This forum is for questions and support regarding relationship issues such as: Abstinence, Arousal Problems, Birth Control, Cohabitation, Commitment, Communication, Couples Counseling, Desire /Lack of Desire, Sexual Technique.
I am 24 and my husband is 25. We have been together for 8 years and married for 6. We are both healthy and have a 9 month old daughter. My problem started about 7 years ago when it seemed like my husband never wanted to have sex. Then after a while it seemed like I was always initiating it and getting turned down! He just shrugs it off and thinks that I being funny and laughs! Mean while I feel rejected and depressed. I didn't say anything for a while I pretty much let it build up for a while and then one night I had to much to drink and decided to bring up the issue. He didn't seem to think that anything was wrong with our sex life and couldn't believe that's what I was mad about! I asked him if there was something wrong with me he said no. Then I asked him if there was something wrong with him he said he doesn't think so. I suggested that he gets checked out to see if somethings wrong since he assured me that it wasn't me. Need less to say he never did and we have had about 4 or 5 more huge blow outs since then! Nothing seems to change so I don't even bring it up anymore! I don't understand it though because he is very affectionate. We are still young and I think we should be having sex more than once a month! He thinks that its not that big of a deal. I don't know what else to do!!?? He obviously is interested in sex because I find porn on our computer. I also expressed to him that makes me feel like total S*IT to know that you looking at that **** but don't want to have sex with me!! Again....I'm overexagerating!! I'm starting to think that it's going to be like this for the rest of my life! It's making me paranoid that he is cheating, so now I'm checking our cell phone bills and always watching what he does (when I can) and I don't want to be that person who is jealous but I cant help it. What do I do?
guys loose interest in sex for lots of reasons. Hormones & stress are 2 leading factors, with depression coming up on a close 3rd. If its tha later, make sure he never gets on a med that has negative sexual side effects, if its the first its easily curable, if its stress then he needs to find the source of the problem and fix it, and increase exercise.
The problem is, often guys dont want to get help. When we loose our sexual nature, its hard to admit and it often is some relief in comparison to our normal thinking about sex ever 5 min mode. However, this can be hard on a relationship and cause stress in a marriage.
Porn often doesnt equal an interest in sex, guys are just drawn to it often even without a libido. My testosterone level is VERY low right now, castrate levels, and i still like it.
My GF had to lead me to the water but couldnt make me drink, so to say. I didnt even get the concept it should be different, that desire should be part of my psychology. Im very recently on testosterone replacement as i finally accepted there should be more, but it took a while.
Do not think it is yourself, ok? I doubt its an affair, its just some psychological or physical issues. also, some medications can kill the libido, especially hair loss & depression medications.
I just want to say thanks to everyone who has replied to this message! Some of the things that you said (donb_fl) makes sense. I just have another ?. I sometimes think that he gets depressed about his physical appearance. There is absolutely nothing wrong with his appearance in fact a lot of women I know always say how hot he is. He is always trying to "improve" himself. How do I help him to realize that there is nothing wrong with him! He's not on any medication but he does have back problems that are now getting worse and making him more depressed but he never really never shows it. Thanks a lot for you opinions!
Pain causes stress, stress causes libido dysfunction. So does depression. The pain can incese cortisol and lactic acid in the system, both libido killers.
Self image issues I know, deeply. Im in therapy for it. I haven't overcame it but im making progress. I wish i had better advice than "get a therapist" but its the only one i can give. Most antidepressants have libido killing powers, but wellbutrin SR is known for increasing it. I use it with good success to manage my low testosterone depression and increase my sensitivity.
Is he using ANY type of medication? Even medium doses of tagamet for heartburn can decrease testosterone in the system.
If he is regularly exercising, it can do nothing but help. Don't discourage this, it will help the healing process in his back and help his stress level.
Switching to my professional hat, your husband needs a full physical and blood workup, CBC, Comprehensive Metabolic Panel / hepatic panel Lipid Profile, Testosterone -Total + Free, Estradiol, PT/PTT.
I love my girlfriend and would never hurt her, but these issues caused great stress in our relationship. I had my first testosterone shot last Friday and im already noticing the change, It feels good, i dont know why i waited so long to get help. In 5 days my entire mood has changed. I hope whatever is wrong for your husband is easly curable, and don't hesitate to ask me questions if you got them. 25 years old is too young to not have a libido, there is something not right.
Hey, if he is anything like me just ask him to go to the doctor and get help, if even just an evaluation to calm your fears for his health, instead of letting it get in an argument, show your true feelings. It wasn't until my GF started crying when she was trying to tell me to get help that i realized something was profoundly wrong with me, and how much it was affecting our relationship.
Omg I'm so thankkful to find all of you! I have been so depressed and have actually thought of leaving my husband I love him to pieces but I just feel there's no hope. I feel as if he dosent want me anymore! I thought it was just me and I can't possibly take him to couseling for this his ex wife had and still has him in counseling for everything and anything you can think of from there marriage and now with there children. Anyways my husband spends so much time by himself i can't stand it I feel so alone even if he's in the den. he never kisses me he never wants to have sex and if he does it's usually when he's drinking and forget it if he has to much to drink I can't deal i feel so weak and so undesired. this is my second marriage and i didnt have this problem before. Why do men quit being affectionate? I just feel so sad I cry and cry and pray and think whats wrong with me.. so please keep the comments coming it helps others to know it's not just them!!!
Have you ever expressed your feelings to him? There are a lot of things that my husband doesn't understand until I say "well how would you feel if..." and then he puts his self into my shoes and most of the time can see where I'm coming from. My husband is very affectionate he just never feels like having sex. Some men don't even realize that they are hurting you until you say something! Has he always been like this? You should never feel depressed if he is not being affectionate towards you that doesn't mean that its you! He could have issues of his own but you will never know unless you ask and take it from my experience never jump to conclusions and just assume things because if you sit around thinking of all the possible reasons you will drive yourself CRAZY!! I know I used to let my mind wonder and I would come up with some crazy things and I would just get myself mad/upset!
Can you tell me more about that shot? And if he was interested how would he go about getting it? Would low testosterone make him not able to build muscle? He used to work out all the time and never got very good results. He was thinking about steroids but when he researched it he found that it causes to many health problems.
my boyfriend of 2.5 years doesn't want to have sex nearly as often as we used to. Before buying a house together, we would have sex 5 to 6 times a week, but now I"m lucky if we have sex 2 times a week. I realize I should be thankful for this, but I can't help but wonder what the problem is. This is pretty much the only thing we fight about, and I don't want it to ruin our relationship. When I ask him questions about what turns him on or what I can do for him sexually, he says nothing, which makes me angry and frustrated. How do I get to the bottom of the problem?
If you had relations 5 to 6 times a week, and now not even 2 a week and he is only 25, there is a problem. Man find it hard to admit, they are very proud about their sexuality and then, when it goes down, they know it, but more than likely will not want to do anything on their own. You need to help him, talk to him and make him realize how important sex is to you, and make him also realize how his needs have changed. Then get help right away, first go to an MD that is open. Do not wait.
I can't believe there are mostly women complaining about their lack of a sex life. I've been with my wife for over a decade and look at her as if we were just married. To this day she takes my breath away. In the beginning our sex life was incredible and she was amazing. A decade later, I have to guilt her into sex and when that works she will just lay there or if it doesn't (which is 90% of the time) she always has some issue. She usually has a headache, some other problem or tired!! (which is funny because when I come home she is wide awake, but within ten minutes she is very sleepy?) Does anyone know if there is medication I can be prescribed slow down my sex drive? I am at the end of my leash and may have to look else where!!
Have you considered that he could be asexual? Asexuals often experience romantic love, but not sexual attraction. For men, this can be a shameful subject, as society teaches males that they should want sex all the time, and that they should be far more sexual than females.Some can also enjoy sexual acts although he would not seek them out. For this reason, many are willing to have sex in loving, committed relationships in order to please their partner. This often doesn't last very long. If he is asexual, then there is nothing physically wrong with him. However, if he is having other issues, or he lost his libido suddenly, he should definitely see a doctor. The important thing for you to do is to talk to him honestly about what both of you are feeling. Also, some asexuals do masterbate, but would rather not have partnered sex. If so, it is not because he doesn't love you or fid you physically attractive. Check out www.asexuality.org for more information.
my T shots, testosterone cypionate, is prescribed for my low T state. IF you can get your husband in to a doctor, see if the can get a full hormone panel, while he may not have Low T, he might have other problems. I take it once a week and when i do, WOW, its like the sun is shining on me! Yes, its hard to build mass with low T, and the general energy level is down and depression is a side effect.
If he does have low T, then shots may or may not be needed. Most guys can just have the gel they rub on for a mild boost, I'm totally out as Ive had a bilateral Orchiectomy and no longer have the source of testosterone in me....
Thisstinks: Depo Provera or Androcur will take your drive away, but be careful, the effects of chemical castration can be bad, depression, mood swings, heat flashes, etc. Women can have low estrogen too and i find its a better solution to bring the low partner up than to shut the high partner down...
Prior to getting married we had sex almost every other day for a year. We moved in together for about 10 months without sex. We were married on the 11th month and had sex on our wedding night, and only one other time since on our one year anniversary. It is almost 2 years married in 3 months from now. Will I be a 40 year old Virgin now- except for wedding anniversaries?
My husband is going to be 34 next month, I'm 36. We've been together for 6 yrs. now & our sex life has steadily decreased to maybe 3 times a month! It was never very high from the beginning, but no where near as low as now. We sometimes used to have sex 2 days in a row, woohoo! I always want sex & am always or almost always the one initiating it. His excuses often are, "I'm too full, too tired, we just did 4 days ago, or maybe...(which means No). He's not gay nor does he have any interest in other women & I'm 100% sure there's no one else. He says his body just doesn't require as much sex as mine. After months of pushing, I've finally gotten him to see his Dr. who did a testerone test. It turned out to be 200! They did another test & it was 400. Regardless, it's low. Today is Monday afternoon & his 1st shot was given last Fri, 3 days ago. The only thing that happened was a blow out aggressive fight that day. We had sex last night which was usual as it had been a month now. This was nothing out of the ordinary & he said he didn't feel any different than normal. I'm not sure if he's on 100mg or 200mg shots, but the Dr. says he needed his initial dose then another 2 weeks later, then once a month. This seems low from what I've read? He's 230 lbs & 6'3" Does it go by weight? What I'd like to know is, How long will this take! I was hoping for some increase in his desire for frequency. He says I should be patient with him & I'm trying, but isn't the Testerone supposed to be immediate. I was hoping for some increase in desire. Has anyone found that the initial dose takes awhile to work? Does he need more? Or more often? He doesn't like to talk about it, so pushing isn't getting me anywhere. Please let me know if this is something that needs to build up in his system or is this just it. Thanks for any reply. ~C
a month is a LONG time to go between shots, you might want to have him go to a TRT specialist... The half life of the shot is 6-10 days, by the way, in 2 weeks it is gone totally. Now, realize i went from a blood T level of 36ng/dl, which is castrate, treatment process was a 100mg shot to a 200mg shot weekly, but by the 2nd shot my libido was there and very high after the 3rd. It takes time to build... On the 1st i really didn't feel much libido surge but on that 2nd 200mg shot, i went to walmart a few hours after and i was looking at every good looking woman thinking things.. lol... I find a few hours after my shot is a good time to get with my GF now.. lol.. ;)
Aggression is a symptom that the shot is working, he needs to learn to control this, its like being a teenager again, we have to relearn how to control ourselves during this time.. Your doctor should have counseled him on this... if not, you need a better TRT doctor in my opinion..
200 is hypogonadic, 400 is mid range. Was the 200 in the afternoon? a man should see a 150 point swing during the day, a natural Menes cycle is 24 hours. With my TRT, im having a 7 day cycle, its a new experience.... The evening level should never be under 300 IMHO, i have mine raised to 800 in the morning test, day 3 (the peek of the shot), like a young man of 18...
I am a 24 year old male and I feel like something inside me just snapped one day this year. I used to be interested in sex all the time, multiple times a day and certainly 5-7 times a week, if I could get it. I have been with my girlfriend for 3 years and it used to be a problem how often I would try and solicit her for sex. Some time in the last four months that stopped dead in its tracks. We live together now and I cannot even kiss her. It seems like a waste of time or that I am going to have to have sex with her even though I dont want to. She is very attractive, at least I used to think so and it seems everyone else still does. At first I blamed it on things she was doing, I made her stop walking around the house naked or using the bathroom with the door open (I never minded before), which did nothing. She tries to have sex with me several times a week now and I know she is confused that I do not engage anymore. And I think she can tell that most of the time that I am doing it I am doing it just to please her, I don't care about it anymore. I am not on any medications and have not been for years. I was in therapy for depression a year ago which I know treat by getting regular exercise, though I am thinking of going back now. I feel like maybe I just dont love her that way anymore. I don't know Our relationship is otherwise great, but I know she is going to start getting crazy, what do I do?
get a full check out... if you need antidepressants be sure it has no negative side effect profile, it will just make you worse. Your describing exactly how i felt when I was castrate, but, I wanted the closeness and love of a relationship and that motivated me to get help.
BTW, normal male blood test for hormone diagnosis:
• Total Testosterone
• Bioavailable Testosterone (AKA “Free and Loosely Bound”)
• Free Testosterone (if Bioavailable T is unavailable)
• Estradiol (specify “ultrasensitive” assay for males)
• Thyroid Panel
• Comprehensive Metabolic Panel
• Lipid Profile
• PSA (if over 40)
• IGF-1 (if HGH therapy is being considered)
"MY CURRENT BEST THOUGHTS ON HOW TO ADMINISTER TRT FOR MEN" --John Crisler, DO
AACE Medical Guidelines for Clinical Practice for Evaluation and Treatment of Hypogonadism in Adult Male Patients- 2002 Update
BTW, low-T has most of the same symptom profile as depression!!!! You might find yourself suddenly undepressed if you go on a HRT regime! :)
Low T isnt the answer to every male libido problem of course, but as i study it more I'm finding it is 9/10ths of the time. Many drugs, street and prescription and otherwise have negative effects on the male hormone system, so this just makes it worse for us.
omg- i am sooo glad that i have found all you guys!!! i have been freaking out.... my boyfriend and i have been together for almost two years now, he's 24, and i;m 21, and we have lived together practically the whole time. we used to have sex 4-7 times a day! and i loved it!!! i am a very sexual being, not a nympho, but i love to have sex with the person i love......and we haven't had sex but maybe once a month now, for like the past year and and some months!!! i am going absolutely CRAZY!!!!
I make myself look bad too, i come up with all these crazy scenerios, and come up with elaborate ways that he could be cheating on me, i thought it was me, i still think it might be ) :
He swears it's not me, he says he's still very attracted to me, but he also says that "he needs time to miss me"...because we live together...is that just an excuse?? and now he wants me to move out, and claims that he thinks it would better our relationship! i don't know what to do, i am sooo paranoid now, all i can think is that he wants to f*** other women!! and that makes me sooo depressed to think that my baby doesn't want me anymore.....
i try to stay gone all day, i am not even home, but to shower and sleep, four days outta the week! and i even stay at my girls house a couple nights outta the week, just so that he can "have time to miss me"........ but when i come home, it's always the same.....he never wants to have sex, and i am a very attractive female, and he is a very attractive man, and i know that there is plenty of woman around that would love to have him, even knowing that he has a girl friend, ESPECIALLY KNOWING HE HAS A GIRL, woman tend to want men more after they know that they are taken, and especially when they see how hott the man's girl is, because hey, if they take him from her, then they must be as hott as she is, right?... WRONG!!!! i have been cheated on by every single man i have been with, and i 'm young, but i have only had significant long term relationships, and everyone of them cheated with some nasty a**, ugly lil girl, who could no-way ever compare to me!!!!! so is it them that has the problem?!?! is it me, or is it my man??? I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!! i love my man very very much, and would never do anything to hurt him, but he is driving me to the brink of insanity!!! and even my periods are late every month now, because i am SOOO STRESSED OUT!!
I'M LUCKY IF I GET IT EVEN ONCE A MONTH!! AND HALF THE TIME I TRY TO GET SOME, AND HE JUST SMACKS MY HAND AWAY!!!! I FEEL LIKE HE IS THE WOMAN AND I AM THE MAN IN THE RELATIONSHIP!! i am the one who always wants to have sex, and he is the one always complaining about him being tired, or him having a headache, or he has to get up early for work, or something, it's ALWAYS SOMETHING!!!! and i don't know what to do...... should i move out??? is it possible that THAT could actually help our relationship, or is that just a way for him to have his cake and eat it too?!?!? then he would have complete autonamy to bang whoever he wants, and he wouldn't have to worry about me comming home unanounced!!! WTF!?!??! i'm losing it.
i am not happy, i need to be loved and hugged and kissed, i need to feel like i am wanted, and i obviously don't think that i am ) :
HE'D RATHER WATCH PORN AND JACK IT THAN TO HAVE SEX WITH HIS ATTRACTIVE GIRLFRIEND....WHAT THE F*** IS THAT ABOUT!?!? ALL I KNOW IS THAT I CANNOT TAKE THIS FOR MUCH LONGER, I WANT A MAN WHO WANTS ME!!!! and i know that there are plenty of them out there.............. it just sucks that the one i want the most doesn't want me, obviousely.
I TELL YA, I NEVER COULD UNDERSTAND HOW WOMEN WHO SUPPOSEDLY LOVE THEIR MEN COULD ACTUALLY CHEAT ON THEM, BUT, THE THOUGHT OF ANOTHER MAN WHO WOULD ACTUALLY TOUCH ME, AND WANT TO PLEASE ME, AND NOT JUST DO IT BECAUSE HE FEELS OBLIGATED TO, IS DEFFINATELY APPEALING TO ME LATELY!!!!!!
i just wish that he will come back around, and that it will work, i don't want to leave an otherwise great relationship just because i am not getting laid! but i am deffinately not happy when i can't even turn my man on........................... regretfully so,
the pimptress, N.P.
Well, new contributor here, so I will lay out my thoughts as clearly and concisely as possible. Hope they are worth something to someone.
First, it seems that in this thread we have people coming at the problem from both sides. Some are in the camp that want sex, but cannot seem to get their spouse to have it with them. On the other side, we have people who are not so into sex anymore, and fear that their SOs or spouses are eventually going to get fed up and leave.
We're all human, we want to know that the person that we are with loves us (this is the big one), but also desires us. I have a mother who loves me very much, and it feels good. But a large component of any relationship between girlfriend/boyfriend of husband/wife is sexual. Sure, some couples are perfectly happy never having sex. If so, good for them. But a vast majority of us not only like sex, we need it. No, I don't mean in a physiological sense. I mean that there is a huge emotional component between men and women who love on another - it fulfills some basic emotional need, much like love, or rather, a supplement to love.
When I have sex with someone I truly love, it feels a lot different than the average one night stand. There's something there, some intangible quality, that's just missing during a one off sexual escapade. It's more fulfilling, and, I will go so far as to say, more affirming on some basic level. There is the physical component, that, glad to say, never gets old. But there is also that affirmation that, yes, someone not only loves me, they want me. And that feels good.
I suppose that there are any number of reasons that a couple may stop having sex on a regular basis. Stress, work schedules, children, money, etc, etc, etc. The problem comes in when the sex drives of the couple become incompatible. She wants it, he doesn't. He wants it, she has a headache. Whatever the reason, one person in the relationship is now not having a basic need met - feeling desired. The other, more than likely, feels the pressure that comes along with being unable to satisfy his or her SO. Let that simmer long enough and there is bound to be trouble eventually.
The trick is being able to be open and honest, with each other and with ourselves. And there's the rub. It is a cliche, of course, but also a basic truth: communication and honesty are the keys to any successful relationship. Once those go out the window, how much longer will the relationship last? Problem is, when there is an issue, you cannot force your partner to do a thorough and complete self analysis and then remedy whatever the problem might be. The lucky ones love someone who is able to engage willingly in that type of soul searching. Others aren't so lucky.
Perhaps it would help, no matter on which side of the issue you find yourself, to think of the issue in a different way. Sure, it is tangentially about sex - the lack of it, to be sure. But is that what it's really about? I may be stating the obvious, but it seems to me to be much more of an emotional issue (barring any type of medical problem, of course). As in, why are my needs not being met, or, why can't I seem to meet the needs of the person I am with? That might be a good starting point down what may turn out to be a long road to self discovery.
Of course, it is quite possible that the person you are with just has a different sex drive. Perhaps the person always wanted sex once a month and no more. In that case, you either learn to adjust or find different options, I guess. But, that doesn't seem to be case with a majority of posters to this thread.
Arg, this post is much longer than I had anticipated, so I'll end it here.
My husband never wants to have sex...but it isn't because of poor drive on either side.
As far as I know, I am the only person with the problem I have...at least that I can find...
Six and a half years ago I had my last orgasm from sex. It was when I was pregnant with my first child and following the last trimester and vaginal birth, I have never been able to reach orgasm from sex again, or for that matter, from any vaginal stimulation. NEVER!!! My husband has a hugely overactive sex drive. I have always had a huge sex drive too, but because I can't climax during sex and because I don't feel good to him during sex, he obviously is not very interested in having traditional sex with me. We still fool around a lot and do oral or manual acts but it just isn't the same.
I miss having an orgasm with my partner inside me soooo much. I've tried all kinds of crazy things to help and nothing has worked. Kegels, sex toys during sex (too distracting), self-hypnotism, and there is even a surgery I'm considering that would put me out $10,000 and with my luck I still wouldn't be able to have an orgasm anyway, or would just get stretched out again. It's so depressing.
It's getting to the point now where I feel like a lesbian because my partner never wants to penetrate me. It's partly my fault because our encounters have been so frustrating or embarrassing (he loses interest or loses his erection when it doesn't seem like I'm building up in sexual excitement, which I don't) that we just never do it anymore. So I've started turning him down because I don't want to feel let down. I'm also an active "fantasizer" but lately I can only seem to think about horrible, awkward encounters we've had and it just wrecks the mood.
We only have "traditional" sex maybe 2 or 3 times a month and I'm lucky if he is able to climax once a month inside me. It's so humiliating. I feel so broken. It's unfair that we both have healthy sexual appetites but I'm too "broken" to be a good sex partner.
Hi. I just found this site and I am finding similarities between u guys and me. I am a 20 yr old female who has been with my fiance for 1 yr and 3 months. We use to have sex every other day, I loved it but then we moved in together and now its maybe 2 a week to less. He looks at over 50 porn sites every other day, but he never wants to have sex with me and I'm always the one wanting it but it response, "I'm sorry I don't feel like it." about 9 times out of 10 I'm turned down. I have been turned down a lot in my time and I can't stand that a man I am marrying is rejecting me every time I want him. I'm getting to the point where I want to go our separate ways so I can find someone who wants to rip my clothes off and pleasure me. I love this man but he always put his needs before mine.I even caught him talking to other women on that myspace. I'm thinking that it would be best to split up, he say he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me but his actions are speaking louder than this words u know? I need advice fast. I don't see if hes so attracted to me how he can look at porn more than have sex with me. Obviously the attraction is not there. so I'm starting to think about other men. I just don't know what to do. Please help...
I have been reading up on this since I realized I was going to have up hill battle having a great sex life with someone who I dearly love, my husband. Is there a success story about this anywhere?! Has anyone had a change back to the "good old days” with a partner who is no longer on the same sexual page? Has anyone built up a great sexual relationship with someone who they had incompatibility with? I'm glad to find I'm not alone, but is there hope for our needs?
I am so sorry to hear that others are experiencing the same thing, but I must say it feels good to know that I am not alone in my torment. I felt so justified and relieved after reading the stories posted here.
All my friends, even my mother is aware of my high libido. The wonderful man that I am in a relationship with for almost a year knew as well, and seemed to be on my page when we first met. Now we never had sex all the time.. like maybe 2 or 3 times a week...which is still not enough for my appetite. However, that only lasted about a couple of weeks, maybe 2 or 3 total, and then it was weeks and months before anything physical transpired between us. Now I am lucky if we have sex twice a month after I beg for it. It is soooo frustrating and confusing !!! T he tension and resentment in me builds up to a breaking point that forces me to Iash out at him, and unfortunaytely this is happening more and more frequently lately. I am especially angry and upset at his lack of arousal around my period, poor guy really has to seek shelter then! lol
I have thought about leaving him, or remaining friends and roommates. It seems that we should find mates that better match our drives. Isn't this fair?? I dream of daily intercourse that will never happen with him! Of course, I am not sure it is his sex drive that is the culprit. I have accused him of being gay... poor thing. The bottom line is that he doesn't deserve my hostility even though he doesn't want to address the issue and gets real defensive when I try to talk about it. I guess it hurts his male ego to think that he is not performing and lacks a libido that society deems is inherrent in all manly men. He does often reply that my bitchy attitude is the reason why he doesn't feel like doing the deed, but I am the nicest most down to earth gal that only seems to get nasty when I don't 'get what I need in the bedroom from the man that supposedly loves me.
I like what was said by a very wise contributor above that sex is a NEED-- not a want. For me, it is what drives me to wanting a relationship in the first place, since I already have a ton of friends thjat I love and cherish, but I don't have a safe sex partner that can nurture my physical needs. All I ever wanted for years now is to experience sex with the man I love Iinstead of a casual affair.
His lack of attention and ACTION leaves me feeling so undesirable and knocks my self esteem down. I think I am attractive... but I feel so ugly and fat when I get no response from the guy that I love. In fact, I know I get more acne when I am not getting any-- probably stress-- and this makes me feel even more rotten and ugly.
I would have left him by now if it were not for the fact that I seriously love the guy. This is my first serious relationship in over a decade and I do enjoybeing with him, but I cannot go on like this. So, there is my dilemma and I need some resolution soon before I loose it completely.
Please tell me someone out there might have an answer for me, or just a clue as to what I should do. As the lady that posted before me asked---- are there any success stories???? Please do come forth and share any helpful knowledge. Thanks...
I wrote above that my husband is going on 33 (I'm 36) & he has low testosterone (one test was 200 & another 400). Regardless, it's low. He has very little desire for sex, maybe 3 x a month if I'm lucky. He's not gay nor does he take any other med's. or seeing another woman. He says his body just doesn't require as much sex as mine. It's always been lower than mine from the beginning, but not this low! I am angry and feel that there is something wrong with me, but I know there is not. I finally got him to see his family Dr. and get his 1st testosterone injection. That was 2 weeks ago & his second this past Fri. (09/21), There is NO change in him whatsoever, sex drive or other side effects.
Are testosterone shots supposed to work immediately? Are there men who get these shots and it just doesn't work? Maybe he's not getting enough of a dose? Or as often as he needs? Or am I simply stuck with begging my husband for sex & just being shot down forever? His Dr. has scheduled his next shot to be 1 mo. from now. If it's not working now it's not going to get any better next month, right? I thought the shots go out of you system in a week or so.. My main question, are there simply just men who have no succes with hormone therapy?
I'm trying to get him to go to an Endocronologist as he's just seeing his family Dr. It was like pulling teeth just to get him to get these shots. I'm hoping we'll have better luck with an Endocronologist.
I'm 33 & just like a lot of you women who have high sex drives & are married to Mr. 3 x a month. My hubby (33) still has no response to his testosterone shots yet. I'm still pushing him to email Dr. re: it not working, pulling teeth to simply get this far. I know you said we might have another shot to go (#3).
My question is, he's played football his entire life (defensive end). There were no steriod use for sure. If he did have "damage" & that was the reason for lack of sex drive, would Testosterone shots ever work? He says he never remembers getting blasted there.
Also, is there a direct coorelation between low tes. & fertility? ( Aside from lack of sex). Have any of you women had problems getting pregnant when your hubby has low Testosterone? It scares me b/c his brother has unviable sperm & can't have kids. Am I to worry about heredity &/or low Test. playing a role in fertility?
My husband is very calculated & wont start trying to conceive until end of Nov??? I think he thinks this is a one shot deal. I suppose I shouldn't panic until problems arise. Any replies are helpful.
I think the regime he is on isn't correct for his body. Is he going to a TRT specialist? If not, you need to find him one, most doctors like to play around with T but dont know what the hell they are doing. If he has another hormone elevated that antagonizes T, like E2, then the shots wont work well, he will have to get the offending hormone in control first. I cant see a monthly shot doing anything, its just too long, the shot dosnt even last 2 weeks, much less a month!
Yes, low T will cause less or no sperm to be made.
I recomend you read this:
"CURRENT BEST THOUGHTS ON HOW TO ADMINISTER TRT FOR MEN"
by Dr John Crisler, DO
Ive done a little research and have found a few things. Some old school doctors are trying to inject 400mg of testosterone per month all at once. This causes an extreme spike of T and a taper down over 13-17 days to nothing. The side effect of having a huge spike are anger problems, ED, E2 conversion, nervousness, and mood swings.
Testosterone Replacement Therapy. Their is a reason why they call it REPLACEMENT, when a guy is on T shots his natural system shuts off, so even if he has a little natural production it will be gone. Another effect is that without the body producing LH hormone, spermogenisis will stop, ie, he will be sterile. To reverse this HGC hormone which mimics LH is often used when trying to conceive.
In layman's terms? You're saying that If he is getting replacement T therapy that's supposed to increase his sexual desire, this may lessen our chances of fertility? In essence, he's actually doing more harm than good? I did get him to email his Dr. last night re: shots not working, we'll see what he says. Can you simplify your last paragraph in reference to HGC hormone... I never was good at science/chemistry. Thanks! ~C
In our bodies, we have a long chain of hormones that cause other hormones to be created. HGC hormone is the analogue that we can manufacture than mimics LH hormone. LH hormone causes the testicles to make more testosterone. The only problem is that using it long term, HCG will "fry" the natural system totally.
When we get artificial T, the brain never sends the signal to the testicles through LH to make more T. A side effect of this is the testicles shut down and shrink, and they stop producing sperm. This is why we use LH homone analogue to re-activate the testicles again.
I'm thinking that you really really need to get your husband into a hormone replacement specialist. Your doctor is "old school" and is doing it contrary to modern standards which have MUCH more success.
bottomline folks, anyone that thinks married sex given all the realtities of a life with full time jobs, kids, and our many other responsibilities should resemble that of our single days, I have news for you.
Its not very realistic.
My wife and I have been in counseling for almost a year. My complaint was NOT ENOUGH INTIMACY. When I say that, she hears "HE JUST WANTS SEX!" So the harder I try to reconnect with her in an intimate highly sexual manner, the more she pushes away.
For her intimacy is established by living day in and day out together. Sitting together on the couch, sharing affection that isn't initiated only as a means to get her naked and in bed. My helping more around the house inspite of the fact I'm the grocery shopper, the cook, the landscaper, the dog walker, and the kids baseball coach. She is the one that does the laundry, sweeps the floors, vacumes the carpert, and cleans the toilets. She deals more than I do with getting the kids down at night, though our two oldest seem a bit more capable of getting themselves to bed.
For me intimacy has always been achieved through sex. I feel closer to my wife when we're having sex. I want to have sex with her all the time. I'm crazy about her, and very much attracted to her. I can't look at her naked without wanting to make love to her. I can't lay in bed and touch her without my wanting it to lead to us having sex. Sometimes she needs to know I'm ok with not always having sex. Even if our touching excites me, and I find myself erect and in mood, I shouldn't feel that it always needs to lead to sex. Sometimes she just wants to snuggle together, but unfortunately when I snuggle with her and she feels an erect penis pressed against her backside, she believes I'm only snuggling with her hoping that it will lead to us having sex.
I like to flirt, tease, and engage in sexual inuendo with my wife. I like to build on sexual energy and once we get to a time and place where the bottle can be uncorked, I want us to ravage each other. But when I do what I've been doing, my wife doesn't hear anything remotely associated with greater intimacy and emotional connection. She views anything I do as a means to have sex. When I complain about not feeling emotionally connected with her, all she hears is me complaining about a lack of sex.
I have come across as a needy person. Someone that is screaming at her to pay more attention to me. But what I fail to realize that I am adding to the pressure and the burden she feels in dealing with three small kids, and a neurotic mother. I become must another thing she has to take care of. And what I need to realize is that she has needs too, and she needs to feel as though someone is taking care of her needs, but on a much more emotional level. And when someone is caring for her emotionally, then that is when she opens herself up to the physical intimacy I hope to share with her.
Based on what our counselor has told us, married couples average sex about once or twice a month. If you expect more, you have to make plans for it. There need to be date nights, and times where the mom and dad can connect without the kids running interference.
I miss being spontaneous and often resent her for what I perceive as missed opportunities. But I'm not really being realistic in thinking that every moment we're without our kids should be spent with us naked between the sheets or on the stairs. Those are times that she can get some of the things done around the house that are nearly impossible to take care of when our kids are constantly pulling at her to help them with this or that.
In the past I have resented her "girls night out" ventures, thinking she preferred to spend time with her friends instead of being home with me. But what I failed to realize is that while she's out with her girlfriends, she's able to enjoy time with them without feeling the need to tend so someone's neediness. Its down time for her. Time for her to enjoy without kids or a horny husband begging for some attention.
There's a saying....."if Momma ain't happy, then nobody's happy!"
I didn't get that till just recently.
Men take care of your wives. Women, remember what makes your husband feel connected to you.
Men and women are wired very differently. We men feel most connected when we're being sexual with our wives. Women feel most connected when their emotional needs are being met by their husbands.
Men, you can't have what you want, unless your significant other is getting what she wants and needs. But here's the rub.....
Can you be mature enough and man enough to put her priorities and needs ahead of your own?
I've often felt I'd be more than willing to do what my wife needed if only she would jump my bones more often. If she wasn't going to do that, then there was no way in hell I was going to bend over and give her what she needed. We have to get away from this mindset of "tit for tat"
I really can't comment on the lack of desire husband's seem to have for their wives. I'm the opposite. I have an incredible amount of sexual desire for my wife. I have wanted to feel the same from her towards me. But even though I'm a good looking man, with a great body even at 45 years old, seeing me naked in the shower doesn't make my wife want to jump my bones.
With regards to my my husband's 2 testosterone shots not working, his Dr. finally replied saying, "Try one more and we can check your level. If in nl range and still having libido issues, may not be from low testosterone". I've finally gotten my husband to agree to ask his Dr. for a referral. You've mentioned he should see a TRT specialist. Is an Endrocronologist what you are referring to? What kind of Dr. should my husband request to see? Does a TRT specialist deal with sperm count, viability, etc..as well? Finally, if his libido is not corellated to Testosterone, what other possibilities might we be looking at? And if not T, might I be out of luck having sex more than 3 tiimes a mo. for the rest of my life? How do I email you directly?
libido is almost always tied to hormone levels. TRT specilists are generaly GPs who have taken mens health as their specility. Yes the often do fertility too. Look in your yellow pages and normaly they have the specility on their add, or goto www.allthingsmale.com and ask their doctor for a referal.
I am in the same boat as Llamatibut and many others. I, too, would like to know the same thing Ohmymy asked: Does anyone have any positive results to share? I am 37, my husband of 7 years is 34. We have been going through this also, since right after we got married. Before that, he couldn't keep his hands off me, he was always full of physical attention for me....Now, all I can ever think about is when is this ever going to change? I have asked my husband to go to a sex therapist with me and he refuses. I understand all of the aspects that would cause him to say no but without him, I think I would look pretty stupid going by myself and that wouldn't accomplish anything anyway because he is the one that doesn't ever want to have sex, not me! I try so hard to be understanding and then I feel so resentful when I think of the times that he had opportunity but, instead, wanted to go out and do something with friends (he takes me with him and then says he spent time with me). I have come to realize that he doesn't think of sex as being as important as I do; however, when I tell him that it hurts me, I don't understand how he can continue without making any changes to better the situation. There are a lot of women on here with the same problem and I can't believe down to the exact specific details. For example, my husband makes the excuses I have heard others say and we only have sex 1, 2, or 3 times a month and it is always a couple of days after I have the "talk" that someone else mentioned also... It is really eery that the details are exact compared to what so many others are saying in their posts - I think the porn finally stopped when I almost had a nervous breakdown I think he realized how much that hurt me - at least from what I can tell I think it has stopped - I know he isn't cheating on me and I would never him either - So, why hasn't someone told us what to do yet??? For me, and I am presuming everyone else, it is hard to fix something when you don't know what it is. My husband had all the tests run and the doctor told us that all of the labs on the panel were normal. My husband thinks he doesn't need to go to a doctor again. He thinks all he needs to do is exercise. We are both about 20-30 lbs overweight - the average American - but where I am very active otherwise, my husband drives a truck all day, comes home, eats supper, lays on the couch watching tv for an a bit (no more than an hour usually) and goes to bed. I know his routine like a clock. What can I do to help him change the routine to include more sex???????? Someone please give some advice that will help!
That's a very cute name you have chosen, “I like!” :)
I think that there might be some ideas that I could share with you that hopefully you'll find helpful and possibly these ideas will also be helpful to some of the other's as well.
I agree with you about there being similarities and I have recently been coming across a lot of mention about Internet porn, excessive for some. The awful feelings that you're coping with are definitely not uncommon and it is important to find ways of expressing your feelings where other's relate. But you wrote that you are fairly sure that he has stopped and/or it is a lot less frequent then when you had been aware of him choosing to do that. Maybe he did realize how much it was hurting you.
Are either of you taking an antidepressant medication?
All SSRI's demolish sexual desire and cause all variations of sexual dysfunction as I am sure you are aware. SSRI's will affect a mans sexual performance in some of the rudest of ways and can cause for potentially harming his confidence even if the medication isn't taken any longer. Antidepressant medication sometimes causes persistent sexual side effects even once the meds. Are no longer taken and what is scarier is that sometimes these sexual side effect have been known to be indefinite. (This condition is called Post SSRI sexual Dysfunction - PSSD) If it is that either or both of you are taking an SSRI there maybe awful withdrawal symptoms that can be long lasting. There is a web site that is very informative and helpful that provides a tapering schedule that is unique to the medication your are discontinuing. Incase you may find this information helpful at some point – www.theroadback.org
Does your husband exercise regularly?
Do you ever exercise together in anyway – biking – hiking - etc?
If he does not exercise regularly what exercise might he be getting with his daily routine or by any other means?
Could it apply that he may be very displeased, unhappy thus self conscious of his current body image since having put on weight?
How do you currently feel about your body image?
What is your opinion of his current body image?
What do you guess would be his current opinion of your body image?
How long into your 7 year marriage do you remember beginning to gain weight?
When do you recall it was that your sexual relations began to change in any way over the course of your seven year marriage?
If it is so that your husband had his testosterone levels checked and they were of normal range it is not wise to encourage him to take testosterone treatments.
(If you could find a doctor who would prescribe such a treatment)
Hormone replacement therapy is a bit of a risky business even for men who need it . Hormone therapy for men does not have the history as hormone replacement therapy in women. There is evidence that testosterone therapy is linked to prostate cancer.
Your husband is too young to be needing to take such a risk, “ in my opinion.”
Regarding counseling if he is not willing to see a sex therapist right now then maybe he would be willing to go to couples therapy. Your relationship could really benefit from improving your communication skills. So you can both have the opportunity to learn ways to say what you need to say in a way that the other can hear it.
Men see the world entirely different then women and difficulties communicating is completely natural for couples to have incredible struggles with this.
There are also many resources you can find online to give you some helpful strategies for effective communication.
It could be a quick way for you to begin doing better right away.
It seems to me that your husband might be stuck in a quandary because he is overwhelmed with how it is that he can make you happy. When a man loves his woman there is nothing greater then him knowing he's made you happy and the flip side of that coin is not at all good. Because when your husband can no longer find the ways to brighten your eyes and cause for smile he feels like a failure and that isn't a good feeling for women either but it is terrible way for a man to feel.
I cannot believe I am here and clueless where to start. I am a 39yr old F and have just broke up with my boyfriend again after 6.5 yrs. We broke up several times throughout the relationship, 3 times for 3months. I dont know if my ex has a real medical problem or a closet problem. I almost lean torwads not gay but at this point I feel like I dont know anything. I am a very sexual passionate person who has to ask for sex just to get shot down or answered to "yes" and it never happen. I walk on eggshells thinking how will I approach him, what will I say. We never have make-up sex, we may do it 3-4 times a year. Im sick of this, I cannot keep beating myself up thinking something is wrong with me, I gained 50lbs out of emotional eating which I'm sure doesnt help me at all. But if it is the fat thing then why does he get back with me? So unhappy I cannot be with the one I love because he will not have sex with me, we fight about it and end up over. He says nothing is wrong with him and its the pills. He takes pain meds but our problem started before he was taking meds. If you love your partner you will have sex with them because it makes them happy but I can tell you that even when my ex had sex with me and I knew he didnt want to it sucked anyway so stressed through the whole thing I can never have an orgasim. Then theres the gay possibility, ehhhhhh help.
Why me? How can I just find out the truth. I have asked but he only got mad and says of course not. I can never ask now because he would just blow up. He has this thing about dressing everything has to be neat and perfect, ok so hes in touch with his feminine side right? I know he likes looking at women, even 2 women having sex together like on porn dvds, what does that mean? I catch him looking at other woman and I have become so jealous because why does he want to loook at anybody esle but me? I'm right here but nothing I do ever got his attention, no matter how nice I dress, or not dress, very little clothes, sexy things, hair, makeup...nothing works. I can be as sweet as he wants, do everything he wants and sacrifice so much but nothing. Even on my birthday he couldnt have sex with me. So we are done for now....I dont want to go back because I know what I'm getting or should I say what Im not getting. 6.5 years down the drain...I had always hoped it would change...If I have been with a gay guy all this time I will be so &%$$#@@ pissed off. I think I have a right to know...I think his friends are the same..closet...I dont trust him around men or women..I am depressed and sick over this. I have hit rock bottom, all I do is take pain meds myself which is a whole other topic in itself. I feel like I lost everything. I'm sorry for rambling, thanks for letting there be a place like this to just express and see that we are not alone. Thanks
All you can do is change YOU. Work on yourself right now. Outside of a relationship, what makes you happy? A friend, reading, movies, cooking, activities? A pain in the butt, but exercising makes you healthier, feel good and a great stress reliever. Do activities that make you feel good about yourself.
You already know how highly addictive pain med's are...a temporary escape which makes you feel guilty afterwards, thus you take more...a vicious cycle. I take Perc. occas. for a medical cond. so I know how easy it would be to cross that line, things are bad today, I deserve it. Work on this before you tackle the relationship issue. Do you have a friend that you can lean on for support through all this?
As women, we often try to blame ourselves as it's what WE can control. It's NOT your fault! It's not because you think you're too this or too that. You shouldn't have to try so hard to get his attention with perfect hair, make up, clothes, etc.. You shouldn't have to do everything he says or sacrifice who you are to get his attention. Doing nice things is wonderful, but not if you're trying to get something in return. It's nice to look good for your guy, but not as a way to get him to need you. And if that's the case, he's not a keeper. You are good enough & deep down you know it's not you. My situation (written in previous questions above) are regarding my husband's lack of sex drive. The more I complain or get pissed the more he withdraws, thus I get even less.
I'm no expert, but it seems as if far more is happening with your x that has nothing to do with you. It could be so many things...stress, depression, addiction, med's (pain pills kill the sex drive & depress you too), an imbalance in hormones or something medical. Your x may have some inner turmoil he's trying to deal with. Maybe it is his sexual preference, but I cannot speculate on that, nor can I tell you how to find out.
Just know woman to woman, It's not you! Carry on with your life and try and be happy. If it's meant to be, it will be. He has to work through whatever he is battling. If he continues to believe nothing is wrong, what is he to fix? Only he can change himself.
I don't think 6+ years is a waste. Haven't you learned a lot?...what you do & don't want for your future? I spent 13 years with the same guy in abusive relationship. A lot of resentment, but I am thankful for what I learned. I found out what I wanted & needed for my future. Keep writing! ~ C
Well am I glad to know I'm not the only one with a man like this! I've been with him for 25 years and there's not much physical intimacy in this relationship. I was pregnant when we got married, so he bowed out of sex saying he was afraid of hurting me. We have had good sex - when we have it. I had sex and physical intimacy more frequently in prior relationships. Not only does my husband have little interest in sex, he won't even snuggle in bed. For the past year I moved into the guest room because I'm tired of feeling lonely lying next to him. I feel less lonely when I'm alone. I don't know the reasons he acts the way he does. I know he masturbates in the shower and once I came home unexpectedly and found him masturbating on the couch to naked pictures he'd taken of me. Maybe he's the type that prefers anonymous sex vs intimacy. I even wonder if he's gay. I asked him once and he didn't respond. His father and mother seemed to have a decent relationship, but she told me once how his father hated women in general. I think some of those attitudes filtered down to my husband so I wonder if withholding sex is a way to be in control.
I've come close to having an affair a time or two because of my loneliness. When I was on anti-depressants for a few years I had no sex drive so it didn't bother me so much. I've dragged him to marriage counseling more times than I care to admit. It never had lasting results because he only conformed while being held accountable. Once counseling ended, he reverted back to his old ways. He's a stubborn, self-centered man when it comes to relationships - he has no desire to improve our relationship. He sits and watches TV and acts as if marriage and parenting as spectator sports. After spending this much time together - for the sake of the children, who are now grown - I'm torn between getting the hell out vs. the old adage of "better the devil you know, than the one you don't."
To you younger people on this posting, I offer this. Unless your man feels its a problem for him, he will never change or take action to make lasting changes. Choose your priorities now, or you'll be sleeping in the guest room like me after 25 years.
My boyfriend (25 y/o) and I (19 y/o) are having almost exactly the same problems. We have been together for a year. We were originally only interested in the sex (which was quite good) but after about three months we thought we'd try our hand at a relationship. We were both very sexually active people. About a month after being together though, the sex started to decline in frequency. All the sudden I was wanting it and getting turned down! So it lessened to a few times a month, then never. We now haven't had sex in three months.
My boyfriend used to exercise a lot - 6 hours a night, several nights a week. He stopped about 5 months prior to meeting me. When he started showing disinterest in sex, he had not been physically active for about 6 months. Then, one night since I've known him, he's gone out and exercised and when he came home he was quite willing to hop into bed.
My question is, could this be the problem? I am not sure what the relationship between testosterone and exercise is, but the timing seems too coincidental.
He is currently taking an herbal supplement (Horny Goat Weed) because it is supposed to help with sexual appitite unlike Viagra, which just gives you an erection. We have not noticed any difference. So if exercise isn't the problem, is our only other option TRT?
Before we even begin looking into shots, I would like to know roughly how expensive it gets. We are both college students and we just had a baby so money is a bit tight. My boyfriend does not have medical insurance. Are we looking at thousands of dollars a year???
Our baby was born about three weeks ago and as soon as my doctor gives me the green light for sex, it will be very hard not to tackle him and rip off his clothes. The way things are right now, that would just end in a lot of crying and yelling. Please help!
Just found out about this great book coming out in Jan. 1st, 2008 called, The Sex-Starved Wife: What to Do When He's Lost Desire, by Michele Weiner Davis. I can't wait to get my hands on it. I'll let you know if it's any good. At this point, anyththings worth a shot. ~ C
OMG I thouht it was just me, my husband would rather watch porn and masterbate than have sex with me, I get it maybe once or twice a week and I'm soooooooooo sexualy fustrated he's not even affectionate towards me like he use to be, he says he's not cheating and wouldn't have married me if he didn't want me but I'm a lil depressed sometimes, I acuse him of cheating which I don't really know if he is I mean I personaly think its cheating when u lusting aftr these other porn chics and not ur own wife, I think sometimes he don't want me, I've threatened to leave him but he always seems to make me stay and I get soooo mad when I don't get any but find out he's been looking at porn wtf, idk what to do?
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