Aa
SEX addiction how do i stop it
I am 36 years old, i have just destroyed a nine year marriage by this 'disease of the mind'
the more i have sex the more loved i feel, so the more i want it. this has driven my wife to the edge.
there is no chance of resurecting the marriage that has been made clear to me.
but i do not want to jeopardise any future relationship i may eventualy find.
what can i do to stop this?
the more i have sex the more loved i feel, so the more i want it. this has driven my wife to the edge.
there is no chance of resurecting the marriage that has been made clear to me.
but i do not want to jeopardise any future relationship i may eventualy find.
what can i do to stop this?
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
Hello.
I'm glad you asked this question because it gives me a chance to clear up some misconceptions. You’re making a lot of judgments for which there is no support. You don’t have a “disease,” you’re merely looking to sex to supply what’s missing in your life.
We all use sex for different things—including as a way to avoid dealing with our very real problems and as a way to feel loved. In fact, because of the way men are socialized, many can only let down their guard and be vulnerable during sex. This means that sex is used to soothe any feelings of loneliness, etc., and that puts a lot of pressure on sex to be the ultimate healer.
The American Psychiatric Association does not recognize “sex addiction” because there’s never been any data to support the existence of this alleged “disease.” Of course, there are people who engage in compulsive behavior, whether it’s washing their hands constantly or having sex. This is usually the result of some other psychiatric condition such as obsessive-compulsive disorder, bipolar disorder, etc. If you feel you’re suffering from a compulsion that’s getting in the way of your life, you should consider seeing a qualified therapist who can help you sort out your issues.
From your brief description, I can’t tell just what it is that you feel is the problem. How have your sexual desires driven your wife to the edge? If you were putting pressure on your wife to be sexual more often than she desired, that’s something many couples have experienced. One person wants sex more often than the other. Again, a trained counselor can help open up communication and negotiation about frequency. If you’re worried that your sexual needs aren’t going to be compatible with future partners, it would be very helpful for you examine the origins of your low self-esteem, which have created this situation. A good first step is a very helpful book about male sexuality: “The New Male Sexuality” by Bernie Zilbergeld, Ph.D., widely available used and in paperback online. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
I'm glad you asked this question because it gives me a chance to clear up some misconceptions. You’re making a lot of judgments for which there is no support. You don’t have a “disease,” you’re merely looking to sex to supply what’s missing in your life.
We all use sex for different things—including as a way to avoid dealing with our very real problems and as a way to feel loved. In fact, because of the way men are socialized, many can only let down their guard and be vulnerable during sex. This means that sex is used to soothe any feelings of loneliness, etc., and that puts a lot of pressure on sex to be the ultimate healer.
The American Psychiatric Association does not recognize “sex addiction” because there’s never been any data to support the existence of this alleged “disease.” Of course, there are people who engage in compulsive behavior, whether it’s washing their hands constantly or having sex. This is usually the result of some other psychiatric condition such as obsessive-compulsive disorder, bipolar disorder, etc. If you feel you’re suffering from a compulsion that’s getting in the way of your life, you should consider seeing a qualified therapist who can help you sort out your issues.
From your brief description, I can’t tell just what it is that you feel is the problem. How have your sexual desires driven your wife to the edge? If you were putting pressure on your wife to be sexual more often than she desired, that’s something many couples have experienced. One person wants sex more often than the other. Again, a trained counselor can help open up communication and negotiation about frequency. If you’re worried that your sexual needs aren’t going to be compatible with future partners, it would be very helpful for you examine the origins of your low self-esteem, which have created this situation. A good first step is a very helpful book about male sexuality: “The New Male Sexuality” by Bernie Zilbergeld, Ph.D., widely available used and in paperback online. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
Hi Raynshell.
As Mrs Epp has accurately pointed out, sexual addiction is not reconized yet as a psychological and social problem; the stage in which we lie today in sexuality is somehow analogous to alcohol in the 50s which was not recognize either and was also considered a taboo subject. I will tell you from my own experience; I should say that I am a graduate student of a branch of the medical science, which does not make me an MD. However being young, and heavely exposed to pornographic images throughout my adolescence, and early adulthood as most people of my generation have been, I think I can speak about sexual addiction with a good understanding of it, and how it can affect someone's life.
The main problem for me as always been the graphic. At the age of 12 or 13, I suspect that the brain is highly vulnerable to graphic sexual input of the sort seen in pornographic movies. Although today , as an adult and having somehow overcome this "sexual addiction" and having honestly quite a great sens digust at seeing those images, I remember my mind being strongly appealed by them as a younger person, to a point where I would need my sex movie "fit" almost every evening, even though I didn't sens a need to express my sexuality every time. That's the main difference in one phrase between being sexually healthy and sexually addicted. One might desire watching those images all the time even though one might not necessarly feel a need to ejaculate.
In my early 20s, being more mature and becoming more aware of how damaging to my brain and my relationships those images were, I completly stopped watching this stuff. But developed a great sens of nervous tension, that was focus in one part of my brain in fact, and I could even tell where. It was in the right side of my brain near the temporal lobe. Nothing painful, nothing to hurt me, but enough to cause a nervous tension. As I say this is just personal experience, and please don't take those words as facts. And it seem that the only way to release this nervous tension was by watching sex images again. But I would not do it. Although I would masturbate, but it was not very self-sastifying anymore.
I also realizef that I had no ability whatsover to visualize graphic images in my head other than pornographic images. Any images of a mountain or a sunset, or lake with forest; revealed absolutly zero interest. There had to be a naked woman somewhere or something else to not only be arising, but awake any sens of interest.
So I started to try to visualize images that had no sexual pornographic content in them by doing lots of meditation and readings; one of the first obstacle that I encountered was that those pornographic images would come and interfere with the more healthy and sane images of a classical book. In other words, while reading Shakespear or say National Geographic, I would become very horny.
That's sounds a little funny, but for anybody who has been through sexual addiction, it isn't at all.
Now we are in a period of two years away from stopping pornography; and even in total silence and meditative state while reading classics, pornography still comes haunting me . My brain can generate those naughty images with absolutly no information input, not tv, no sex images for two years, at any given time; that's addiction.
Over a period of 5 to 6 years of intense meditation and visualization of sane and healthy pleasant images, my tension in my right brain phased away and I even started developing interest in visualizing a sunset, or a flower, or children laughing, or a beautiful waterfalls with rainbow shining on it.
But it took over 5 years my friend. I know this is not easy.
I also read the following from a neuroscientist who is an MD and I think made it's post grad study at I University of Phoenix; using MRI (magnetic resonance imaging), he noticed that when exposed to a series of images some of its lab rats had greater "excitability" to certain of them, so one rat really
liked that image of a winnie the poe for instance ( I can remember the exact image; I just made it up) and would "recognize" it when expose to that same stimuli again. Another rat would prefer johnny cash but wouldn't like the image of a carrot, or a horse.
The preference was manifested by stronger and focal activity at the temporal lobe of the brain.
He postulated that the occipital lobe at the back of our brain is indeed for visual, but it's more for building images; it's function is to build them for identication, and recognition, not much for storage. The temporal lobe would not only dealing with sound but possiblty also with storing highly graphic images; he used the example of a picture of our grand mother with all the details of her face, skin, wrinkles and so on.
I think that reading a book on sexuality is a good start.
I also think that meditation and training our mind at visualizing different things or different sounds and developing an interest in them is equally important. This is a long process indeed. But in the end you will gain a lot.
As Mrs Epp has accurately pointed out, sexual addiction is not reconized yet as a psychological and social problem; the stage in which we lie today in sexuality is somehow analogous to alcohol in the 50s which was not recognize either and was also considered a taboo subject. I will tell you from my own experience; I should say that I am a graduate student of a branch of the medical science, which does not make me an MD. However being young, and heavely exposed to pornographic images throughout my adolescence, and early adulthood as most people of my generation have been, I think I can speak about sexual addiction with a good understanding of it, and how it can affect someone's life.
The main problem for me as always been the graphic. At the age of 12 or 13, I suspect that the brain is highly vulnerable to graphic sexual input of the sort seen in pornographic movies. Although today , as an adult and having somehow overcome this "sexual addiction" and having honestly quite a great sens digust at seeing those images, I remember my mind being strongly appealed by them as a younger person, to a point where I would need my sex movie "fit" almost every evening, even though I didn't sens a need to express my sexuality every time. That's the main difference in one phrase between being sexually healthy and sexually addicted. One might desire watching those images all the time even though one might not necessarly feel a need to ejaculate.
In my early 20s, being more mature and becoming more aware of how damaging to my brain and my relationships those images were, I completly stopped watching this stuff. But developed a great sens of nervous tension, that was focus in one part of my brain in fact, and I could even tell where. It was in the right side of my brain near the temporal lobe. Nothing painful, nothing to hurt me, but enough to cause a nervous tension. As I say this is just personal experience, and please don't take those words as facts. And it seem that the only way to release this nervous tension was by watching sex images again. But I would not do it. Although I would masturbate, but it was not very self-sastifying anymore.
I also realizef that I had no ability whatsover to visualize graphic images in my head other than pornographic images. Any images of a mountain or a sunset, or lake with forest; revealed absolutly zero interest. There had to be a naked woman somewhere or something else to not only be arising, but awake any sens of interest.
So I started to try to visualize images that had no sexual pornographic content in them by doing lots of meditation and readings; one of the first obstacle that I encountered was that those pornographic images would come and interfere with the more healthy and sane images of a classical book. In other words, while reading Shakespear or say National Geographic, I would become very horny.
That's sounds a little funny, but for anybody who has been through sexual addiction, it isn't at all.
Now we are in a period of two years away from stopping pornography; and even in total silence and meditative state while reading classics, pornography still comes haunting me . My brain can generate those naughty images with absolutly no information input, not tv, no sex images for two years, at any given time; that's addiction.
Over a period of 5 to 6 years of intense meditation and visualization of sane and healthy pleasant images, my tension in my right brain phased away and I even started developing interest in visualizing a sunset, or a flower, or children laughing, or a beautiful waterfalls with rainbow shining on it.
But it took over 5 years my friend. I know this is not easy.
I also read the following from a neuroscientist who is an MD and I think made it's post grad study at I University of Phoenix; using MRI (magnetic resonance imaging), he noticed that when exposed to a series of images some of its lab rats had greater "excitability" to certain of them, so one rat really
liked that image of a winnie the poe for instance ( I can remember the exact image; I just made it up) and would "recognize" it when expose to that same stimuli again. Another rat would prefer johnny cash but wouldn't like the image of a carrot, or a horse.
The preference was manifested by stronger and focal activity at the temporal lobe of the brain.
He postulated that the occipital lobe at the back of our brain is indeed for visual, but it's more for building images; it's function is to build them for identication, and recognition, not much for storage. The temporal lobe would not only dealing with sound but possiblty also with storing highly graphic images; he used the example of a picture of our grand mother with all the details of her face, skin, wrinkles and so on.
I think that reading a book on sexuality is a good start.
I also think that meditation and training our mind at visualizing different things or different sounds and developing an interest in them is equally important. This is a long process indeed. But in the end you will gain a lot.
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