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Problems ejaculating during intimacy
I am a 26 year old gay male who is having problems ejaculating and/or orgasming during intimacy with a partner. I have a feeling it's an emotional issue as I was somewhat a late bloomer. I've only been sexually active for 4 years, and have relied heavily on masturbation to ejaculate in the past.
When I am with a partner I can achieve an erection, but without direct stimulation or me being extremely aroused by my partner it doesn't stay that way like I notice it does for many of my partners. I've only been able to achieve an orgasm and ejaculate once with a partner, but I really can't think of why that situation was different. To me I just "got lucky," so to speak. Every other time I've had no pre-*** or pre-ejaculate. Nothing at all.
After intimacy with a partner I most typically go through a state of extreme pain in my lower abdomen area, which I think in slang is referred to as "blue balls". The only relief I have for this is to masturbate. This is the only time when I masturbate that I discharge large amounts of pre-*** or pre-ejaculate, as well as semen, and it comes out very forcefully.
Can you please help. I would like to know what I might be able to do to get over this emotional barrier. Thank you.
When I am with a partner I can achieve an erection, but without direct stimulation or me being extremely aroused by my partner it doesn't stay that way like I notice it does for many of my partners. I've only been able to achieve an orgasm and ejaculate once with a partner, but I really can't think of why that situation was different. To me I just "got lucky," so to speak. Every other time I've had no pre-*** or pre-ejaculate. Nothing at all.
After intimacy with a partner I most typically go through a state of extreme pain in my lower abdomen area, which I think in slang is referred to as "blue balls". The only relief I have for this is to masturbate. This is the only time when I masturbate that I discharge large amounts of pre-*** or pre-ejaculate, as well as semen, and it comes out very forcefully.
Can you please help. I would like to know what I might be able to do to get over this emotional barrier. Thank you.
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
Hi Henry.
I’m really glad you asked this question, because it gives us a chance to examine another area of male sexuality that hasn’t been discussed yet. Realize that I’m going to give you lots of possibilities, and your role is to figure out whether any of these fit for you, and then explore them.
The dead give-away here is that you have no problems with orgasm during self-pleasuring. That probably means that some aspect of being sexual with a partner is problematic and creating conflicts for you. Let’s look at some potential issues.
Our society does a terrible disservice to men by raising them to think that their penis has to be 10 inches long, hard as a rock and last all night. It’s no wonder that many men feel insecure about their sexuality. Great sex involves your whole body; in fact, having great, mutually satisfying sex is usually quite the opposite of what you see in those performance-oriented sex videos.
The more you think of sex as being about performance, the more you’ll worry that your penis isn’t doing what you think it should. And this can be a vicious circle. For most of us, sex is about fun and pleasure. If you think of it as performance, or a “job,” you’ll set yourself for a stressful experience. Remember: Performance can be the enemy of pleasure and fun.
Men receive so many messages that sex is about pleasing a partner, rather than just enjoying the pleasure of it. Everything is goal-oriented—like a football game. The other message that many men receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. The most common factor inhibiting men's orgasms with a partner is guilt based on some family/religious messages. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure we’re experiencing.
Two other reasons why you might not be having orgasms with a partner are that you’re bored with your current partner or with the sexual activities you’re doing together, or that there are some conflicts in the relationship and you’re feeling anxious or angry.
Lastly, you may be feeling conflicted because of some unresolved sexual orientation issues. Many of us think we’ve handled all that stuff, but it has a way of creeping into our subconscious at the most inappropriate times. Think about your past and whether there are some old messages about being Gay that are still lingering there. Maybe you were teased, did you ever feel like you didn’t fit in, or you did you have some other feelings of being an “outcast”? This can result in internalized homophobia—in other words, self-hate. Some people don’t even realize that any of those old childhood hurts are still lurking about and doing damage. You’ve probably read lots of books about this, but if not, there’s an excellent online bookstore, Lambda Rising, which carries some very helpful books. http://www.lambdarising.com/NASApp/store/IndexJsp
Well, there you have it—a whole litany of possible causes for you to chew on. Take a deep breath and dive in. Good luck! Dr. J
I’m really glad you asked this question, because it gives us a chance to examine another area of male sexuality that hasn’t been discussed yet. Realize that I’m going to give you lots of possibilities, and your role is to figure out whether any of these fit for you, and then explore them.
The dead give-away here is that you have no problems with orgasm during self-pleasuring. That probably means that some aspect of being sexual with a partner is problematic and creating conflicts for you. Let’s look at some potential issues.
Our society does a terrible disservice to men by raising them to think that their penis has to be 10 inches long, hard as a rock and last all night. It’s no wonder that many men feel insecure about their sexuality. Great sex involves your whole body; in fact, having great, mutually satisfying sex is usually quite the opposite of what you see in those performance-oriented sex videos.
The more you think of sex as being about performance, the more you’ll worry that your penis isn’t doing what you think it should. And this can be a vicious circle. For most of us, sex is about fun and pleasure. If you think of it as performance, or a “job,” you’ll set yourself for a stressful experience. Remember: Performance can be the enemy of pleasure and fun.
Men receive so many messages that sex is about pleasing a partner, rather than just enjoying the pleasure of it. Everything is goal-oriented—like a football game. The other message that many men receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. The most common factor inhibiting men's orgasms with a partner is guilt based on some family/religious messages. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure we’re experiencing.
Two other reasons why you might not be having orgasms with a partner are that you’re bored with your current partner or with the sexual activities you’re doing together, or that there are some conflicts in the relationship and you’re feeling anxious or angry.
Lastly, you may be feeling conflicted because of some unresolved sexual orientation issues. Many of us think we’ve handled all that stuff, but it has a way of creeping into our subconscious at the most inappropriate times. Think about your past and whether there are some old messages about being Gay that are still lingering there. Maybe you were teased, did you ever feel like you didn’t fit in, or you did you have some other feelings of being an “outcast”? This can result in internalized homophobia—in other words, self-hate. Some people don’t even realize that any of those old childhood hurts are still lurking about and doing damage. You’ve probably read lots of books about this, but if not, there’s an excellent online bookstore, Lambda Rising, which carries some very helpful books. http://www.lambdarising.com/NASApp/store/IndexJsp
Well, there you have it—a whole litany of possible causes for you to chew on. Take a deep breath and dive in. Good luck! Dr. J
Thank you so very much for taking the time to answer back. You really seem to have hit the nail on the head with more than one of the possibilities you suggested.Thank you for the book recommendations as well. You don't know how helpful you've been for me.
-Henry
-Henry
You are reading content posted in the Sexuality & Relationships Forum
Millions of people are diagnosed with STDs in the U.S. each year.
STDs can't be transmitted by casual contact, like hugging or touching.
Syphilis is an STD that is transmitted by oral, genital and anal sex.
Discharge often isn't normal, and could mean an infection or an STD.
STDs aren't transmitted through clothing. Fabric is a germ barrier.
Normal vaginal discharge varies in color, smell, texture and amount.
