This forum is for questions and support regarding relationship issues such as: Abstinence, Arousal Problems, Birth Control, Cohabitation, Commitment, Communication, Couples Counseling, Desire /Lack of Desire, Sexual Technique.
I just wonder how long time does it consider to be a normal for a man to ejaculate? we have been married for 3 years. I love my husband and he loves me too. We have healthy relationship. With respect to sexual life, we enjoy it, and I love to have sex with my husband.
The only problem is that it takes my husband long time to *** (sometime it takes around +2 hours). Most of the time, he needs to rest and then complete. Also, he prefers not have sex more than once a week!
I try not to complain so I dont stress him, but after long time I get hurt, and he can see that.
My question: is that normal? is there is a way to make him come faster? pls note that we try different positions and foreplay. (He does Not have any problem in getting excited or stay hard... it just seems he get close to come but never reach it.. asif something is stuck there or cant get out).
I understand that the sex is an experince and the most important thing is the enjoyment but am also TTC.
First, when it comes to sex, there's no such thing as "normal." All of us are different.
I'm wondering if your husband considers this a problem, or whether it's fine for him. If he doesn't consider it a problem, I'm wondering why you consider it such. Can you let go of trying to fit him into some sort of "normal" box?
However, it may also be that something is causing him to be inhibited. There are several factors that can inhibit orgasm, including: not being turned on enough, stress, distracting thoughts. However, the most common factor is not being able to let go because of early negative messages about sex. Some men are very affected by cultural or family messages that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes and that women who enjoy sex are somehow “dirty” or “evil.” Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure. Now your partner may be feeling inadequate and embarrassed. And most likely, he’s become depressed. Depression can rob a person of their ability to take action.
In addition to that negative message, men receive so many messages from society, advertising, family, movies, television, magazines, friends, books, religion, (the list is endless) about what “should” happen between two people that when it comes down to having sex, a man may equate sex with “performance” and pleasing his partner, rather than just relaxing and enjoying the pleasure himself. Everything is goal-oriented—like a football game, so when erections or orgasms don’t happen on command, their confidence and self-esteem are affected.
One other possibility is that in addition to feelings of discomfort about sex, he may have gotten used to a self-pleasuring pattern in which he needs maximum stimulation in order to have an orgasm--stimulation that's very difficult to receive during penis-vagina sex. If that's so, the best way to short-circuit those negative messages and allow one's self to get more easily turned on is to use the very effective tool of sexual fantasy. If he conjures up a very hot fantasy in his mind, it may just be the trick to put him over the edge, so to speak.
The next step is to talk with your partner regarding how the two of you can make this work for the both of you. The most helpful attitude is “what can we do TOGETHER to make this work for both of us?” Remember to share only your feelings; don’t attack him or accuse him. This process involves problem-solving as a team. If you put your heads together, you might be able to work out a creative solution. Ask him to share more of his memories of negative messages and then ask him to talk about his current attitudes about sex. Sometimes it’s easier to let go of misinformation received in childhood if the adult verbalizes that they no longer believe that. My guess is that once you two get comfortable talking with each other about sex, you’ll find that it’s not only intimate, but fun too. Think of this as a fun way to get to know each other better, and it won’t seem so daunting.
Another thing that might help him is to get some accurate information about male sexuality. I highly recommend the book “The New Male Sexuality,” by Bernie Zilbergeld, Ph.D., widely available online both used and in paperback. This book has helped thousands of men to better understand themselves—and women too! Best of luck to you. Dr. J
Hello Dr. J for your reply :)
I will look for the book online :).
As I said in my previous note, I dont complain because I dont want to stress him. Though, taking long time makes him uncomfortable and in most times I get scratches after long IC.
My suggestion is to have him think about the best sex he has EVER had and go with that and encourage him to finish. This is most likely a short term result but it might jump start him to finish quicker when it starts to hurt you.
"One other possibility is that in addition to feelings of discomfort about sex, he may have gotten used to a self-pleasuring pattern in which he needs maximum stimulation in order to have an orgasm--stimulation that's very difficult to receive during penis-vagina sex. "
This is the problem right here... Rubbing away the sensitivity in the penis head. It can be done if one does not know how to masturbate properly. It shouldn't take 2 hours to reach ejaculation, not receiving sufficient stimulation from the vagina...
Thank yo for your reply. I will tell him to do that. Sometimes he comes wtin 20 minutes. Most times it takes hiim around 1 hour.
I agree ith you that maybe part of it that he used to do it himself. He seems he enjoy it but I have no idea to what extend he is. He is a good lover, but the only issue that I get hurt when it takes so long.
If you think he's always going to take a long time to finish, the only thing I can suggest is constantly re-lubricating yourself during the sex. Maybe that will take less friction off and not leave you so sore once it's all over.
i think your husband is just fine. thats how a man wants to be. As you mentioned somtime he comes in 20 mintues this shows that he is normal. I am the same way when it comes to sex and i am also married male. all you need is just to lubricate your vagina more. you can just use a little sprikle of water on your husband penis in every 15 minutes or so
As Dr janice mentioned that (when it comes to sex, there's no such thing as "normal." All of us are different)
The Content on this Site is presented in a summary fashion, and is intended to be used for educational and entertainment purposes only. It is not intended to be and should not be interpreted as medical advice or a diagnosis of any health or fitness problem, condition or disease; or a recommendation for a specific test, doctor, care provider, procedure, treatment plan, product, or course of action. Med Help International, Inc. is not a medical or healthcare provider and your use of this Site does not create a doctor / patient relationship. We disclaim all responsibility for the professional qualifications and licensing of, and services provided by, any physician or other health providers posting on or otherwise referred to on this Site and/or any Third Party Site. Never disregard the medical advice of your physician or health professional, or delay in seeking such advice, because of something you read on this Site. We offer this Site AS IS and without any warranties. By using this Site you agree to the following Terms and Conditions. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your physician or 911 immediately.