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Lack of desire after a month of separation
I've had a healthy relationship with my girlfriend for a year and a half, and we've been sexually active since the early into dating. We are both in our early 20's. She recently went out of state to visit her family for a month, and when she returned she no longer had any sexual desire what so ever. I'm quite worried because this sort of thing has never happened before without a reason. She does not know why there is a sudden loss of desire, and we had a long talk about it but can't seem to figure it out. If I kiss her even on the neck, she will pull back or wince. I first thought it could be something that happened during her family visit, but she says nothing happened and I believe her, so I'd like to figure out other possibilities. She explained that it's not a fear of intimacy, but more like an automatic reaction she can't control or understand.
She has tried to masturbate on her own, but wasn't able to. We thought it would pass over time, but it's been a week and still no improvement. We're considering seeing a sex therapist, but I would like some advice first. Is this a common occurance? Is there anything we can do to fix it ourselves?
She has tried to masturbate on her own, but wasn't able to. We thought it would pass over time, but it's been a week and still no improvement. We're considering seeing a sex therapist, but I would like some advice first. Is this a common occurance? Is there anything we can do to fix it ourselves?
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
Hi.
I've sent you a private message with a referral to a clinical sexologist in your area. Good luck! Dr. J
I've sent you a private message with a referral to a clinical sexologist in your area. Good luck! Dr. J
Thank you doctor,
We've still been having trouble since the last time I posted, and even broke up once but we decided to keep trying for eachothers sake. Though we addressed some flaws in our relationship and are working to solve it, we still can't seem to get over the sexual problems. We are willing to go get counciling, but don't know where to start. We've never done counciling or sex therapy before, and it's quite intimidating. Is there a directory or someone you can recommend for the 92708 zip code area?
We've still been having trouble since the last time I posted, and even broke up once but we decided to keep trying for eachothers sake. Though we addressed some flaws in our relationship and are working to solve it, we still can't seem to get over the sexual problems. We are willing to go get counciling, but don't know where to start. We've never done counciling or sex therapy before, and it's quite intimidating. Is there a directory or someone you can recommend for the 92708 zip code area?
I am going through this with my boyfriend of two years as we speak. I have never been unfaithful to him (before anyone tries to say that, like the post after the docter's), I still find him attractive, he has never hurt me in anyway and this is our biggest issue (besides finances).
My sexual desire went down after we had our son in Jan' 09. I was diagnosed with post-partum depression and took the medication for a while but recently decided I didn't want a pill controlling my mood. I have four children total as it is, have gotten pregnant on birth control twice, can't stand condoms but am terrified of becoming pregnant (which i'm stressing on now... a positive test then a negative w/ pain and bleeding and today another positive.. all in less than a week). I can't figured out what my deal is! Last month there was a huge improvement (please don't laugh) and we had sex 6 days out of the month... but Sept it was twice and this month has been the same. My boyfriend is frustrated and has hinted at ideas of me being unfaithful. He thinks there is something wrong with him... but there's nothing wrong with him. He's attractive, more respectful and loving than any other man I have been in a relationship with, and I am deeply in love with him. The problem is me, and I can't figure out why I have lost my desire. Please give me some advice!
My sexual desire went down after we had our son in Jan' 09. I was diagnosed with post-partum depression and took the medication for a while but recently decided I didn't want a pill controlling my mood. I have four children total as it is, have gotten pregnant on birth control twice, can't stand condoms but am terrified of becoming pregnant (which i'm stressing on now... a positive test then a negative w/ pain and bleeding and today another positive.. all in less than a week). I can't figured out what my deal is! Last month there was a huge improvement (please don't laugh) and we had sex 6 days out of the month... but Sept it was twice and this month has been the same. My boyfriend is frustrated and has hinted at ideas of me being unfaithful. He thinks there is something wrong with him... but there's nothing wrong with him. He's attractive, more respectful and loving than any other man I have been in a relationship with, and I am deeply in love with him. The problem is me, and I can't figure out why I have lost my desire. Please give me some advice!
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
I'm very pleased for both of you that you were able to get to the bottom of this--through honest communication. Hopefully, others will be inspired by your experience. So many people are afraid to talk about their issues, and they just fester until they explode.
But don't feel like you have to do it all on your own. People sometimes feel that they "should" be able to fix everything, even when it's beyond their skill. As you say, if this issue is still unresolved, you may need some expert help. This is nothing to be ashamed of; counseling has helped millions. After all, if you had a brain tumor, you wouldn't expect to go it alone would you? Dr. J
But don't feel like you have to do it all on your own. People sometimes feel that they "should" be able to fix everything, even when it's beyond their skill. As you say, if this issue is still unresolved, you may need some expert help. This is nothing to be ashamed of; counseling has helped millions. After all, if you had a brain tumor, you wouldn't expect to go it alone would you? Dr. J
Sorry it's taken so long to reply, we've been pretty busy.
To start, we've had sex about 3 times since the last time I posted. She didn't seem very comfortable at first - scared even, but she seemed to get more comfortable every time. However, she still didn't want to deep kiss or anything outside of sex.
Today we found out the reason this was all happening. I should start by explaining something I'm not proud of in the least. About 15 months ago I cheated on my girlfriend with a girl I've known for a long time, a girl who I had strong feelings about but I wasn't sure if it was love. Afterwards I was left feeling guilty and ashamed, and the act hurt me and girlfriend more than I could have imagined. We were able to get over it after a long time, or so I thought.
While my gf was out of the country, she had the subconscious thought that I could do it again. She trusted me, she wanted to trust me but there was a part of her that couldn't forget what happened in the past. We had a serious talk about it today, that ended with us almost breaking up but we decided we still loved each other and wanted to keep trying to make things better.
I think it's something that will be healed with time, but it may come up again later like it did when she went on vacation. I'm starting to wonder if this is out of our control and we need counciling, but I don't want to think so.
Also, thanks to everyone for the replies.
To start, we've had sex about 3 times since the last time I posted. She didn't seem very comfortable at first - scared even, but she seemed to get more comfortable every time. However, she still didn't want to deep kiss or anything outside of sex.
Today we found out the reason this was all happening. I should start by explaining something I'm not proud of in the least. About 15 months ago I cheated on my girlfriend with a girl I've known for a long time, a girl who I had strong feelings about but I wasn't sure if it was love. Afterwards I was left feeling guilty and ashamed, and the act hurt me and girlfriend more than I could have imagined. We were able to get over it after a long time, or so I thought.
While my gf was out of the country, she had the subconscious thought that I could do it again. She trusted me, she wanted to trust me but there was a part of her that couldn't forget what happened in the past. We had a serious talk about it today, that ended with us almost breaking up but we decided we still loved each other and wanted to keep trying to make things better.
I think it's something that will be healed with time, but it may come up again later like it did when she went on vacation. I'm starting to wonder if this is out of our control and we need counciling, but I don't want to think so.
Also, thanks to everyone for the replies.
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
Hi there.
This is a toughie. The truth is, no one can tell you what's going on with your girlfriend without speaking to her in detail. There are so many possibilities--more than we have space for here. Something is up. She may be unable or unwilling to tell you what's going on, in which case, you may need to be patient and wait until she's ready.
A less common possibility is something physical. There are a myriad of physiological changes that can affect sexual desire/interest/capability. If she's interested, she could ask her gynecologist for some recommendations, including lab tests for hormone levels, brain scan, etc.
Here are some of the more common contributors to loss of desire. I suggest she read this list and see if anything resonates with her:
Past traumas can affect our sexual expression. Sometimes, they lurk in the subconscious and are only acitivated by some current situation, at which time, they have lots of power to interrupt desire.
Of course, there are also many other factors that can influence someone’s level of sexual interest or desire. There may be other issues in her life that contribute to her current feelings. Is she content with herself, with her life, with your relationship? Are there, or have there been any family or work crises? And what about you? Has your appearance changed dramatically? Are you doing something (anything) that might be pushing her away?
If she’s interested in sex, but feels no desire to actually be sexual with you, perhaps she’s not being aroused by what the two of you are doing. And just to complicate matters further, sometimes we go through periods where our desires may take a break, and this has nothing to do with our partner or any conflicts, but merely our all-too-human biological and/or emotional ups and downs.
Is she feeling anxious? Anxiety is the enemy of good sex. If she feels anxious or unsure of herself, her desire will be affected. Or she may have conflicting feelings about being sexual, based on earlier issues in her life. Or she may actually FEEL desire, but suppress it, due to feeling conflicted. Are you aware of any reasons she may have for avoiding sex? She may have some conflicts, either about sex in general or about sex within the context of your relationship. Either of these can contribute to the possibility that she’s not turned on to you currently.
Another message that many women receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure. Some women are very affected by cultural or family messages that unmarried women who have sex are somehow “dirty” or “evil.”
So, let’s recap: She may have some underlying physiological issues, she may have unresolved attitudes about sex in general, she may be bored, she may be frustrated—or it may be something else entirely.
The next step is to talk with your partner regarding how the two of you can make this work for the both of you. I strongly suggest the two of you try talking to each other—rather than arguing with each other—as your first and possibly most productive step. The most helpful attitude is “what can we do TOGETHER to make this work for both of us?” Remember to share only your feelings; don’t attack or accuse. This process involves problem-solving as a team. You might ask her to share whether there’s anything she might like you to do that would increase her desire. Certain clothing, activities, or…? If you put your heads together, you might be able to work out a creative solution. For instance, there are lots of ways to be sexual and intimate that don’t involve p-v sex. If your partner’s sexual energy is low when you want sex, how about asking her to hold and stroke you while you self-pleasure? My guess is that once you two get comfortable, she’ll find that it’s not only intimate, but fun too. If this isn’t an option you care to pursue, are there other things the two of you can do that will satisfy your desire more often? Think of this as a fun way to get to know each other better, and it won’t seem so daunting.
When is she at her most relaxed? Perhaps Saturday evenings when she’s had a chance to unwind? And would she like to try some new things? Maybe have you dress her up? The possibilities are endless, so get going. You can still have yummy sex for the rest of your life; you’ll just need to invest in a little communication and creativity.
If none of the above resonate or work for you, it’s time to get help so that the both of you can talk about your separate and joint issues. A trained clinical sexologist can guide you through the process of discussing these issues with each other in a safe environment.
Send me a private email message regarding your locale, and I'll refer you to someone local who is skilled in this area. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
This is a toughie. The truth is, no one can tell you what's going on with your girlfriend without speaking to her in detail. There are so many possibilities--more than we have space for here. Something is up. She may be unable or unwilling to tell you what's going on, in which case, you may need to be patient and wait until she's ready.
A less common possibility is something physical. There are a myriad of physiological changes that can affect sexual desire/interest/capability. If she's interested, she could ask her gynecologist for some recommendations, including lab tests for hormone levels, brain scan, etc.
Here are some of the more common contributors to loss of desire. I suggest she read this list and see if anything resonates with her:
Past traumas can affect our sexual expression. Sometimes, they lurk in the subconscious and are only acitivated by some current situation, at which time, they have lots of power to interrupt desire.
Of course, there are also many other factors that can influence someone’s level of sexual interest or desire. There may be other issues in her life that contribute to her current feelings. Is she content with herself, with her life, with your relationship? Are there, or have there been any family or work crises? And what about you? Has your appearance changed dramatically? Are you doing something (anything) that might be pushing her away?
If she’s interested in sex, but feels no desire to actually be sexual with you, perhaps she’s not being aroused by what the two of you are doing. And just to complicate matters further, sometimes we go through periods where our desires may take a break, and this has nothing to do with our partner or any conflicts, but merely our all-too-human biological and/or emotional ups and downs.
Is she feeling anxious? Anxiety is the enemy of good sex. If she feels anxious or unsure of herself, her desire will be affected. Or she may have conflicting feelings about being sexual, based on earlier issues in her life. Or she may actually FEEL desire, but suppress it, due to feeling conflicted. Are you aware of any reasons she may have for avoiding sex? She may have some conflicts, either about sex in general or about sex within the context of your relationship. Either of these can contribute to the possibility that she’s not turned on to you currently.
Another message that many women receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure. Some women are very affected by cultural or family messages that unmarried women who have sex are somehow “dirty” or “evil.”
So, let’s recap: She may have some underlying physiological issues, she may have unresolved attitudes about sex in general, she may be bored, she may be frustrated—or it may be something else entirely.
The next step is to talk with your partner regarding how the two of you can make this work for the both of you. I strongly suggest the two of you try talking to each other—rather than arguing with each other—as your first and possibly most productive step. The most helpful attitude is “what can we do TOGETHER to make this work for both of us?” Remember to share only your feelings; don’t attack or accuse. This process involves problem-solving as a team. You might ask her to share whether there’s anything she might like you to do that would increase her desire. Certain clothing, activities, or…? If you put your heads together, you might be able to work out a creative solution. For instance, there are lots of ways to be sexual and intimate that don’t involve p-v sex. If your partner’s sexual energy is low when you want sex, how about asking her to hold and stroke you while you self-pleasure? My guess is that once you two get comfortable, she’ll find that it’s not only intimate, but fun too. If this isn’t an option you care to pursue, are there other things the two of you can do that will satisfy your desire more often? Think of this as a fun way to get to know each other better, and it won’t seem so daunting.
When is she at her most relaxed? Perhaps Saturday evenings when she’s had a chance to unwind? And would she like to try some new things? Maybe have you dress her up? The possibilities are endless, so get going. You can still have yummy sex for the rest of your life; you’ll just need to invest in a little communication and creativity.
If none of the above resonate or work for you, it’s time to get help so that the both of you can talk about your separate and joint issues. A trained clinical sexologist can guide you through the process of discussing these issues with each other in a safe environment.
Send me a private email message regarding your locale, and I'll refer you to someone local who is skilled in this area. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
hi
no one will realy now but ur gf.. plz do remember that if a women have any kind of stress her sex drive is next to nothing.. so find out if something is bothering her or just try talking to her mabe she will open up..
U knw her better than anyone so u will soon pick up if there is something or someone she dont want u to find out about.
From what u said..somehow i think there is something u sould knw the truth will somehow find its way to u!
Dont put any more stress on u or ur gf, time will soon tell.
Dont give up hope just yet!!
everything is gonne be ok!
no one will realy now but ur gf.. plz do remember that if a women have any kind of stress her sex drive is next to nothing.. so find out if something is bothering her or just try talking to her mabe she will open up..
U knw her better than anyone so u will soon pick up if there is something or someone she dont want u to find out about.
From what u said..somehow i think there is something u sould knw the truth will somehow find its way to u!
Dont put any more stress on u or ur gf, time will soon tell.
Dont give up hope just yet!!
everything is gonne be ok!
If I were you, I would suppose something probably happened during her visit to her family. Especially if anyone of her family members tried to "re-programme" her mind or to manipulate her into something which can be in contrast with your relationship or with sex in general, e.g. if she had been influenced by some religious or "anti-sex" upringing in her childhood and adolescence, now all these anti-sexual attitudes could have been re-activated...
Have you observed any other similar "changes" in her reactions after separation or after some family visits (if there were any in the past)?
I guess this reaction is not very common after separation, probably you will see more clearly into it soon if you have some open discussions again.
Could just her feelings change during the visit so dramatically? I experienced something similar only when the girl spent some time in environment (family, friends...) where people tried to manipulate her into leaving me.
I wish you the best of luck and a soon recovery of intimacy in your relationship.
Have a nice day,
severin76
Have you observed any other similar "changes" in her reactions after separation or after some family visits (if there were any in the past)?
I guess this reaction is not very common after separation, probably you will see more clearly into it soon if you have some open discussions again.
Could just her feelings change during the visit so dramatically? I experienced something similar only when the girl spent some time in environment (family, friends...) where people tried to manipulate her into leaving me.
I wish you the best of luck and a soon recovery of intimacy in your relationship.
Have a nice day,
severin76
Also, in case someone wonders why she's not posting here, I talked to her as I typed it out and she knows about this post.
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