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Sexuality & Relationships (Expert Forum)
Not reaching orgasm or ejaculating? (male)
Answered by
Janice M Epp, PhD - Female sexual issues, Adolescent sexuality, Male sexual issues
Private Practice
Palo Alto - CA
This forum is for questions and support regarding relationship issues such as: Abstinence, Arousal Problems, Birth Control, Cohabitation, Commitment, Communication, Couples Counseling, Desire /Lack of Desire, Sexual Technique.
Not reaching orgasm or ejaculating? (male)
by shakeandscream, Sep 26, 2009 01:41PM
I am a 16 year old male.
Whenever I masturbate, it usually doesn't take long to reach the climax and ejaculate, but lately it has taken over 45 minutes, if it happens at all
I'm scared that this isn't normal, because I went from doing it in ten minutes, to not being able to at all.
I also have anxiety, could that be the cause?
Whenever I masturbate, it usually doesn't take long to reach the climax and ejaculate, but lately it has taken over 45 minutes, if it happens at all
I'm scared that this isn't normal, because I went from doing it in ten minutes, to not being able to at all.
I also have anxiety, could that be the cause?
Doctor's Answer
by Janice M Epp, PhD, Sep 29, 2009 06:19PM
, Sep 29, 2009 06:19PMTo: shakeandscream
Hi there.
Relax. You're worrying yourself into misery. And, yes, anxiety can interfere with our ability to orgasm. My guess is that the more you worry about this, the longer it will take you to orgasm.
Why not stop worrying and just enjoy yourself without having a goal? Once you do that, you'll find your body responds in a pleasurable way. Whatever its doing is what's "normal" for you right now in your life. You'll find that your sexual pattern varies throughout your life, depending on various circumstances. Here's some general information for you.
There’s nothing wrong with you. You’ve just convinced yourself there’s something amiss, and now you’ve created a viscious circle. As soon as your penis didn’t do exactly what you wanted, you started to worry. Sex is all about what’s going on in your head. The more you worry, the more your penis isn’t going to cooperate. In fact, it can be downright rebellious! You need to relax. If someone tells you NOT to think of elephants, what’s the first thing you think about? That’s right. Elephants. And if you worry about getting erections or having orgasms, same thing: self-fulfilling prophesy.
Erections go up and down. You’ll find this happening all your life. It doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy sex, but you have to adjust your attitude and relax. Many men feel that if their erection goes down even a tiny bit, there’s something wrong with them. Where does this come from?
Men receive so many messages that sex is about “performance” and pleasing a partner, rather than just enjoying the pleasure of it. Everything is goal-oriented—like a football game. The other message that many men receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure. Ask yourself whether you have any conflicts about being sexual—any old messages that might be lurking in your subconscious.
For more information about erection issues, attitude, orgasms, etc., I highly recommend the book “The New Male Sexuality” by Bernie Zilbergeld, Ph.D. It’s widely available online, both used and in paperback and is an invaluable resource.
Relax, stop putting pressure on yourself and enjoy sex for what it is: pleasure. Give yourself permission to enjoy whatever happens—and find partners who aren’t hung up on performances issues either. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
Relax. You're worrying yourself into misery. And, yes, anxiety can interfere with our ability to orgasm. My guess is that the more you worry about this, the longer it will take you to orgasm.
Why not stop worrying and just enjoy yourself without having a goal? Once you do that, you'll find your body responds in a pleasurable way. Whatever its doing is what's "normal" for you right now in your life. You'll find that your sexual pattern varies throughout your life, depending on various circumstances. Here's some general information for you.
There’s nothing wrong with you. You’ve just convinced yourself there’s something amiss, and now you’ve created a viscious circle. As soon as your penis didn’t do exactly what you wanted, you started to worry. Sex is all about what’s going on in your head. The more you worry, the more your penis isn’t going to cooperate. In fact, it can be downright rebellious! You need to relax. If someone tells you NOT to think of elephants, what’s the first thing you think about? That’s right. Elephants. And if you worry about getting erections or having orgasms, same thing: self-fulfilling prophesy.
Erections go up and down. You’ll find this happening all your life. It doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy sex, but you have to adjust your attitude and relax. Many men feel that if their erection goes down even a tiny bit, there’s something wrong with them. Where does this come from?
Men receive so many messages that sex is about “performance” and pleasing a partner, rather than just enjoying the pleasure of it. Everything is goal-oriented—like a football game. The other message that many men receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure. Ask yourself whether you have any conflicts about being sexual—any old messages that might be lurking in your subconscious.
For more information about erection issues, attitude, orgasms, etc., I highly recommend the book “The New Male Sexuality” by Bernie Zilbergeld, Ph.D. It’s widely available online, both used and in paperback and is an invaluable resource.
Relax, stop putting pressure on yourself and enjoy sex for what it is: pleasure. Give yourself permission to enjoy whatever happens—and find partners who aren’t hung up on performances issues either. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
Member Comments (4)
by The_Gardener, Sep 28, 2009 05:53PM
try not beating off so much. Wait 1-2 days between sessions. Ideally 3-5 days.
by TaylorMarie10, Sep 28, 2009 08:24PM
Stress effects every part of your life, even your libido.
by nortmann, Sep 29, 2009 04:45AM
To: shakeandscream
Masterbating is supposed to be an enjoyable pastime. Try to take a warm shower before. Find a nice quite place where you will not be disturbed. Perhaps put on some soft music and before touching your **** try massaging yourself all over very gently. I find this very stimulating. I do this for about 10 to 15 minutes and then when you feel aroused slowley move to your **** and do the same there. When I was younger I just wanted to get it over with as quick as possible but the older I get the more I have found that the sensations are heightened when you just relax and enjoy the moment.
