I am facing quite a few problems.
I started masturbating on 27th December 2004 quite late at age 19 and ever since my life has changed for the worse. I learnt meditation at age 16.
Every time I masturbate I become more depressed and lonelier. Surfing internet porn has become a regular habit. I need porn to masturbate. I tried getting rid of it by meditation, tracking down on a piece of paper, staying away from girls completely, not to see stimulating stuff but nothing helps. My will power has taken a terrific beating. Allb my to-do-lists remain incomplete these days. The very fact of doing ten jobs in a day makes me nervous and panicky. Simple things like waking up, getting ready, going to work, etc. look tedious and stressful. My head always feels clouded, my thoughts are blurred too. Sometimes the head pains too, if I try to avoid masturbating for a few days. At max I have been able to go without masturbation for 25 days and that was in 2006. In the last one year, I have failed to go past seven days. I feel like tearing my hair apart. Too many dry days (without masturbation) and I get attracted to any girl walking down the road, and makes me fear I will do something wrong with her. Also, if no. of dry days increase, the workload feels like a mountain and the stress levels shoot up. In frustration I start listening to loud hard rock music.
This weakness is causing so much trouble in my life. I failed my CA Inter exam mainly because of this trouble. Instead of chipping away at my problems I choose the alternative path of drowning my sorrows in the wine of orgasmic happiness. I used to be quite social before but now I keep my mobile switched off all day, I change email ids every year, my friends have stopped mailing me too mainly because I dont reply. My studies have gone for a toss. Nothing makes me smile or cry.
The sight of burning two dead bodies in the family in the past three years also has made me more emotionless. The fact death might arrive anytime always lurks in my head making me stressed out at times.
The fear of doing wrong, of being rebuked by society, of personal guilt - no more works. Putting the image of Buddha and other Gods in my net-surfing room also does not deter me from doing shameful acts like visiting porn and masturbating. However, once the orgasm ends, the guilt is so overwhelming that I destroy everything - all pictures, videos, media player program files, even internet connection sometimes. Once, I stripped off all wires from the sockets and destroyed the TV and internet connections. However, my brother and mom were really angry with me. My bro is addicted to porn and masturbation too. But he even refuses to acknowledge the problem. Hence, removing internet and TV from home is no more an option and staying alone is also not working. If alone, after 5-6 days, I try out stupid things like bringing porn CDs home or surfing at cyber cafes.
I have visited Mormon websites, tried out their techniques, read religious books like Tipitakas, visited local church too, but, alas, nothing works. In fact, today was a very bad day. I masturbated thrice to porn and today my mom caught me too in the act. I cannot suffer this shame any longer.
None of my friends really acknowledge that masturbation is a problem. Nor my family members too. I remember my dad bringing women's mags home.
I have never smoked or drank hard drinks but somehow the triple combo addictions of internet-porn-masturbation refuses to go. In fact not a week passes when I dont surf internet. Even passing a day without internet is so damn tough.
I am suffering from some other health problems too - negative 4.5 vision, chipped teeth, allergies to dust, almost year round cold tendency which gets worse in winter, breathing trouble twice a year during Diwali(crackers bursting days) and during winter(thankfully this has reduced considerably during the past 3 years).
I have gone through four relationship breaks in the past 5 years. All relationships started because of my desperation to have a girlfriend, three of them over internet and two of them lasted 2-3 years and ended over internet. In one relationship my personal guilt made me make an offer of brother-sister relationship to a girl who accepted. And the last one was with a lady 13 years older than me whom I met physically. However, in none of the relationships any physical contact was involved not even kissing despite all my desperation.
The extreme paths are not working, not even the middle path. I have lost all faith on doctors. Hence, unless the complication is acute and makes me catch the bed, I never go to a doctor even if fever or tiredness grips me.
I have a big ego too which refuses to go. I want to control everything from myself to everything around me. I like to do things differently, I perceive each human being as a competitor now or as a potential harmful agent to my interests. I fail to acknowledge the good side of life. Words of praise never come out easily face to face, however, while returning I do it easily. Even the way I speak has become robotic in nature. I speak in a single tone. I cannot laugh to my satisfaction, I cannot vent my anger to my desire, I cannot cry too when required, I keep my opinions to myself, not communicating to anyone for fear of it being shot down. I can never fight back.
I dream myself to be someone big, something extra-ordinary but turn out to be nothing at the end of the day. Neither am I able to inspire others nor am I able to inspire myself.
The feeling of self-worthlessness makes me feel like committing suicide too but this appears tough too.
Please suggest a few solutions to get out of this mess. Be it anything that comes to your mind. I just want to get rid of this junk in my life.