Questioning my sexuality

[mrbrownstone2313]

I am a 16 year old male who was pretty sure i was straight and never doubted my sexuality. Recently i had gone through a major depression where i had lost interest in everything including girls. The one thing i had really wanted was a relationship where i could be loved and looked over and taken care of because i was feeling so down thats all i wanted. The relationship started with this girl who i was deeply infatuated with and was feeling happy for the first time in awhile but it felt like something was missing. While we were dating i wanted to look really good for my girlfriend. I started looking at myself more and perfecting my image. I then started looking at other guys wondering if girls would find them attractive. it then turned into me just looking at them and deciding whether they were good looking or not and not even paying attention to girls. i never had feelings to have sex with or kiss or anything remotely sexual with them and i still dont but it just worries me that i may be gay. We have been dating for 5 months now and within the last month i have slipped into a horrible depression again due to thinking i was gay and having to break up with this girl that i feel i love. I started thinking maybe the thing that i felt was missing may be that i should be dating a guy instead of girl because a guy i feel would hold onto and look after me better then a girl would. I know thats a stereotype but i feel if my girlfriend cuddled me, and loved on my like a guy does to a girl it wouldnt feel right and it would feel better if a guy did it to me. I only really feel that way when I am depressed. When i feel happy i dont really think about being loved by a guy but when im feeling down it feels like thats what i need to make me happy. Please help i am really confused!

[Janice M Epp, PhD]

Hello.

These are two very complex issues to address: depression and sexual orientation. I will try to give you as much information as possible within the brief format of this post. Let’s talk about depression first.

It isn’t easy being 16 is it? You’re bombarded with all kinds of messages about how you should be, where you should go to school, what kind of profession you should choose, etc. You’re teetering on the edge of adulthood, and it can be quite frightening. This might be a contributing factor to your depression. One of the characteristics of clinical depression is having illogical thoughts. For instance, “No one will ever love me. I’m a failure.” These can be quite devastating and debilitating, not to mention confusing. Depression is caused by a chemical imbalance, which usually responds quite well to treatment. Your first step is to see a psychiatrist who can interview you to determine what medication, if any, would be the most helpful. But be aware that many anti-depressants have sexual side effects. They can impact your sexual desire as well as interfere with erection and orgasm. Be sure you tell your physician that you want to try a regimen of drugs that are relatively benign when it comes to sexual side effects.

I am not suggesting that your depression has necessarily contributed to your  confusion about your sexual orientation. Only you can discern that after talking with a therapist and gaining some insights into your feelings.

However, one reason you're confused is because society itself is confused. We try to put everyone in a box labeled gay, straight or bisexual, when, in fact, there's no such thing.

You are who you are. Some of us are born with a strong sexual orientation to one sex or the other, while others of us are more flexible. The problem comes with trying to fit into one of these boxes. We feel we have to define ourselves; and yet, once we do, many of us feel incomplete and confused. That's because sexuality is fluid and indefinable. Sexological research has shown that many people are very fluid in their sexuality: In fact, people all over the map: exploring same-sex fantasies one day, falling in love with the other sex the next—and every other variation you can think of. Many people have sexual experiences with both sexes throughout their lives, as well as falling in love with both sexes. And many people only fall in love with one sex, but are sexually oriented towards both. And vice versa. In addition, many of us have fantasies about being sexual with one sex or the other, but never wish to act on these fantasies—just keep them as something private: forbidden and thus, very hot. This is part of being human, creative and sexual. Life is SOOO complex!

Where are you getting this message that you have to make some sort of decision and label yourself as either gay, straight or bisexual? Why not just be who you are? I know it can complicate potential relationships, but aren’t we more than just what we do with our crotch?

And just to complicate things further, we can change many times over the course of a lifetime. You may be into women for awhile, then men, then women, etc. We can never know what’s around the next corner. Tomorrow you might be walking down the street and fall madly in love with a hippopotamus in a tutu!

So the short answer is: stop worrying and be yourself. Once you gain some insight through therapy, you’ll be more comfortable accepting whoever it is you are. Best of luck to you. Dr. J

[mrbrownstone2313]

And just to make things clearer the first depression i went through was completely different and didnt have to do with questioning my sexuality

[mrbrownstone2313]

And also another thing that worries me is when my girlfriend gives me oral sex it takes me about 45 minutes to ejaculate does this mean im not turned on because im gay?

[dave89]

dude i have very similar problems to you from what it sounds like, i have had pretty low self esteem my whole life as well and when I got older it affected my sexuality. I have always been really attracted to girls, but when i have low self esteem or i get depressed these days i feel loss of attaction to them, when you worry about things it becomes worse, when i have sex with my girlfriend if i start thinking about the situation outside of my own pleasure i loose attaction and it takes me longer to get off. I used to be addicted to girls you know, like i felt like i needed a relationship to make me feel better all the time, but happiness comes from within urself not dependence on others, this is key i think to ur problem, u think u need to be taken care of, and this might sound sexist or whatever but that is how i think girls think, they are looking for a man to take care of them.  Build confidence in yourself girls will like u better and you will like them better.

[mrbrownstone2313]

thanks man that helps a lot. when i get down i feel kind of sensitive and girly and it ***** i want to be my old self before all this depression. Its only when im down do i feel like im not confident.
i think that if i didnt have depression i wouldnt feel like i  needed somebody so that makes me feel a little better that at least i know the problem.
Are you gay?

[dave89]

im bisexual, however ive never had gay sex so i dont really know. for me attraction has alot to do with my mood, and for when im depressed or feeling weak i more attracted to guys and masculine women, and when i feel happy or strong i like women and effeminate men. For me its about domination and submission i guess,  but ulitmatley i feel at my best when im happy confident and with a woman, thats just personal preference i guess, im just saying do what feels good and feels right not just what feels good or feels right.

[mrbrownstone2313]

yea thinking about that it makes a lot of sense. When i think about kissing or getting intimate with a guy it kind of turns me off but it feels like it would work better in a relationship when im down. I like being happier and thats when i feel my attraction to women so i think that is best for me.
thanks for your help dude!

[mrbrownstone2313]

does anyone else have anything else i could use all the help i can.

[mrbrownstone2313]

Thanks a lot doctor! I just have never have felt a sexual attraction to guys but i guess its more a romantic one. But whenever im around any guys i only think of them of as friends and nothing more. Maybe i just havent met the right one i dont know. I was much happier when i was sure i was straight. I feel like i love my girlfriend though and dont want to break up because i will miss her and dont want to hurt her.