This forum is for questions and support regarding relationship issues such as: Abstinence, Arousal Problems, Birth Control, Cohabitation, Commitment, Communication, Couples Counseling, Desire /Lack of Desire, Sexual Technique.
I posted a question yesterday and the doctor has not responded. Although I appreciate all the comments I want to have the opinion from a doctor as well. I am going to restate the problem: I have never had an orgasm and I do not understand what I need to do. I am pleased a great deal with my sexual experience with my husband, but I cannot reach an orgasm. I know he is frustrated and I want us to both be satified. Is this a medical condition? or is it something I am doing wrong? I do not feel that it is him-he tries so hard. I am already satisfied but I feel that he sees it as a reflection on him. What do I do?
It is hard to know what the cause is- it could be psychological-it could be physical. Are you having arousal? Do you get turned on? If you don't get turned on it could be some interference from past experiences ( ie if you were molested at some earlier time in your life) or some hormonal problem ( I would go see an endocrinologist.
If you are aroused- but cannot have an orgasm, I would suggest reading For Yourself, which is a masturbation manual by Lonnie Barbarch whih shows how to use a vibrator to orgasm.If you can learn how to do an orgasm alone, you can help your partner replicate the procedure when you are together. Vibrators can be used at slow or fast speeds, directly on the clitoris or to the side of on the outside of the vaginal area. They will usuall cause enough stimulus, long enough to have an orgasm. Often, haveing intercourse while being touched on the clitoris, or using a vibrator as an additional aid can help create enough blood in the area, body tension and stimulation to cause an orgasm.
I'm not the doctor, obviously, but I can tell you that the best and most reliable way for women to become orgasmic is to masturbate. Among other things, masturbation's a closed feedback loop--you can change and adjust immediately as you like, without having to stop to explain, shift, etc. No pressure, just fun and exploration.
Then, once you're reliably orgasmic on your own, you can teach your partner what you like. Masturbate in front of him so he can see what kind of touch you like, and/or put his hand over or under yours so he can feel the speed and pressure you need. While some women are orgasmic only with partners, I think they're in the vast minority. Everyone's different. You have to already know what you like in order to show someone else.
Here are some books to check out: For Yourself, by Lonnie Barbach, and Sex for One and Orgasms for Two, both by Betty Dodson. You could also check out her site, www.bettydodson.com.
i am assuming that you do get turned on, because you said, "I am pleased a great deal with my sexual experience with my husband", so it just sounds like you need to have some private time exploring your body's arousal cycle. do whatever you need to do--look at pictures of people having sex, read an erotic novel, use lube. becoming comfortable giving yourself orgasms is definitely the first step. for what it's worth, my experience was that i learned how to orgasm first with a vibrator, and in some ways that made it harder for me to translate to orgasms with a partner. vibrators feel very different from human touch, so it turned out to be a whole different process to learn to do it with my fingers. when i learned how to do it manually, it brought me a step closer. after that, the first time i had an orgasm with a lover was when i was not really thinking about having an orgasm at all. i was just lost in the moment and receiving the sensations, and then suddenly i felt that familiar buildup and realized i was going to have one. let me tell you it completely surprised me. what happened was that my partner was touching me in exactly the right way, in the right rhythm, and just kept repeating the action long enough to give me an orgasm. so it's just a matter of finding the right action for you. after awhile, sometimes it will change and vary. apparently blood flow to the clitoris is important, because i remember that time i was above my partner, facing down.
i definitely agree that becoming hung up on having an orgasm makes it harder! i think men often face a similar dilemma when it comes to erections and being able to prolong their intercourse time; when you're feeling self-conscious and focusing too hard on sexual performance, the pressure makes it more difficult for everything to function.
finally, i also enthusiastically endorse Betty Dodson's books. if ever there was a healthy attitude about female sexuality, she best exemplifies it. don't give up!
Mary -- I completely understand your desire, and your husband's desire, for you to have an orgasm. I was married for 25 years and had one (yes, one) solitary orgasm during my entire marriage. Much of my problem was psychological and, as the doctor mentioned, issues such as molestation can have a very substantial impact on our sexuality.
My own "sexual journey" began after my divorce. Friends bought me a small dildo-like battery operated vibrator, which did nothing except make me feel even more like something was wrong with me. Vibrators vary greatly....I finally found one that came highly recommended by my female doctor and within two weeks of becoming familiar with my body and what felt good, I had an orgasm. That was about two years ago and I am now able not only to have a strong orgasm every time but to have multiple orgasms (the record is four, lol). Since the doctor posted some web sites, I hope it's ok for me to give you the one for the vibrator I bought...I'm not affiliated with the company in any way at all, if that makes a difference. The web site is www.eroscillator.com. I would recommend using whatever vibrator you choose alone at first, without your husband being present, so you won't feel pressured and can take the time to experiment unobserved. My goal when I first started using mine wasn't to have an orgasm....it was just to learn what felt good, thus I put no pressure on myself either. And don't become discouraged if it takes a few weeks....just enjoy whatever happens and you'll finally get there. Then you can translate it to use with your husband, then to his being able to accomplish the same result. Enjoy the journey!
Honey,you are certainly not alone! I have been married 9 years,and I too always enjoy the sex,but often find it hard to acheive orgasam.For me I think it is a mental thing.For instance,I can orgasam when my daughter isnt in the house and I'm completely relaxed (a glass of wine or two) but not when I have things to do and my daughter is in the next room.
I also masterbate to try to find out what feels good to me so I know what to tell him to do...but honestly,sometimes it's just not gonna happen.
You need to find out what your reasons for not having orgasam are. Like,can you have one on your own? If you can,then it is possibly mental like me,or you guys just havent found what works for you yet.
May I suggest you visit the "Slightest Touch forum" you can find it at Slightesttouch.com
I purchased a Slightest Touch for my Wife four years ago and we just love this thing. It was developed to help Women in your situation but does so much more. It has given my Wife longer and much more intense orgasms.
It will work for about 90% of Women and should it not work for you they have a money back offer which they stand behind. Great people to do business with and easy to talk to.
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