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Sexuality & Relationships (Expert Forum)
My Sexual Drive just isn't there anymore?
Answered by
Janice M Epp, PhD - Female sexual issues, Adolescent sexuality, Male sexual issues
Private Practice
Palo Alto - CA
This forum is for questions and support regarding relationship issues such as: Abstinence, Arousal Problems, Birth Control, Cohabitation, Commitment, Communication, Couples Counseling, Desire /Lack of Desire, Sexual Technique.
My Sexual Drive just isn't there anymore?
by Jackie23290, Feb 11, 2009 07:51PM
I am 22 years old. I have been married for almost 3 years now. I have 2 kids, ages 10 months and 3 years old. I have been having some sexual problems for the past almost 3 years now. I have a thyroid condition where sometimes it is too high or too low. I am on medicine. Before and while I was pregnant with my now 3 year old I loved having sex all the time. Now it's almost like a chore for me. I have tried different birth controls, four play. I don't know what my problem is. I love being with my husband, it's just like my sex drive is gone. What can I do? What could my problem be?
Doctor's Answer
by Janice M Epp, PhD, Feb 13, 2009 06:06PM
, Feb 13, 2009 06:06PM
First of all, you’re not alone. This feeling happens to most of us at some time in our lives. We often go through periods where our desires may take a break. Please know that there’s nothing “wrong” with you; you’re just human.
Sexual desire is a very tenuous thing: it can come and go many times—and the more you worry about it, the worse you’ll feel. Remember that anxiety is the enemy of desire. So first, give yourself permission to feel just the way you do.
There! Feel a little better? Now you need to decide on your second step.
There is no magic formula for how to increase your desire. Everyone is different, and I can’t tell you anything about yourself because I don’t know you. You know yourself best, and I suspect if you examine your past experiences, messages you got about sex and your feelings about your current relationship, you’ll have some insights into what’s going on. Plus you're probably exhausted. You have 2 kids, and they take up most of your energy. I'm amazed that you even have the time to write this post!
Please realize that now that you're a parent, your life is different, and your sexuality will, at times, take a back seat. This does mean that you'll never have sexual energy again, but right now, while your kids are young, there's probably not a whole lot of room in your life. Only you can figure out ways in which you can begin to nurture your sexual self again.
Of course, I have some suggestions too.
Figure out if there are several times a week when you can have some time to yourself--just to pamper yourself and spend some down time. For instance: Take a long, leisurely bath and just enjoy feeling sensual. Buy yourself something sexy and wear it. Get an erotic DVD and make a date with your partner to watch it. Afterwards, share what turned you on and make a date to try it.
And, of course, many other factors besides kids can influence desire. You might also examine what else has been happening in your life that may have affected you. Are you content with yourself, with your life, with your relationship? Are there any family or work crises? And how’s your physical health? There are numerous medical conditions that can also contribute to lack of desire.
Are you anxious? If you’re feeling anxious or unsure of yourself, your desire for sex will be affected. Or you may have conflicting feelings about being sexual, based on earlier issues in your life. Or you may actually FEEL desire, but suppress it, due to feeling conflicted. Are you aware of any reasons you may have for avoiding sex with others?
There could be other reasons you’re not turned on: If you’re worried about pleasing your partner, rather than just enjoying the pleasure of it, this can be a turn-off. The other message that many of us receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure.
And, of course, there’s the whole issue of your partner's attitudes and behaviors and whether any of those are affecting your desire. Is sex mostly about HIS pleasure rather than yours?
I’m also wondering whether you are still having any kind of sexual fantasies—apart from your relationship—and whether you’re self-pleasuring. If you’re still interested in sex in general, apart from your relationship, this could be an indicator that it’s the relationship that’s problematic, not sex in and of itself.
So, to recap: aside from low energy, you may have negative attitudes about sex in general, or you may have performance issues or be bored or frustrated. Think about the issues I’ve raised and see if any are true for you. Remember not to put pressure on yourself. I’m wondering what YOU think is contributing to this and whether you’ve taken any actions to try to change it. You’ve probably got more insight than you realize. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
Sexual desire is a very tenuous thing: it can come and go many times—and the more you worry about it, the worse you’ll feel. Remember that anxiety is the enemy of desire. So first, give yourself permission to feel just the way you do.
There! Feel a little better? Now you need to decide on your second step.
There is no magic formula for how to increase your desire. Everyone is different, and I can’t tell you anything about yourself because I don’t know you. You know yourself best, and I suspect if you examine your past experiences, messages you got about sex and your feelings about your current relationship, you’ll have some insights into what’s going on. Plus you're probably exhausted. You have 2 kids, and they take up most of your energy. I'm amazed that you even have the time to write this post!
Please realize that now that you're a parent, your life is different, and your sexuality will, at times, take a back seat. This does mean that you'll never have sexual energy again, but right now, while your kids are young, there's probably not a whole lot of room in your life. Only you can figure out ways in which you can begin to nurture your sexual self again.
Of course, I have some suggestions too.
Figure out if there are several times a week when you can have some time to yourself--just to pamper yourself and spend some down time. For instance: Take a long, leisurely bath and just enjoy feeling sensual. Buy yourself something sexy and wear it. Get an erotic DVD and make a date with your partner to watch it. Afterwards, share what turned you on and make a date to try it.
And, of course, many other factors besides kids can influence desire. You might also examine what else has been happening in your life that may have affected you. Are you content with yourself, with your life, with your relationship? Are there any family or work crises? And how’s your physical health? There are numerous medical conditions that can also contribute to lack of desire.
Are you anxious? If you’re feeling anxious or unsure of yourself, your desire for sex will be affected. Or you may have conflicting feelings about being sexual, based on earlier issues in your life. Or you may actually FEEL desire, but suppress it, due to feeling conflicted. Are you aware of any reasons you may have for avoiding sex with others?
There could be other reasons you’re not turned on: If you’re worried about pleasing your partner, rather than just enjoying the pleasure of it, this can be a turn-off. The other message that many of us receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure.
And, of course, there’s the whole issue of your partner's attitudes and behaviors and whether any of those are affecting your desire. Is sex mostly about HIS pleasure rather than yours?
I’m also wondering whether you are still having any kind of sexual fantasies—apart from your relationship—and whether you’re self-pleasuring. If you’re still interested in sex in general, apart from your relationship, this could be an indicator that it’s the relationship that’s problematic, not sex in and of itself.
So, to recap: aside from low energy, you may have negative attitudes about sex in general, or you may have performance issues or be bored or frustrated. Think about the issues I’ve raised and see if any are true for you. Remember not to put pressure on yourself. I’m wondering what YOU think is contributing to this and whether you’ve taken any actions to try to change it. You’ve probably got more insight than you realize. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
