This forum is for questions and support regarding relationship issues such as: Abstinence, Arousal Problems, Birth Control, Cohabitation, Commitment, Communication, Couples Counseling, Desire /Lack of Desire, Sexual Technique.
To anyone reading,
I need help. I feel like the lowest form of life on the planet and I'm absolutely ashamed of myself. I cheated on my wife recently. I met up with a family friend who has been flirtatious in the past, and we ended up having sex. It lasted no more than 5 minutes out of me realizing what I was doing and made myself stop. I've been a wreck ever since. I can't believe what I've done. I've never done anything like this to anyone, ever. I don't know what came over me, my wife means the world to me and I can't stand the thought of seeing her in pain after I tell her what I've done.
Which is why I am leaning towards not telling her, it would destroy her and our marriage would be over.
I know what I did was beyond wrong, all I want is for things to be normal again, I can honestly say that I'll never do something like this again. I've been up every night sick to my stomach because of what I've done. Is not telling her given this instance the right thing to do? Would it be selfish to unload all this guilt on her?
The individual I cheated with is also a family friend and her reputation is at stake too. I've really screwed up here.
I've currently undergone testing for all STD's, out of paranoia and fear. I would tell her if I contracted something, I'm also checking myself in to therapy, as I've felt for a long time that something isn't right with me. Am I wrong for keeping all this from her? I know this might sound like BS to you, but all I want to do is fix things without hurting her, she's the best thing that's ever happened to me. So please believe me. Please.
OK. You can stop beating yourself now. You're not a horrible person. What you did isn't all that unusual, especially for people who are in any kind of deep psychic pain. You say you've felt that something "isn't right with me." That should give a clue that your behavior isn't' about your relationship with your wife, it's about something conflicted deep within you.
No one can tell you what to do. That's for you to figure out for yourself with the help of a skilled therapist. Please find someone with no agenda for "saving" your marriage. What I mean by that is find a therapist who is non-judgmental and will help you discover the origins of your actions. In this process, you can also begin to figure out whether it's a good idea for you to tell your wife. If you DO decide to tell her, be sure it's in a therapy session, where the clinician can help both of you.
It's important to be aware that the odds of her not ever finding out are slim, since there are so many variables, including any future contacts with your family friend. Here's a brief vignette for you: the Mayor of San Francisco had an affair with the wife of one of his staff members. They ended it, and he thought that was that. However, later, in therapy, she decided she needed to come clean to her husband, and, well, you get the picture. All hell broke loose. You have to consider that you have no control over this other person's actions, so if you don't eventually talk with your wife about this in therapy, it may explode at a future time. Plus you'll also be walking around with it in your consciousness, every day.
Everyone is different, so it's also possible that none of this will happen to you. I only mention it because you should be aware of all the possibilities.
So get yourself to a skilled therapist and begin the process. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
I know how you feel.However, you are not alone. Human beings, especially normal healthy males will be attracted to females. It happens in every part of the world. In my case, I was continuosly dishonest and thought as long as no one finds out or gets emotionally involved it's okay. It wasn't okay and as a result, I had to tell the girlfriend that bought the house with me and the mistress etc. It has caused emotional and financial problems like you wouldn't believe. If you feel you must see a therapist, do it. No one is judging you. Look, it happened to Bill Clinton and Tiger Woods. Dishonesty is never excusable or right but it happens. Re examine your relationship with your wife/girlfriend as well as your motives, seek help and then decide what is best for you. Good Luck.
I agree with both of the previous comments. Me as a wife I feel you have to tell her some kind of way but know and realize what you will more than likely be in for. Theres no telling hoe long it will take her to forgive you for this silly act of "GREED". I say it takes a More of Man to admit and come clean to his faults to his wife than one who tries to hide it and act as a little boy trying to hide something from his parents. You are both mature adults. One of the biggest fears of this wasnt just catching something but it could be future harm where someone else catches wind of this and it gets around and then your wife is the last to find out AND SHE FINDS OUT FROM SOMEONE ELSE. I know I would feel a little better to get that kind of info from my husband than someone on the outside. It just makes it worse to me. I dont know where or how shed be more calm to receive this news but thats something you have to worry about now. My husband gets upset when I tell him why I couldnt or wouldnt cheat, its b/c I have too much to loose and for what a piece of A--? It could even be better than my husbands sex, it could be a weekend of endless better sex or even a week of good sex! But after that week, weekend, couple of hours or couple of minutes then what? Is that worth risking the relationship trust and love Ive built (and it wasnt ALL easy) with my husband? Heck No!!! I kinda of see it as disrespect also. Disrespect not only from you to your wife but its disrespect you allowed some female from the outside of marriage to put on yourself and your wife. How? That woman knew you were married I assume right? She took it on as challenge to see if her powers were good enough to make you cross that line and now she able to think to herself" Yeh, I had him therefore, his wife must not be as good as me sexually or now when she sees your wife she can now be thinking of how stupid your wife is or how she could get you again if she really wanted you. Im not kidding James us women do think like that too. I really hope you can work this out with your wife but I know its going to be a long walk.
cheating doesnt make you the most horrible person in the world but i do ask you this how or what did happen that made you believe that it was ok for even the first five mins. i only ask because i have been on the verge of it myself and know the pain you feel for even thinking of it. i couldnt imagine doing it but if i had i would probably feel the same way. you wife deserves to know you had an indescression and we all make mistakes, nobody is perfect. i think it didnt happen because you dont love your wife but i would bet that something is going on that you cant put your finger on and i would say that maybe you thought youd find it in her. and yes women do say wow i was good enough to have him once i bet i could do it again and w her being a family friend its going to be rough to just stop seeing her. good luck just be respectful with your wife when you tell her and it may turn out ok but give her the time and space to forgive and dont hound her. you will most definately have to earn her trust back and be aware that may take a really long time.
Ive been where you are right now and i will say what the doc told you about the other person sayn something happen to me. But its ur decision. I know talking to my Clergy helped alot. So if your religous you may seek some council there also. You just made a bad choice, talk to soe professionals ,pray and just love your wife. Don't stress out.
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