Lying, Cheating, Rationalizing, hurting those around me

[Liliana_Kenzie]

I have been married for 3 years to a wonderful man.  Well one night a couple years ago we had our good friends over who are married and became good friends of ours.  They propositioned us with swapping spouses.  At first I was extremely upset and scared that of course my husband would leave me if I acted on this temptation.  We talked it over and my husband seemed intrigued and we went ahead and did it.  So every so often when we saw them we would also engage in this behavior.  Me and the other husband then decided if it was ok for us to have sex during these occasions then why wouldn't it be ok if we also did it outside of those times.  I lied to him and said that my husband was ok with it.  So we started meeting about once or twice a week at our house for these sexual encounters.  This went on for some time but the guilt started to set in and we both knew what we were doing was wrong.  I took it upon myself to tell his wife what was going on, and I also confessed to my husband.  Of course they both were very upset that we had betrayed their trust and our marriages started to fall apart.  She threatened divorce and my husband said he could never trust me again - our marriage is on the verge of collapse.  We want to stay together for the sake of our daughter and we do love each other very much.  I feel so terrible, so out of control, so dishonest.  I want to hold my marriage together, I have given up on my other sexual goings on and have committed myself to my husband.  I don't know why I gave in to temptation so easily, how I rationalized what I was doing was just a minor misgiving, and I really wasn't doing anything wrong.  How can I change for good, and how can I repair my trust in myself and in my husbands eyes?

[Janice M Epp, PhD]

Hello.

What you've asked is way beyond the scope of this forum. First of all, ask yourself just WHAT it is you want to change? Do you have the idea that you can become someone else? Perhaps your first step is too look at the reasons why you took the steps you did. What did having sex with your friend give you that being married doesn't? It may be that there was something missing for you in the marriage.

The other questions you ask have no answer, except from you. Someone can help you discover them. Please find a counselor who is trained to help people talk about sexual concerns. You need to learn more about yourself so then you and your husband can decide what are your next steps. Best of luck to you. Dr. J

[Jonota]

I have often pondered just how I would deal with such a situation.  I think the only real answer is time.  It sounds like nothing drastic occured immediately, so I think you have a real chance at mending it, but there are some things that I would imagine that will be hard to deal with.  I know it would be hard for me to avoid nasty comments occasionally if an argument were to happen, and other things.  That might lead to opening up that guilt again, and it might be too much for some people to deal with.  

[Liliana_Kenzie]

I have started therapy, and my husband and I will start going together soon.
Thanks