My husband doesn't care for sex anymore.

[Happily Married?]

Happily Married?..or so I want to believe. My husband and I are married for 1 year 8 months. We had a great sex life initially and now we don't have sex for weeks!!..i always have the desire to..but my husband seldom initiates it. If i try to initiate sex, his most likely reply is "no" "im sleepy" "im working" etc...Besides this our life is great..he hugs me, cuddles me, we go out for lunches and dinners..he calls me several times a day. I did think he may be cheating...but i doubt that.
One thing i do know is that he secretly fantasizes some female actors. I've seen him browse thru their pics and i've also found evidence of him surfing porn on my computer. I guess he just masturbates looking at this stuff..coz he'll sit in the restroom with his laptop for long minutes. may be that satisfies him?..what about me?..i tried talking to him, but he denies it and doesnt take it seriously. And to top it all, he calls me a "horny toad" if i want sex. I dont feel very good about this whole thing. Im 27 and he's 31. When we have sex, we are always doing it in the same old position...no oral sex ever or any other position. At times i feel he just does it for the sake of doing it. I do every thing..laundry, cooking, cleaning..etc..and listen to him al the time..pretty much live by his rules. what's going on here :( Im in tears, plz help me!

[concernedwifeAR]

A related discussion, why hubby doesnt keep erection? was started.

[Bubbles bon bon]

I'm not actually married but have lived with my partner for fiteen years. For the first seven years we made love every single day and never missed once, then things started to slow down, then we went for four years without making love.When I try to discuss it he says he doesn't feel like it. Then he admitted that he cannot even feel aroused when a good looking woman hugged him. I am 59 and he is 55 but there is nothing wrong with my desire, I just think that he doesn't care for me anymore. Even when he talks to other women I feel jealous because he talks saucily, which he never does with me and I just feel abandoned and I don't know what to do. He still cuddles up in bed but when I touch him he puls away. I have tried everything, the sexy clothes, soft music, even soft porn. I feel lost.

[LRC503]

I feel just like the original post.  I am beside myself.  My husband and I have been married for 3 years.  We never had a lot of sex...we have opposite work hours and our work hours change frequently..and we didn't make time to be intimate with each other.  I think that is why there was a lack of sex to begin with.  We have been having problems since February...when he told me he didn't know if he wanted to married anymore...he thought that was what I wanted.  BUT I didn't.  He is the love of my life...and I couldn't imagine not being married to him.  This has been the worst time of my life.  We have gone back and forth on several issues why he thought that.  I admit there was a lot of miscommunication...but I think that is all taken care of.  He says he loves, he cares about, he is in love with me and thinks I am sexy, smart, pretty, etc...he just doesn't want to have sex...and if he can't have sex then he doesn't know if we should stay married...basically.  I know he looks at porn.  He did until he threw out the mags recently and I am not sure about the computer, but I am sure he does.  He is terribly stressed right now with work, our situation and major family problems with his family.  I love my husband, I have tried initiating sex, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.  I told him he will have to do it, because it has caused me too much pain.  I don't know what to do.  I am seeing a marriage counselor...my husband goes occassionally...I have even thought of a sex therapist.  He seems to be depressed.  My therapist thinks he is and needs to talk to someone himself and perhaps try an antidepressant.  I know there isn't someone else. I just dont' know what to do.  We dont' go out...we have rarely gone out the entire time we have been married.  He doestn't like crowds, etc...He sleeps a lot, stays up late, only goes to work, mows the lawn and blogs.......Seems like the more I talk about it..the more I hear of these same issues.  Anymore advice?????

[Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D.]

     It may be that his erotic turn ons are not linked up with his emotional commitment to you.  He seems to live more in his fantasy life than in reality. Even thought you say you are happily married, it doesn't sound like it to me. He denies you sexual access to him, he insults you ( 'horny toad') he is not sexually imaginative with you, and he creates a secret sexual life in the bathroom. Excuse me, but it hardly sounds idyllic to me. Furthermore, it is not a small, 'side' issue. Your sexual life is important- but even more important is honesty, sharing and not keeping someone off balance and worried about what is going on .

    Since he will not talk to you, you should let him know how unhappy you are and that is affecting the relationship's happiness and stability. Tell him you want to go to counseling with him to see how to get your sexual interests and frequency in sync. If he won't go- that is an important fact.  If he loves you, he should agree to work on this. In any case, even if he doesn't want to go, you should go and get some more insight on what  is really going on. No one should be in a marriage where their self esteem and natural instincts for connection and sexuality are thwarted.

[dkm123]

First of all, to try and give answers bsed on one side of a short paragraph is nearly impossibe. But, I can give you a man's point of view.  A man CAN be low on testosterone and still help himself. Just putting that out there.  There are many things that can cause a man to lose intrest. Although you might think them unfair and trivial these do matter. Spending habits... do you spend regardless of your income? Are his spending habits different than yours and you do not compromise? What are your personal habits like?  Does he come home to find you like you just woke up?(trivial and unfair but it is an issue) Are you clean? Do you take the time to appeal to him? Do you make fun of him to others or to him? Do you disagree with him alot? In other words look into yourself first to see if you are giving him reasons. You may not be. Check into testosterone therapy. Even if he is in the normal range he may be low normal and can be brought up to the high end of normal. It works. It did for me. Unfortunately men are physical in nature. We don't like it but we are. That is why we stare. We know we are doing it and try to stop but it is in our nature. I have often told my wife that once we adults have our children there should be a way where we become like fixed cats, happy to lay on the porch with each other. Life would be better that way. Try new things. Shaving your personal area can have a great impact, try it if you don't already.  Get him to shave, he will like it too. Its different and feels great when you two are together. Good luck and hope it works out.

[K4L]

Just to add - maybe try some natural aphrodisiacs like pumpkin seeds.

[K4L]

Porn can desensitise so that it isn't very helpful at all.

My husband doesn't iniate at all. I try to be attractive but I still have to make the first move. He seems to have less desire that I. I always do what he asks and make it a visual feast (men love that)but it doesn't seem to last long. It will be like "Woah" and then he goes flat again. Maybe there is just too much else on his mind.

[housewife in need]

i know what you are talking about.my husband is the same way.we'll come to the computer and look at porn but when it's time for sex i have to start it,everytime for four years now.he says i am sexy and he wants to but he just don't think about sex.that's why he says he looks at porn to get it in his head so he can come to me and ready not the other way around but the porn don't work either.he'll sit there watching porn forever and we still won't have sex.we have talked about it and talked about it and he says i am nagging or i just think about sex to much.but i don't see the problem with wanting to have sex with my husband.he does work all the time and i am a housewife.so that could be it.and i am 27 and he is 37.could be it to.or he would rather watch porn,i don't know if someone could tell us the answer it would be better.and we are the same way.we go out ot eat and talk all day,we cuddle,he takes real good care of me and his family.he just don't want sex....which i guess that's a good thing kinda,we don't have to worry about them cheating cause they don't want sex. or less it's just with us,who knows,all we can do is keep tring,be there for them and pray about it.good luck to you.

[JeffinNC]

At first I was going to say for him to have his testosterone level checked, but I feel there is something else going on here. If he is having a medical problem (testosterone deficiency) he will not only not want sex from you but he will also not care to masterbate or want sex from anyone. Don't want to scare you or accuse him of being unfaithful but it seems this could be the case. Just my opinion but I am just trying to help.

[Sky_ler]

I know what you are going through.  I was in a relationship with a guy that watched porn.  The thing is some guys are addicted to porn.  I'm not saying that's your husbands case but it sounds like it could be to me.  My ex and I were the same way you describe your relationship with your husband.  We were great together except he wanted less and less sexual activity from me.  I also agree that it could be that something medical might be wrong and could be bothering him.  You need to be serious with him and tell him it's not because you want to have sex all the time but you are concerned.  If he really is addicted to the porn then try to work it out.  I hope it works out for you.