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I don't feel anything sexually
I just got married and I am worried I could lose my husband because I don't feel anything sexually at all. I have been this way all my life. When I went through puberty, I didn't experience sexual feelings or any desire. When my husband touches me, I don't get aroused. Plus, I don't feel anything when I touch my private areas like the clitoris or my breasts. I don't understand what the problem is. Why don't I feel? I'm so scared I won't be able to have a child. It was easy for me to be a virgin because I didn't respond sexually at all. What should I do? I went to the gynecologist and she said I am normally physically, but if that is the case, why don't I feel anything sexually?
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
Hi Cindy.
First, you're not alone. And second, "feeling nothing" can mean many things--most of them emotional/psychological. There are many reasons why you may have shut down your desire and feelings about sex. Here are some of the most common:
Sexual desire is a very tenuous thing: it can come and go many times—and the more you worry about it, the worse you’ll feel. Remember that anxiety is the enemy of desire. So first, give yourself permission to feel just the way you do.
There! Feel a little better? Now you need to decide on your second step.
Let’s look at some possibilities regarding your lack of desire and arousal with your husband. One possibility is that your husband doesn't turn you on. It may be helpful for you to take an inventory of characteristics that you find attractive or interesting. Does he have any of those qualities, or are you feeling like you SHOULD be turned on regardless? Maybe his touch isn't compatible with your needs. You’re not going to get pizza by hanging out at a steak restaurant.
Are you anxious? If you’re feeling anxious or unsure of yourself, your desire for sex will be affected. Or you may have conflicting feelings about being sexual, based on earlier issues in your life. Or you may actually FEEL desire, but suppress it, due to feeling conflicted.
There could be other reasons you’re not turned on: If you’re worried about pleasing your partner, rather than just enjoying the pleasure of it, this can be a turn-off. The other message that many of us receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure.
And, of course, there’s the whole issue of your husband’s attitudes and behaviors and whether any of those are affecting your desire. Is sex mostly about HIS pleasure rather than yours?
Aside from the issues above, the other reason you’re not turned on and you feel nothing is obvious: You’re not having orgasms. The clitoris’ nature and structure has been misunderstood for so long that it’s not surprising that there’s so much confusion.
A major difference between women and men is that generally, the clitoris needs constant direct or indirect stimulation, unlike the penis. For most women, orgasm results from a constant circular motion around the shaft and glans (or head) of the clitoris. Also important is that once a woman’s orgasm begins, if the stimulation is removed, the orgasm will end. In contrast, once men have that first orgasmic contraction, not even a neutron bomb will stop their orgasm!
While many women enjoy p-v sex, for at least 40-50% of them, it usually doesn’t result in orgasm. Why? Because most p-v sex doesn’t provide the steady pressure and reliable stimulation women need for orgasm. During p-v sex, most men use an “in-out” motion that feels great for them, instead of the circular grinding motion that will stimulate the clitoris. So how about trading off once in awhile? Him first; then you—or vice-versa?
Let's also remember that orgasm lasts, what? About 10 seconds? It's important to keep this in perspective. Sex is about a lot more than just orgasm. It's about pleasure, and sharing, and dressing up in sexy clothes, and... Sorry. I got carried away there :)
Of course, once you put pressure on yourself to orgasm, it can become a duty rather than a pleasure. Some people become so orgasm-focused that sex becomes downright predictable, especially in long-term relationships.
So, to recap: you may have negative attitudes about sex in general, or you may have performance issues or be bored or frustrated. Think about the issues I’ve raised and see if any are true for you. Remember not to put pressure on yourself. I’m wondering what YOU think is contributing to this and whether you’ve taken any actions to try to change it. You’ve probably got more insight than you realize. A first step in figuring out what’s going on for you is contained in the book, “For Yourself” by Lonnie Barbach, Ph.D., widely available used and in paperback. This book contains lots of helpful information for women about their sexual feelings. I think it can help you begin to sort things out. If you need further help, please see a therapist who is trained to help people with sexual concerns. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
First, you're not alone. And second, "feeling nothing" can mean many things--most of them emotional/psychological. There are many reasons why you may have shut down your desire and feelings about sex. Here are some of the most common:
Sexual desire is a very tenuous thing: it can come and go many times—and the more you worry about it, the worse you’ll feel. Remember that anxiety is the enemy of desire. So first, give yourself permission to feel just the way you do.
There! Feel a little better? Now you need to decide on your second step.
Let’s look at some possibilities regarding your lack of desire and arousal with your husband. One possibility is that your husband doesn't turn you on. It may be helpful for you to take an inventory of characteristics that you find attractive or interesting. Does he have any of those qualities, or are you feeling like you SHOULD be turned on regardless? Maybe his touch isn't compatible with your needs. You’re not going to get pizza by hanging out at a steak restaurant.
Are you anxious? If you’re feeling anxious or unsure of yourself, your desire for sex will be affected. Or you may have conflicting feelings about being sexual, based on earlier issues in your life. Or you may actually FEEL desire, but suppress it, due to feeling conflicted.
There could be other reasons you’re not turned on: If you’re worried about pleasing your partner, rather than just enjoying the pleasure of it, this can be a turn-off. The other message that many of us receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure.
And, of course, there’s the whole issue of your husband’s attitudes and behaviors and whether any of those are affecting your desire. Is sex mostly about HIS pleasure rather than yours?
Aside from the issues above, the other reason you’re not turned on and you feel nothing is obvious: You’re not having orgasms. The clitoris’ nature and structure has been misunderstood for so long that it’s not surprising that there’s so much confusion.
A major difference between women and men is that generally, the clitoris needs constant direct or indirect stimulation, unlike the penis. For most women, orgasm results from a constant circular motion around the shaft and glans (or head) of the clitoris. Also important is that once a woman’s orgasm begins, if the stimulation is removed, the orgasm will end. In contrast, once men have that first orgasmic contraction, not even a neutron bomb will stop their orgasm!
While many women enjoy p-v sex, for at least 40-50% of them, it usually doesn’t result in orgasm. Why? Because most p-v sex doesn’t provide the steady pressure and reliable stimulation women need for orgasm. During p-v sex, most men use an “in-out” motion that feels great for them, instead of the circular grinding motion that will stimulate the clitoris. So how about trading off once in awhile? Him first; then you—or vice-versa?
Let's also remember that orgasm lasts, what? About 10 seconds? It's important to keep this in perspective. Sex is about a lot more than just orgasm. It's about pleasure, and sharing, and dressing up in sexy clothes, and... Sorry. I got carried away there :)
Of course, once you put pressure on yourself to orgasm, it can become a duty rather than a pleasure. Some people become so orgasm-focused that sex becomes downright predictable, especially in long-term relationships.
So, to recap: you may have negative attitudes about sex in general, or you may have performance issues or be bored or frustrated. Think about the issues I’ve raised and see if any are true for you. Remember not to put pressure on yourself. I’m wondering what YOU think is contributing to this and whether you’ve taken any actions to try to change it. You’ve probably got more insight than you realize. A first step in figuring out what’s going on for you is contained in the book, “For Yourself” by Lonnie Barbach, Ph.D., widely available used and in paperback. This book contains lots of helpful information for women about their sexual feelings. I think it can help you begin to sort things out. If you need further help, please see a therapist who is trained to help people with sexual concerns. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
Not an expert, im in a similar marriage and I find that my wife has some of the same emotions. She is seldom wanting to have sex and she has yet to discover why! I have had a really hard time with this being that my cravings are on the other side of the spectrum! The first 10 yrs were very hard but knowing now that I don't have the problem! I better deal with this issue buy not pushing the topic.
We are an older couple and I think we are able to deal with stuff a little better then most younger couples. Just know that if you both can't compromise for one another then your relationship might be in jeopardy . Good luck with this issue and just note that you are not alone!
We are an older couple and I think we are able to deal with stuff a little better then most younger couples. Just know that if you both can't compromise for one another then your relationship might be in jeopardy . Good luck with this issue and just note that you are not alone!
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