This forum is for questions and support regarding relationship issues such as: Abstinence, Arousal Problems, Birth Control, Cohabitation, Commitment, Communication, Couples Counseling, Desire /Lack of Desire, Sexual Technique.
My husband & I have been married since a year now and we've been trying to have sex but it just doesn't seem possible.He tries to thrust it in but is not able to as it slides down even while erect.We have even consulted a counselor.Please advise us.
I'm sorry, but I'm not really sure what you mean when you say "he tries to thrust it in but is not able to as it slides down even while erect." Slides down what and where? Do you mean when he's erect, his penis can't go inside your vagina? Do you experience pain or fear when this is happening? Are you tensing up your muscles so that he can't enter?
There are so many reasons why this could be happening, that I can't even begin to speculate, especially not without hearing from your husband as well.
It's possible that something may be preventing you from allowing yourself to let go. Or that he may have some discomfort with sex. Men receive so many messages that sex is about “performance” and pleasing a partner, rather than just enjoying the pleasure of it. Everything is goal-oriented—like a football game. High-achieving or very anxious men may have a particularly difficult time of letting go of a goal and just enjoying themselves. The other message that many men—and women—receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure. This is more common among people who have been raised in a strict, pleasure-negative religious or philosophical orthodoxy.
It may be helpful for the two of you to consider the following questions: What are you thinking about during sex? What are the conditions like when you’re being sexual? Do you have enough privacy? Are you both relaxed and happy? If not, these can contribute to your discomfort.
There are various other possible psychological/emotional factors too numerous to detail here. These include fear of intimacy, fear of sex or negative feelings about it, unresolved anger, feeling conflicted about marriage, etc.
Either of you may have negative attitudes about sex in general, he may have performance issues or conflicts about marriage or women in general. Something is getting in the way of your pleasure, and you’ll need to do some serious thinking to figure out what it is.
In any new relationship, it takes time to relax with each other and learn about your body and its responses. But anything worthwhile takes a little time and practice, no? If you talk with each other and agree to slow down and learn about each others’ bodies and responses, together, you two can discover just what it is that arouses you. You have a chance to take a wonderful journey of discovery with each other which can not only be educational but lots of fun. If you find you need further help, please find a counselor who is trained and skilled in helping people with sexual concerns. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
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