This forum is for questions and support regarding relationship issues such as: Abstinence, Arousal Problems, Birth Control, Cohabitation, Commitment, Communication, Couples Counseling, Desire /Lack of Desire, Sexual Technique.
Before my husband and I got married we had sex every day. Sometimes more than once in a day. All of a sudden I got pregnant and the sex slowly diminshed. We eventually got married and had our baby who is now 5 1/2 months old. We don't really have time for sex because my husband works all the time and by the time he gets home I'm very tired and lazy. He asks me constantly to have sex. I sometimes give in. Everytime he sees me in panties or just plain ugly pajamas he wants it. I on the other hand just want to sit down and relax from taking care of our daughter all day. He takes a shower every morning and if I don't have sex with him he goes and jacks off in the shower(and thats pretty much every morning). I feel like I don't get horny anymore like I used to. In the end of it all I don't want to push him away but thats what it's been like ever since we had our baby. Another thing we are both still young and explains part of the reason why he is horny all the time. Can someone help me to solve why I'm like this and why he just wants to have sex like everyday? Is it cause I spoiled him while we were boyfriend and girlfriend?
Your feelings are understandable. Babies are tiring and one of the most common reasons for not wanting sex is fatigue. You are emotionally and physically tired. You need a break. If your husband wants you to be interested and willing, he needs to find a way to help you with the baby or you need to get family or friends to take over every once in a while so you can have some fun , relaxing times that give you back energy and sex drive.
On the other hand, he may be masturbating a lot because he feels shut out of your life. It is normal and healthy for either men or women to masturbate-and you shouldn't begrudge him taking care of his sexual appetites-- especially when you aren't available. In fact encourage him and be happy for him that he is sexually alive and pleasing himself. Perhaps you can participate by watching him , or touching him yourself. Most men will find that sexy and even intimate-- and you can help him feel sexy and unwanted without having sex with him if you are not in the mood.
But one other thing-- and it worries me. You said "Is it cause I spoiled him while we were boyfriend and girlfriend?" Did you have a lot of sex with him then? Did you enjoy it -or were you doing it just for him? It's not "spoiling " someone to have a great sex life with them-- unless you were lying to him and pretending to enjoy it- and not really enjoying it. If you led him to believe you had a sex drive that you did not have--that's not fair. Why wouldn't he imagine that your sex life from before would continue- at least in some similar manner? Naturally, he needs to make accomodation for the stress that a baby injects into your married life-- but you both need to find out how to handle that- and make room for each other. Maybe it's not sex every day--but it can't be rare-and a "favor" at that. Guard your sex life together- or it will have a negative impact on the relationship. If you need to, seek counseling so you canfind a good compromise that pleases you both. Sex isn't just about sex. It's about intimacy, bonding, sharing and love.
Don't neglect it-but don't fake it. Find ways to increase your sexual play together- and decrease the impact the baby has on your life. You need to be strong as a couple to be strong as a couple. You might want to read The Great Sex Weekend by myself and Janet Lever-- of any of a number of books about how to keep sex alive in a committed relationship.
I forgot one thing--
communication b/t you and hubby is the most important thing. Make sure he understands that you love him and still find him attractive. Make sure he understands how you're feeling...and make sure you understand the same about him.
Things definitely change as your marriage continues. Plus, you have to realize, your body is still a hormonal whirlwind. You haven't even recovered back to "normal" from having your baby.
Additionally, you're probably up all night, never get to sleep, rarely get to take a shower, lucky to eat at all...is it any wonder that you don't want anyone touching you? You hold baby all the time, so you have plenty of flesh to flesh contact.
My advice, just talk to hubby, help him understand how you feel.
On the other hand (here's the part where I'm gonna get in trouble..)there's nothing wrong with you calling a sitter, putting on some nice music, lighting some candles, and mustering up the desire....yes, it does take effort...to give hubby a little attention. He's probably feeling quite left out these days. Imagine, all of your attention went to him while you were dating. Now, little one gets all of your concentration.
I believe that if you love him, you'll be willing to have sex, even if you don't want to...I'm not saying you have to do this every night, but you do need to slow down and enjoy each other.
Trust me, this too shall pass. As baby gets older, and your body returns more to normal, things will level out.
I feel for you, because I remember.
My wife told me several years ago "If I never have sex again it wouldn't bother me". We have not make love for 2+ yrs....she hasn't even made an attempt to touch me...anywhere...during this time. We haven't slept in the same bed for almost 1 yr because she told me to sleep somewhere else because she wasn't sleeping well...she still complains that she is not sleeping well. Her sex drive went downhill about a year after we got married 13+ yrs ago. I just don't understand it. She doesn't even seem to need any affection. If it was normal to have no sex drive, the human race would have been extinct millions of years ago. She won't see a Dr. about it because she doesn't think it's abnormal. If you love someone you should want to be intimate with them. If you think there is a problem see a Dr.
Maybe u could get DH to take on a night feeding or give the baby a bath or whatever would help u out so u could sleep a little longer then he could have the real thing :) LOL I'm sure he'd be willing (instead of him spending time in the shower doing the deed alone) Good Luck!!! I thought I'd never sleep again all night but eventually things settle down again :) Don't give up :)
I don't get it. The main reason marriages don't work out is because guys usually want sex all the time, and the women stop giving it up somewhere along the marriage. It only makes sense to me that if a married man isn't getting any sex from his wife, he is eventually going to start looking elsewhere for it. Just like a man takes care of his wife and looks after her, a wife should give her husband sex, and this will keep 99% of ment happy in their marriage.
Well, in this case I am the husband. Question is how to get my wife of 13 years more interested and involved in sex. I understand she is tired because she puts in about a 15 hour work day 5 days a week with the job, kids and house work. I am out of town 3 weeks at a time but fly home on the weekends. I have always been one to vigoursly exercise so I can keep up with the kids and my job requires it as well. So naturally I have lots of energy. All the time. Also, I get that teenage feeling inside at the mere thought of being with her. Even when I drive home from 13 hours away after working all day. And I always make sure she climaxes, not just me. Now her on the other hand, she does not exercise and is more interested in sleep than sex. She does initiate sometimes but only if I have said something earlier in the day. It just seems that she could do without it if that was the case. Any suggestions on how to get her more active, spontaneous and interested in regards to sex.
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