Hi, My boyfriend is 38 years old. I am 33, we have been in a committed relationship for 3 years. My problem is, from the very beginning of our relationship he has ejaculated very quickly. At first I thought it was because it was a new relationship, but as time went on the problem never went away. We use condoms and I have even told him to put 2 on at one time, this only resulted in it hurting for me and it did not help him last longer. We have also tried "balms" to prolong it, this did not help either. So we started focusing on me and got some toys he could use on my before hand, which works but is less fulfilling for me. I have told him to masturbate, I don't know if it is psychological or not, but he can not masturbate by himself, he always needs my assistance.( I even gave him porno movies and he still can not do it alone)
He says that is he has never had this problem with his ex wife or ex girlfriends, he says he could last a really long time, I find it hard to believe but he swears. What do you think the problem could be? Can you suggest something to try? I feel that this is all in his head and if only he could some how distract himself he would last longer, I have even told him to watch tv and I have said things that would turn a normal man off, and it does not work. Anything you could suggest would be greatly appreciated. Thank you
First, as you’ve discovered, the so-called “balms” and ointments have never been proven to be effective.
Your boyfriend’s reticence to self-pleasure may be a red flag here. It may be that he has negative attitudes about sex, as a result of early childhood learning, including negative feelings about self-pleasuring.
We only have his word that he’s never had a problem with other partners; however, this may not actually be the case. It might be painful for him to admit this to you. In fact, he may have had this pattern for a long time due to several factors: During their early self-pleasuring experiments, many men learn a very quick orgasm pattern in order to avoid detection—like in the bathroom (“You’ve been in there for hours! What are you doing?”) Learning to come quickly with a partner can also set up this pattern. Guilt, anxiety and relationship conflict may create a situation where some men just want to get it over with quickly so they won’t have to deal with any of those feelings. And if, in fact, he’s never had this problem in the past, but only with you, there may be something going on. He may be uncomfortable or guilty or who knows? It’s fruitless to speculate. There’s only one way to find out, and that’s to begin exploring this in a dialogue with him.
The most effective way for men to slow down their orgasmic response is to slow down self-pleasuring. If he refuses to do this himself, you can share this together. While he’s touching himself, breathe slowly and just enjoy the sensation. When he finds himself approaching that “point of no return” when he thinks he’s close to orgasm, he should stop and breathe until he doesn’t feel the urge to orgasm. Then start again. The more he does this, the more he’ll be in control and able to sense when orgasm is approaching.
You both should also realize that each man has an individual orgasmic pattern unique to him. A lot of this anxiety about “premature” orgasm is based on paranoia, and the idea that it's somehow ideal to have erections last way longer than they tend to realistically for most men, most of the time. Sure, sometimes, a man might last 15 minutes, 30 minutes, even an hour, but 75% of all males have an orgasm within 2 minutes of beginning penis-vagina (p-v) sex. I wonder if you’re both thinking that if he lasts longer, somehow you’ll have an orgasm during p-v sex? The fact is that most women DON’T orgasm during p-v sex. It’s a much more effective way for men to orgasm than women, so please don’t attempt to reach some kind of “orgasmic goal” because you think that’s how sex is supposed to be.
It’s important to be understanding and realize that you’re in this together, so it’s not just HIS problem. I’d suggest a positive approach in which you both learn more about sexual pleasure as a way to open up a dialogue. How about reading a book together and talking about it? I highly recommend Bernie Zilbergeld’s “The New Male Sexuality,” which is widely available online. This is an excellent discussion-starter and has a wealth of information about men, their attitudes about sex, sexual response, etc. Best of luck to you both. Dr. J
Hi hawte, i'm no expert, but what i've found that helps the most, and what others have told me helps is called edging. This should be something that you can do because he cannot masturbate without you so you have some measure of control. While masturbating, just a little before he is going to ejaculate you simply stop and wait a little for him to edge off so he is not so stimulated, and then do it again. You can do this several times (like 4 or more depending on your patience). By doing this you are "training" him to last longer. May not work right away, but it should start helping before long and should not take too long to accomplish (like a couple of weeks) before you notice some difference. I hope this helps....i hope I explained it okay. Good luck!!
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