This forum is for questions and support regarding relationship issues such as: Abstinence, Arousal Problems, Birth Control, Cohabitation, Commitment, Communication, Couples Counseling, Desire /Lack of Desire, Sexual Technique.
Let me ask you something: suppose your wife came to you and said "I hate my face, and I want a new one." You'd probably tell her that she looks great and that after spending tons of money on plastic surgery, how can she be sure she'd like the results? You might also then tell her that the problem isn't her face; it's how she FEELS about it.
So having said that, let's move on to your feelings about your penis.
It sounds like you’ve bought into the myth that you have to have a larger-than-life penis in order to have great sex. In fact, nothing could be further from the truth.
Our society does a terrible disservice to men by raising them to think that their penis has to be 10 inches long, hard as a rock and last all night. It’s no wonder that many men feel insecure about their penis. Locker room etiquette dictates no staring, so most straight men have only glimpsed other penis sizes and shapes in commercial sex videos, which generally feature men with large penises. If you think everyone else looks like a male porn star, of course you’re going to feel inadequate!
Another contributing factor to this attitude is that while most men see their penises several times a day during urination, they’re usually staring down at their penis, creating a visual distortion that actually makes it appear smaller than it really is.
Like noses, penises all have the same basic shape, with some variation. Let’s consider a few basic facts. For instance, did you know that you can’t tell the size of a man’s erect penis based simply on what it looks like when flaccid (un-erect)? Most penises erect to between 4 and 6 inches, and there’s not much variation in erection size (with exceptions, of course). However, when flaccid, there is much more variation. Some men’s penises are 1 inch when flaccid (we’ll call these growers), and others are 5 inches (we’ll call these show-ers). BUT: during erection, the 1-inch penis may grow to the same 6-inch erect size as the 5-incher. That’s right; despite their differences when flaccid, they’ll both erect to approximately the same size. Why don’t most of us realize this? Because most of us just don’t get the opportunity to see men when they’re flaccid and then erect. And did I mention shrinkage? When men are cold or nervous, the penis and testicles pull up into the body for protection (“I’m hiding!”). If you see a penis right after it’s been in a cold swimming pool, I guarantee it will not resemble its erect self in any way!
Wouldn’t It Be Great If I Could Just Take a Pill…
“If it sounds too good to be true, it usually is.” That’s what my grandmother taught me when I was a little girl. Those so-called herbal supplements for “male enhancement” (whatever THAT is) include this disclaimer on the bottle: “The products and the claims made about specific products on or through this site have not been evaluated by … or the United States Food and Drug Administration.” In other words, THEY’VE NEVER BEEN PROVEN TO WORK (not ever).
As far as I know, there is no product that can make your penis harder, bigger, stronger, last longer or taste like chocolate. And yes, some who have taken them have reported side effects (anyone up for a little rash—or perhaps some itching and burning?).
Rather than depending on a pill, why not examine what’s going on for you? Do you have expectations about sex that include some standard of “performance” that you feel you’re not meeting? If so, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment.
Just as some women seem to associate having big breasts with being “sexy,” many men spend their lives wishing they had the allegedly perfect porn star penis, and this notion can affect their sexual enjoyment. Certainly, penises are important to sex (perhaps you’ve heard), but great sex really does involve your whole body. In fact, having great, mutually satisfying sex is usually quite the opposite of what you see in those performance-oriented sex videos. Keep in mind that thinking about your performance can be the enemy of enjoying the actual pleasure, letting go and having fun.
Here’s a thought: why not relax, value your penis for the size and shape it is, and be thoughtful about its care and handling. If you do, it will serve you well your whole life. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
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