No Sex drive

I am a 35 yr old single mom who yet in the last year had dealt with alot of stressful situations. My biggest situation was dealing with the death of my boyfriend of 12 yrs. He comitted suicide. It took a big toll on me because of my kids. My relationship with him overall was not the great after our second child was born back in 2007. I really had no desire to be with him in any sexual way. Basically I was with him because of our kids. Well just recently I have started dating again and I just don't feel that spark at all. Even when I kiss the individual passionately, i just don't get aroused. I want to be able to feel that spark, but I just don't know what to do. I read that stress might be an issue, but right now where I am in my life, I am ready to be sexually active, but just can't. I don't feel that stress at all like before.
Will this lack of sex drive go away? Do I need to take any medication for this? I am just so bothered by this because I feel that this is sidetracking me from moving on.  Please advise.....

[Janice M Epp, PhD]

Hello.

It sounds like you're saying that your desire for sex has diminished. There are many reasons this might happen, but only you can figure out the answer.

Let’s look at some possibilities. If you’re interested in sex, but feel no desire to actually be sexual with others—then perhaps you haven’t come across anything that turns you on at this point in your life. That’s understandable. We often go through periods where our desires may take a break. Another possibility is that you’re not currently seeing anyone who turns you on. It may be helpful for you to take an inventory of characteristics that you find attractive or interesting. Are you seeing anyone who has any of those qualities, or are you feeling like you SHOULD be turned on regardless? You’re not going to get pizza by hanging out at a steak restaurant.

And, of course, many other factors can influence desire. You might also examine what else has been happening in your life that may have affected you. Are you content with yourself, with your life, with your relationships? Are there any family or work crises? And how’s your physical health? There are numerous medical conditions that can also contribute to lack of desire.

Are you anxious around potential sex partners? Be aware that anxiety is the enemy of good sex. If you’re feeling anxious or unsure of yourself, your desire for sex will be affected. Or you may have conflicting feelings about being sexual, based on earlier issues in your life. Or you may actually FEEL desire, but suppress it, due to feeling conflicted. Are you aware of any reasons you may have for avoiding sex with others?

There could be other reasons you’re not turned on: Many women receive the message that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure.

So, to recap: you may have negative attitudes about sex in general, you may be conflicted about sex, or you may be bored or frustrated. Think about the issues I’ve raised and see if any are true for you. Remember not to put pressure on yourself.
I’m wondering what YOU think is contributing to this and whether you’ve taken any actions to try to change it. You’ve probably got more insight than you realize. Good luck to you. Dr. J