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Loss of libido in marriage
Dear Doctor,
Thank you for your time.
I am newly married man - aged 27. I have studied in the US and where I had multiple sexual partners - but always got myself checked for diseases.
Then I came back to India and after 4 years I met a girl and got engaged. She was previously a friend. She was not over her previous relationship and after having intercourse twice she told me this. I started having sexual erection dysfunctional issues. We had to get married because the Indian society calls for it and we could not end it as Indian families behave differently.
Now I have a loss of libido and do not feel like having sex with her. We probably have sex once a week but she has to go down on me every-time. And sometimes I imagine my partner to be someone else so that I get aroused. See I have stopped having normal erections. We have gotten over "her" past but it seems I am not sexually inclined anymore to her and I do try. Also - I want to be a faithful husband.
I exercise regularly and do not smoke. I try and eat well.
Any advice from you will be welcome.
Thank you.
Thank you for your time.
I am newly married man - aged 27. I have studied in the US and where I had multiple sexual partners - but always got myself checked for diseases.
Then I came back to India and after 4 years I met a girl and got engaged. She was previously a friend. She was not over her previous relationship and after having intercourse twice she told me this. I started having sexual erection dysfunctional issues. We had to get married because the Indian society calls for it and we could not end it as Indian families behave differently.
Now I have a loss of libido and do not feel like having sex with her. We probably have sex once a week but she has to go down on me every-time. And sometimes I imagine my partner to be someone else so that I get aroused. See I have stopped having normal erections. We have gotten over "her" past but it seems I am not sexually inclined anymore to her and I do try. Also - I want to be a faithful husband.
I exercise regularly and do not smoke. I try and eat well.
Any advice from you will be welcome.
Thank you.
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
Hello.
It’s obvious that your penis is perfectly fine; it’s your brain that’s getting in the way. It sounds like anxiety and worrying is hindering your ability to relax and enjoy sex. It’s’ also possible that you have some unexpressed anger and resentment at being forced into marriage. Forced marriages can be a powerful erotic deterrent.
Men receive so many messages that sex is about “performance” and pleasing a partner, rather than just enjoying the pleasure of it. Everything is goal-oriented—like a football game. High-achieving or very anxious men may have a particularly difficult time of letting go of a goal and just enjoying themselves. The other message that many men—and women—receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure. This is more common among people who have been raised in a strict, pleasure-negative religious or philosophical orthodoxy.
The more you think of sex as being about performance, the more worries you'll have. If you're stressed, then you worry even more. And this can be a vicious circle. For most of us, sex is about fun and pleasure. If you think of it as performance, or a “job,” you set yourself for a stressful experience. Remember: Performance can be the enemy of pleasure and fun
First, stop thinking that good sex is all about your erection and whether your experience is “normal.” There’s no such thing as “normal” when it comes to sex. Everyone is different. Holding these ideas puts way too much pressure on you. Once you begin to worry, it becomes a vicious circle: you worry, so your erection goes down, and then you notice it, and you worry some more, etc. Pretty soon your penis stops cooperating altogether.
Do you have any sense of what is bothering you? What are you thinking about during sex? Perhaps it’s difficult for you to think of your wife as a sexual person and that’s getting in the way? What are the conditions like when you’re being sexual? Do you have enough privacy? Are you both relaxed and happy? If not, these can contribute to your discomfort.
There are various other possible psychological/emotional factors too numerous to detail here. These include fear of intimacy, fear of women or negative feelings about them, unresolved anger, feeling conflicted about marriage, etc.
You may have negative attitudes about sex in general, you may have performance issues or you may have conflicts about marriage or women in general. Either way, it’s easy to get trapped in a cycle of trying too hard, which, in turn, just leads to more stress and anxiety. And you know what? It’s not that uncommon, and it’s not that hard to change. Take a deep breath, relax and examine these issues and see if any fit for you. Something is getting in the way of your pleasure, and you’ll need to do some serious thinking to figure out what it is.
For more information about erection issues, attitude, etc., I highly recommend the book “The New Male Sexuality” by Bernie Zilbergeld, Ph.D. It’s widely available online, both used and in paperback and is an invaluable resource.
In any new relationship, it takes time to relax with each other and learn about your body and its responses. But anything worthwhile takes a little time and practice, no? Talk with your wife and tell her you’d like to slow down and learn about each others’ bodies and responses together, and then you two can discover just what it is that arouses you. You have a chance to take a wonderful journey of discovery with each other which will not only be educational but lots of fun. You can have a great sex life if you’ll stop putting this performance pressure on yourself and relax. Many women aren’t that concerned with penis-vagina sex as the end-all/be-all anyway. Learn to relax with a partner, experiment with non-penetrative sex (e.g., oral and manual stimulation), discover what feels good for both of you, and watch a whole new world open up. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
It’s obvious that your penis is perfectly fine; it’s your brain that’s getting in the way. It sounds like anxiety and worrying is hindering your ability to relax and enjoy sex. It’s’ also possible that you have some unexpressed anger and resentment at being forced into marriage. Forced marriages can be a powerful erotic deterrent.
Men receive so many messages that sex is about “performance” and pleasing a partner, rather than just enjoying the pleasure of it. Everything is goal-oriented—like a football game. High-achieving or very anxious men may have a particularly difficult time of letting go of a goal and just enjoying themselves. The other message that many men—and women—receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure. This is more common among people who have been raised in a strict, pleasure-negative religious or philosophical orthodoxy.
The more you think of sex as being about performance, the more worries you'll have. If you're stressed, then you worry even more. And this can be a vicious circle. For most of us, sex is about fun and pleasure. If you think of it as performance, or a “job,” you set yourself for a stressful experience. Remember: Performance can be the enemy of pleasure and fun
First, stop thinking that good sex is all about your erection and whether your experience is “normal.” There’s no such thing as “normal” when it comes to sex. Everyone is different. Holding these ideas puts way too much pressure on you. Once you begin to worry, it becomes a vicious circle: you worry, so your erection goes down, and then you notice it, and you worry some more, etc. Pretty soon your penis stops cooperating altogether.
Do you have any sense of what is bothering you? What are you thinking about during sex? Perhaps it’s difficult for you to think of your wife as a sexual person and that’s getting in the way? What are the conditions like when you’re being sexual? Do you have enough privacy? Are you both relaxed and happy? If not, these can contribute to your discomfort.
There are various other possible psychological/emotional factors too numerous to detail here. These include fear of intimacy, fear of women or negative feelings about them, unresolved anger, feeling conflicted about marriage, etc.
You may have negative attitudes about sex in general, you may have performance issues or you may have conflicts about marriage or women in general. Either way, it’s easy to get trapped in a cycle of trying too hard, which, in turn, just leads to more stress and anxiety. And you know what? It’s not that uncommon, and it’s not that hard to change. Take a deep breath, relax and examine these issues and see if any fit for you. Something is getting in the way of your pleasure, and you’ll need to do some serious thinking to figure out what it is.
For more information about erection issues, attitude, etc., I highly recommend the book “The New Male Sexuality” by Bernie Zilbergeld, Ph.D. It’s widely available online, both used and in paperback and is an invaluable resource.
In any new relationship, it takes time to relax with each other and learn about your body and its responses. But anything worthwhile takes a little time and practice, no? Talk with your wife and tell her you’d like to slow down and learn about each others’ bodies and responses together, and then you two can discover just what it is that arouses you. You have a chance to take a wonderful journey of discovery with each other which will not only be educational but lots of fun. You can have a great sex life if you’ll stop putting this performance pressure on yourself and relax. Many women aren’t that concerned with penis-vagina sex as the end-all/be-all anyway. Learn to relax with a partner, experiment with non-penetrative sex (e.g., oral and manual stimulation), discover what feels good for both of you, and watch a whole new world open up. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
Thanks for giving me best advice and useful information.
I like this information.
Thanks for great sharing.
I like this information.
Thanks for great sharing.
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