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Loneliness and Infidelity
Hi there,
I'm nearly 30, in a relationship for the last three years. We live together and are pretty much happy together. But for as long as I can remember we have had problems with physical intimacy. I don’t just mean sex, I mean intensity of contact. I have very pressing physical needs, and the fact that my partner, who fulfils me in every other way, just doesn’t seem to need me the same way I need her. And even though we’ve spoken about it again and again, nothing ever changes. And on top of all this, I have a serious drinking problem. Lately I’ve been staying out all night, not wanting to go home. And on Friday it all came to a head, when I met another woman in a bar, and we hooked up. We kissed all night and I then performed oral sex on her. I’ve never felt so ashamed of myself in my whole life, but to be honest I was sick of feeling lonely and unfulfilled and if I’m truthful, I really enjoyed the experience.
My partner was obviously annoyed that I didn’t get home until 5am. I didn’t tell her about my indiscretion, because I don’t know if I could handle breaking her heart like that. I broke down, we spoke about our concerns – her about my excessive drinking, me about my feelings of loneliness – and I’ve resolved to stop drinking, starting last Saturday. I really don’t think that it would fix anything by telling her, even though 90% of me wants to, in order to relieve my guilt and crippling anxiety, which has been eating me to pieces since I strayed, especially as I’m terrified she’ll find out, or that I’ve picked up an STI and might pass it on to her. I know it was a terrible thing to do, and I don’t really know where to go from here. I love my girlfriend and I hate myself for what I did, but I just got tired of feeling physically invisible.
I probably don’t deserve to keep her, but then I say to myself we all make mistakes and I’m just trying to find a way to make all this better.
Thanks.
I'm nearly 30, in a relationship for the last three years. We live together and are pretty much happy together. But for as long as I can remember we have had problems with physical intimacy. I don’t just mean sex, I mean intensity of contact. I have very pressing physical needs, and the fact that my partner, who fulfils me in every other way, just doesn’t seem to need me the same way I need her. And even though we’ve spoken about it again and again, nothing ever changes. And on top of all this, I have a serious drinking problem. Lately I’ve been staying out all night, not wanting to go home. And on Friday it all came to a head, when I met another woman in a bar, and we hooked up. We kissed all night and I then performed oral sex on her. I’ve never felt so ashamed of myself in my whole life, but to be honest I was sick of feeling lonely and unfulfilled and if I’m truthful, I really enjoyed the experience.
My partner was obviously annoyed that I didn’t get home until 5am. I didn’t tell her about my indiscretion, because I don’t know if I could handle breaking her heart like that. I broke down, we spoke about our concerns – her about my excessive drinking, me about my feelings of loneliness – and I’ve resolved to stop drinking, starting last Saturday. I really don’t think that it would fix anything by telling her, even though 90% of me wants to, in order to relieve my guilt and crippling anxiety, which has been eating me to pieces since I strayed, especially as I’m terrified she’ll find out, or that I’ve picked up an STI and might pass it on to her. I know it was a terrible thing to do, and I don’t really know where to go from here. I love my girlfriend and I hate myself for what I did, but I just got tired of feeling physically invisible.
I probably don’t deserve to keep her, but then I say to myself we all make mistakes and I’m just trying to find a way to make all this better.
Thanks.
The wicked webs we weave....
Let me throw my two cents in here. First, don't tell her anything about what you did, you'll only regret it later when this temporary issue is well behind you. They don't call them secrets for nothing. We all have skeletons in the closet and some we just have to be adult enough to deal with. But, quit beating yourself up about it. Forgive yourself. Learn from what you did and your motives. What desire were you trying to satisfy?
If your g/f is worth it, then spend the time working on your relationship. But, it sounds like you need to start with yourself. What behaviors are you doing that are self-destructive? Drinking problem? Quit or get a handle on it. This goes way beyond your g/f to include your family, friends, job, health, and financial situation. Do this simple test: Think back on all the times you hurt someone or made an *** out of yourself, was alchohol involved? If yes, it's time to quit.
Smoking? Stop. Get your life together by throwing off the shackles of dependency. You may not have any issues with your g/f but you may be unwittingly blaming her for your own inadequacies or failings.
I am 42 and had some issues of intimacy with my wife when I was younger. I knew it when we were dating and hoped it would change but I cared for her so much that I chose to forego some part of my life to have other great parts. I trust my wife, I respect my wife, I enjoy being with her. We have a slow hot burn rather than a flaming inferno relationship. We've got 3 great kids and have a better relationship than most people we know. But, we've had to work on the intimacy.
Think about some toys in the bedroom, we have 'em. Think about some soft porn or go for the triple x stuff if she'll do it. Try some dirty talk, that helped us a lot! I found that my wife really enjoyed that. For years I never tried any bottom action with my wife because I thought she would be repulsed by my clearly deviant suggestion. Bango, who knew she was really stimulated by the act and the thought of anal activities. I spent years thinking she would disown me for even thinking about it.
I had a similar "near miss" with a coworker when I was about your age. She was married and I was married. We were friends but clearly thought the other was something special. One day she told me she loved me. She put her hands between my legs and pushed her boobs in my face. And...I didn't do anything because I was feeling the way you did. I felt alone and not satisfied in my relationship with my wife. I felt like I needed more.
Well, I found the inner strength not to pursue that affair. In fact, I broke off our friendship because she couldn't respect my wishes to stay just friends. But, I survived the test.
You survived the test too. Sure, you did something that you might have wished you didn't do. But, you didn't kill anyone and the only one suffering is you. Lesson learned. Now, pick yourself up and go work on yourself and your relationship by doing more of what improves yourself and your relationship and doing less of those things (like staying out all night) that sabotage your life.
Live and learn my friend. You have to forgive your temporary error in judgement and move on. You're a good person and shouldn't keep yourself nailed to the cross forever.
Let me throw my two cents in here. First, don't tell her anything about what you did, you'll only regret it later when this temporary issue is well behind you. They don't call them secrets for nothing. We all have skeletons in the closet and some we just have to be adult enough to deal with. But, quit beating yourself up about it. Forgive yourself. Learn from what you did and your motives. What desire were you trying to satisfy?
If your g/f is worth it, then spend the time working on your relationship. But, it sounds like you need to start with yourself. What behaviors are you doing that are self-destructive? Drinking problem? Quit or get a handle on it. This goes way beyond your g/f to include your family, friends, job, health, and financial situation. Do this simple test: Think back on all the times you hurt someone or made an *** out of yourself, was alchohol involved? If yes, it's time to quit.
Smoking? Stop. Get your life together by throwing off the shackles of dependency. You may not have any issues with your g/f but you may be unwittingly blaming her for your own inadequacies or failings.
I am 42 and had some issues of intimacy with my wife when I was younger. I knew it when we were dating and hoped it would change but I cared for her so much that I chose to forego some part of my life to have other great parts. I trust my wife, I respect my wife, I enjoy being with her. We have a slow hot burn rather than a flaming inferno relationship. We've got 3 great kids and have a better relationship than most people we know. But, we've had to work on the intimacy.
Think about some toys in the bedroom, we have 'em. Think about some soft porn or go for the triple x stuff if she'll do it. Try some dirty talk, that helped us a lot! I found that my wife really enjoyed that. For years I never tried any bottom action with my wife because I thought she would be repulsed by my clearly deviant suggestion. Bango, who knew she was really stimulated by the act and the thought of anal activities. I spent years thinking she would disown me for even thinking about it.
I had a similar "near miss" with a coworker when I was about your age. She was married and I was married. We were friends but clearly thought the other was something special. One day she told me she loved me. She put her hands between my legs and pushed her boobs in my face. And...I didn't do anything because I was feeling the way you did. I felt alone and not satisfied in my relationship with my wife. I felt like I needed more.
Well, I found the inner strength not to pursue that affair. In fact, I broke off our friendship because she couldn't respect my wishes to stay just friends. But, I survived the test.
You survived the test too. Sure, you did something that you might have wished you didn't do. But, you didn't kill anyone and the only one suffering is you. Lesson learned. Now, pick yourself up and go work on yourself and your relationship by doing more of what improves yourself and your relationship and doing less of those things (like staying out all night) that sabotage your life.
Live and learn my friend. You have to forgive your temporary error in judgement and move on. You're a good person and shouldn't keep yourself nailed to the cross forever.
BTW I love your Starbucks analogy!
'I think you should have talked with your G/F about the problem you where having'.
I have. Over and over again. Again, let me emphasise, I'm not looking to excuse my behaviour. Not at all. But I have been more than open - I've never really cared about the macho male thing - and I've tried everything to help; listened to her fears, suggested counselling, given her space etc etc and nothing has ever worked. When we talked at the weekend it was a kind of last chance saloon chat, where I resolved to stop drinking forever or else lose her, and she would talk about her physical issues or else lose me. And the reason I said 'physically invisible' was because this isn't exclusively about sex. I backed out of sex with the girl I hooked up with. I suppose it boils down to wanting to feel needed. And when you're not. When you love that person dearly, it can drive you elsewhere. I'm really really sorry it did, but unfortunately I have no way of turning the clock back.
I spoke to a sexual health counsellor about my exposure, and he told me that any risk was purely theoretical because there was no sexual intercourse and giving oral to a woman is not really a risk for anything. So that's that. I have agonized about telling her. In a way it would be better for me as keeping it within is actually far harder. But I know if I told her she wouldn't dump me. She would just be devastated. And I've learned my lesson. I'm in AA for God's sake! I really appreciate your views, and the idea of working it out is a great one, but when you state that she has a right to know where I've been, I agree...to a point. If I'd been shooting up down a back alley, or having unprotected sex with loads and loads of people, or even worse, if I was having bisexual affairs, then yes she would have every right. But I've been reassured by a sexual health counsellor and a doctor that I'm not putting my partner at risk. So the only result of me being honest would be to crush her; would it really be worth it? Thank you for your comment and I welcome your views. I'm glad it's working for you and your husband:)
I have. Over and over again. Again, let me emphasise, I'm not looking to excuse my behaviour. Not at all. But I have been more than open - I've never really cared about the macho male thing - and I've tried everything to help; listened to her fears, suggested counselling, given her space etc etc and nothing has ever worked. When we talked at the weekend it was a kind of last chance saloon chat, where I resolved to stop drinking forever or else lose her, and she would talk about her physical issues or else lose me. And the reason I said 'physically invisible' was because this isn't exclusively about sex. I backed out of sex with the girl I hooked up with. I suppose it boils down to wanting to feel needed. And when you're not. When you love that person dearly, it can drive you elsewhere. I'm really really sorry it did, but unfortunately I have no way of turning the clock back.
I spoke to a sexual health counsellor about my exposure, and he told me that any risk was purely theoretical because there was no sexual intercourse and giving oral to a woman is not really a risk for anything. So that's that. I have agonized about telling her. In a way it would be better for me as keeping it within is actually far harder. But I know if I told her she wouldn't dump me. She would just be devastated. And I've learned my lesson. I'm in AA for God's sake! I really appreciate your views, and the idea of working it out is a great one, but when you state that she has a right to know where I've been, I agree...to a point. If I'd been shooting up down a back alley, or having unprotected sex with loads and loads of people, or even worse, if I was having bisexual affairs, then yes she would have every right. But I've been reassured by a sexual health counsellor and a doctor that I'm not putting my partner at risk. So the only result of me being honest would be to crush her; would it really be worth it? Thank you for your comment and I welcome your views. I'm glad it's working for you and your husband:)
Hey. I know it may or may not help, but I see that you have been waiting a while for any kind of feedback. So I will offer my opinion. You can take it for what it’s worth or you can look at it with an open, considerate eye.
I personally think what you did was WAY wrong. If it was me, I would want to know right away. However, I will be honest. I would break it off as well. I think you should have talked with your G/F about the problem you where having. I know it's not MANLY to talk about your feelings but sometimes the situation more than requires it. In my opinion you should talk to her and tell her what you did. Better she know now then later when (if) she gets a STD. Your g/f would not be with you if she thought you to be "physically invisible." The reason I am so harsh is because I can relate to your problem.
I recently got married in Dec of 06. When we started off everything was great. We had sex quite often and couldn't have been happier. Then his job started giving him hell and his libido went through the door, out the window, and into the garbage. I too felt it was me causing all his sexual problems and I even thought about divorce. I cannot take being on the "back burner." I constantly told him how uncomfortable I was with the whole thing and it became not only my problem, but his also. People go through "spats/spurts" (whichever you want to call it) with nearly everything we do. For example, one might try a Starbuck's Caramel Frap and decides they love it. They have one at least 3 times a week for about 6 months. It feels like they have been drinking them forever b4 they give up on them cold turkey. You ask them one day "hey, wanna go get a Frap?" and they turn you down flat without thinking twice. For some people it’s like being stuck in a rut. For others, it's as if there is no point to it anymore. She may be stressed as well. She might have too much going on in her life that by the time you’re ready for sex, she's ready for bed.
My husband and I decided to stick it through. We both worked on it. He now tries to be open to it more frequently and I try to be more understanding when I get rejected. That’s how it works. You struggle and fight for it.
So once again, just my opinion, but I think she has the right to know where you've been.
I personally think what you did was WAY wrong. If it was me, I would want to know right away. However, I will be honest. I would break it off as well. I think you should have talked with your G/F about the problem you where having. I know it's not MANLY to talk about your feelings but sometimes the situation more than requires it. In my opinion you should talk to her and tell her what you did. Better she know now then later when (if) she gets a STD. Your g/f would not be with you if she thought you to be "physically invisible." The reason I am so harsh is because I can relate to your problem.
I recently got married in Dec of 06. When we started off everything was great. We had sex quite often and couldn't have been happier. Then his job started giving him hell and his libido went through the door, out the window, and into the garbage. I too felt it was me causing all his sexual problems and I even thought about divorce. I cannot take being on the "back burner." I constantly told him how uncomfortable I was with the whole thing and it became not only my problem, but his also. People go through "spats/spurts" (whichever you want to call it) with nearly everything we do. For example, one might try a Starbuck's Caramel Frap and decides they love it. They have one at least 3 times a week for about 6 months. It feels like they have been drinking them forever b4 they give up on them cold turkey. You ask them one day "hey, wanna go get a Frap?" and they turn you down flat without thinking twice. For some people it’s like being stuck in a rut. For others, it's as if there is no point to it anymore. She may be stressed as well. She might have too much going on in her life that by the time you’re ready for sex, she's ready for bed.
My husband and I decided to stick it through. We both worked on it. He now tries to be open to it more frequently and I try to be more understanding when I get rejected. That’s how it works. You struggle and fight for it.
So once again, just my opinion, but I think she has the right to know where you've been.
Anyone?
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Millions of people are diagnosed with STDs in the U.S. each year.
STDs can't be transmitted by casual contact, like hugging or touching.
Syphilis is an STD that is transmitted by oral, genital and anal sex.
Discharge often isn't normal, and could mean an infection or an STD.
STDs aren't transmitted through clothing. Fabric is a germ barrier.
Normal vaginal discharge varies in color, smell, texture and amount.
