This forum is for questions and support regarding relationship issues such as: Abstinence, Arousal Problems, Birth Control, Cohabitation, Commitment, Communication, Couples Counseling, Desire /Lack of Desire, Sexual Technique.
i am 24 years old and since about 1 1/2 i don't have any sex drive what so ever.i'm with my bf for the past 1 1/2 and i love him deeply, never met anyone like him. Before i met him i was in a realtionship with a guy who liked to travel so i just saw him like 2 weeks every 6 month or so, but i still loved sex back then. And then this guy cheated on me for about 2 weeks, still telling me he loves me while sleeping with someone else.
After i broke up with him about 3 weeks later i met my bf and we had a bumpy start, because i wasn't sure if i was ready for a new relationship or not. Then we got together and all was good, but the sexlife was never much.
He was very understanding and we talked about it and all, and i thought that it got a bit better, but it really hasn't.
We have sex maybe once every 3 weeks or less and he is the one who has to start it. I just don't feel like it at all, and when i think about i panic. For example while im at work or whereever i think: " ohh, maybe tonight i make us a nice dinner and then after i turn him on by wearing my new underwear" and im really into that thought. but then when i'm at home and we eat and things i'm starting to get tired and don't feel like sex at all. I just don't understand it. What happend to me?
Can someone help me? Do you have any suggestions?
I really want to do something about this, i don't wanna lose him. He is so great.He still understands and tries not to mention this, but i can feel it is not very nice for him to want me and to show me how much he loves me but can't because i don't feel like it and he doesn't want to make me do something i don't want to do!
So you have trust issues, and they've probably been there awhile because in order for them to cause you to panic when just thinking about having sex with your new partner, this has probably been going on for you even before your last relationship.
Sometimes it helps to think about your childhood and whether you felt you could trust those who were supposed to love and care for you. Perhaps someone let you down as a child and that fostered this feeling of distrust. Or perhaps you don't feel you're "loveworthy," and so you mistrust everyone--or get into relationships in which you subconsciously KNOW you can't trust the person. In other words, you may be setting it up so that your distrust is validated.
We could go on and on about this, but the best course of action for you is to speak with your boyfriend, tell him of your struggles and ask for his cooperation and help. Everyone loves to be needed, and my hunch is that he'll be honored. Ask him if you can agree to start slowly and take it one step at a time as you build your feelings of trust and become comfortable with intimacy--not just physical, but emotional as well. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
I am sorry to hear what you are gong through. To be rally honest i suffered with the same problem ( i'm 25) for about two years into my marriage. It was really difficult to deal with because i felt that something was wrong with me. I couldnt understand why l loved my husband so much but cant seem to want to have sex. Thank God he was understanding and patient otherwise we would have broken up a while back.
My problem with sex stemmed from being abused in the past. When i got married ( or entered a significant relationship) that was when the effects of the abuse started showing themselves. I dont know why but i suppose it was because my husband had become my secure base so in a way psychologically, i felt free to deal with all those nasty feelings of the past while depending on him to help me through. It didn't seem that way though. I felt like in some way totally uncontrollable to me i was punishing him.
I am not saying that you have been sexually abuse, but perhaps you have not quite gotten over what your previous boyfriend did and is in some way trying to hold back a part of yourself.
What does sex mean to you? is it something casual that you cab have with just about any guy you like if you want or it means far more than that...like giving up a part of yourself to someone??
If it is the last part then i suspect that you problem lies there. You need to rtrust your boyfriend with that part of you. Perhaps you should explain it to him. Maybe in your subconscious, he has not proven himself enough for you to give of yourself totally to him and so you hold back. Thats why i couldnt totally give myself to my husband, in a way i felt that he hadn't totally surrendered himself to me and so i couldnt do that for him ( FEAR is a very powerful weapon when it comes to matters of intimacy).
Thank you, that did kinda help!
I think i figured out that i still don't trust him enough, just yesterday. He left over night to go to a concert and i just couldn't shut up about him being good and not do anything with someone else. I hate being like that, but i think it is still from my last relationship, because i couldn't trust that guy at all!
I should know though that i can trust my bf now, he wouldn't do something like that, he would rather break up with me before, to not hurt me in that way.( he was cheated on too in previous relationships)
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