilled therapist and begin the process. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
9 Comments
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580755_tn?1357673215
Well I once heard that people often confess out of gulity to help themselves. Telling your wife is 100% your choice. Sometimes people don't want to know.

My suggestion is making some changes to yourself and committment to marriage. I would either stop drinking or not get drunk anymore. You were in 1 situation when you were drunk and who is to say you don't get into another situation if you get drunk again. And as you have said work harder on the marriage. You see what really is important to you and sometimes it takes situations like this for people to really get it into there heads.

Now if it was with a random women you would never see again then it would be easier to deal with and easier not to tell your wife. But being that it was a friend oh hers you have to factor in what if she breaks and tells your wife 1st (or if she is married her husband). I would suggest talking to this woman a little more about the situation.

Again it is your call to tell or not to tell.
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751197_tn?1270317756
I can't see any good possibly coming from telling your wife that you kissed and groped her friend. Like Vance2335, I would tend to agree that you have a problem with alcohol. You may or may not be familiar with the "Twelve Steps" of AA. To stop drinking, an alcoholic needs to begin with Step 1; however, further down the list are these two:

"8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all."

"9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."

Notice the last clause of Step 9 and you decide. That's just my opinion (though I'm not really expressing an opinion other than it sounds like you have a problem with alcohol).

However, a question: You being the groper can only control whether you confess to your wife. What if the 'gropee' (your wife's friend) leans toward telling her, and you keep it to yourself? Perhaps she won't, as reflected in her comment, "Never happened." Just a thought.

In any event, take care, remember the effect that alcohol had on you that night, forgive yourself, and find as many ways as you can to express love to your wife and daughter.

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Avatar_f_tn
i won't go so far as to say you have a drinking problem, but you do have some kind of problem...to tell or not to tell?  that is the question.  sounds to me you had a moment of weakness intensified by the alcohal (alcohol), but not much seemed to have happened.  i, as a woman, would not want to know, because i would utterly destroy my 'friend;' b4 i was able to come to my senses.  but my husband couldn't keep a secret if the welfare of his penis depended on it, literally.  like you, the guilt would eat him up until he spilled the beans.  
the choice is yours alone, and it's a slippery slope.  she will be devastated to start, of course, it's what may come after that what matters.  will she leave and hate you, or will she come to terms with the fact that not all that much happened and the family is ultimately more important than the one incident.
good luck!
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Avatar_f_tn
I would want to know, tell her.

Get it out in the open and go to counseling with her.

Do you want an authentic marriage or a fake sham like most of them ?

I would say at the moment you are still thinking of yourself, what you have got to loose, tell your wife and let her make the choices.  You behaving like an irresponsible self centered person and you need to realize that. Grow up and get honest.
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Avatar_f_tn
If my husband ever cheated and i found out from someone else but him, right after the fact, i would most likely leave him. there are circumstances (in your case alcohol) that may weaken people but the fact that HE didnt admit to it shows that he cant be trusted because even without the effects of alcohol he still continued to hide something important and crucial to our marriage. things happen, understandable, however there is no reason to retain information. if she leaves you, its a consequence of your actions. However, keep in mind that you will still be able to see your daughter and your love for her should NEVER falter. learn from your mistakes, (if you tell her) go to marriage counseling and make sure she doesnt resent you for years to come because a hostel, unloving marriage is more damaging to a child than a divorce. My parents fought viciously for the first 11 years of my life and because of that i still need therapy but now i have a loving, truthful relationship with my Husband who i love sooo much. when we were dating he cheated briefly with a girl (also drunk and only oral) but he told me the next day, he came to a few sessions with me and my therapist and we moved passed it. we have 3 children and we've been married for 15 years. honesty is the best policy.
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Avatar_m_tn
Jay,

A truth that draws a tear, Or a lie that raises a smile.. That is your dilemma.

You need to think about the consequencies here. If you tell your wife you are going to cause her immense pain and suffering- and for what- like Vance said above, probably to unburden your own guilt! How unfair is that.

We all make mistakes and guilt is there to inhibit our behaviour if a next time occurs. Live with your guilt man. Learn from it. Don't hurt your wife.

I dont think its a Big deal anyway man! Chill!
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Avatar_f_tn
your guilt is going to haunt you, be honest and tell her, you don't want awkward or fke marriage, she will be crushed, but you can get through it, (if she is willing,) but you won't be able to live with yourself if you don't tell her
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Avatar_n_tn
(just coming out of a relationship of 81/2 yrs filled with lies and deception) Lies and guilt only lead to more deception! You need to come clean now and work even harder on your relationship, I wish my ex would have been more honest with me ! I can tell you, I loved him enough that I would have of worked even harder on us! But unfortunately one lie led to another and I am hurting now more than ever!  p.s. the woman you cheated with is NOT a friend of your wife!!
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