Insecure help

[kitty_58]

I've been with my boyfriend for 2years now. I love him very much, he loves me the same amount. (he tells e alot) The thing is, i've became very insecure. I recently found out he lied to me about an ex.
He added this girl on myspace who was just a 'friend' & she left him a comment that sounded more than just friendly. So i pulled him up about it & he said were just friends. i was like really? doesn't sound like it. he got really mad. this was in july.
Dec, i found out that this girl was his ex after all, but not from him. from her. she got in contact with me & told me.
I felt so sick & betrayed. it destroyed me.

When we first got together, i asked him if she has slept with anyone & he went all funny on me & turned away & wouldn't speak to me.
after i found out about his ex. i found out he has slept with 3 girls. & i'm his 4th. He's my first. I wish he would of been my first. He said he regrets it all & if he knew he was gonna be with me, he would of waited. ( but i think he's just saying that)

Anyway, after i found out about he lied to me, i've been so insecure since, we have talked, worked on things. But still, i feel insecure. Everytime a girl who i think is pretty, i look at his eyes to see if he looks. & half of the time he does look. & then i feel so horrible, cause all sorts go on in my head. thinking that he likes her & so on.
Even when you get them add's on the side of naked girls. Or naked girls, or just pretty looking girls in mags or on tv.
I feel like he's always looking at them. I've just became so insecure & jealous about girls. I don't like the idea of him looking at girls. & i'll always question things about his girl mates.
I really don't want to be like this, it's destroying me. i never use to be like this, i was totally fine. I just use to think wow, i love him. i don't care.

It's got to the point now were it's effecting him as well as me. He's constantly moaning at me. (telling me how silly i am, why do i think these things & all that)
All these throughts will come into my head & i can't seem to get them away.
He tells me he's not attracted to anyone but me. He doesn't look at anyone, doesn't think anyone else is pretty or nice looking. but that's not true.  I mean, people will have crushes on people out of bands & so on. i just don't believe him.

I've became very distant to him. I don't tell him things that go on in my head.
Cause when i try talk to him, he constantly just has a go. saying about I'm so insecure & he doesn't need it.
i tell him i can't help it. i dunno what to do.
Help me please?
i can't take this.

[Janice M Epp, PhD]

Hi Kitty:

I don’t know what it means that your boyfriend may or may not look at others, but I DO know that it sounds like you’re obsessing about it, and it’s definitely getting in the way of your happiness.

Here are some possibilities as well as questions that might be helpful for you to ask yourself:

Do you have something to be jealous about? Could it be because he hasn’t been truthful with you? Or maybe because you don't trust your own lovability? You’re 19 and just beginning adult relationships. Realize that relationships aren’t perfect—and often people do things in order to avoid confrontation or because they don’t have communication skills and so they’re afraid to bring up the past. That may be the case with your boyfriend. It might help if you can accept the fact that you both might have secrets from each other.

I wonder why you’re so worried. Could it be because of your own insecurities or could it be because you don’t trust that your boyfriend truly cares for you? It sounds like you need a shot of confidence in your own self and your attractiveness. Do you trust that you're lovable, or are you looking for the relationship to make you feel good about yourself? No relationship can do this; only you can.

Or perhaps he really ISN’T trustworthy and you realize it on some level? Maybe the relationship isn't that solid. Lots of relationships are “learning experiences” that don't last but are nevertheless fun and/or important in your life. This might be something for you to consider.

It might also be helpful for you to examine your ideas of “ownership” in your relationship and whether you feel that it’s somehow disloyal for him to look at anyone else. What about you? Do you enjoy looking at other men? Can you appreciate someone's attractiveness, and is your looking at someone else being disloyal to your partner? Of course not. You look, you keep it in perspective, and then you move on. Maybe you feel your partner DOESN'T keep it in perspective and that he really wants to be with others?

Please know that these are all issues that most of us have struggled with at some point in our lives, so you’re not alone. Good luck to you. Dr. J

[LeDr]

whatisay pretty much gave a good response and summed everything up. But to add a few things and reiterate some things..
I can identify with how you feel. It's not crazy that you feel that way, many women do. It's more a matter of being secure with yourself first and only then can you really deal with it. I came to terms long ago that "Okay, I may be good looking, but I am not the most beautiful person out there." So when he looks at another girl, yeah, he is probably noticing she's attractive..but is he just staring at her like you don't exist? Probably not.
Trust can make or break a relationship. Withholding information is about the same as lying. Him not so willing to be upfront about how many sexual partners he's had is very disrespectful to you. If he knows he's your first, it should be your right to choose what type of person(virgin or not) you sleep with. Him griping about you complaining is ridiculous, what does he expect? If he's been lying to you about various things, he can't honestly expect you to not be paranoid and insecure. It sounds like he doesn't appreciate you at all. I would personally dump him, but it's your relationship and your decision.

[jml1986]

By being jealous, you are giving your power away. You have to decide if you want someone to have that much of your power. I for one don't know anyone out there that I would let have that much control over me.

[whatisay]

First, you need to have a short chat with him about trust.  Tell him that it is important that you trust him.  Tel him that he can tell you things that he might be embarrassed about, like an ex- and the number of women he had sex with- but if he is open before you find out it will build the truat and you do the same for him.

Now, you need to know that men look at women.  Period end of story.  If does not mean he does not love you.  He is with you for all of you not just looks.  The next time you see a hot woman say, wow she is pretty.  He may say not as pretty as you, but  you can always say, she may be pretty, but she is not me.  Let him know it is okay to look at a pretty woman, but that what you have with him is better than anything he could imagine.  This allows you to feel good about yourself and lets him look and still be with you.