This forum is for questions and support regarding relationship issues such as: Abstinence, Arousal Problems, Birth Control, Cohabitation, Commitment, Communication, Couples Counseling, Desire /Lack of Desire, Sexual Technique.
I have been having questions about my sexuality + what sexual attraction is. Is sexual attraction determined by who you desire to have sex with or who you find more arousing to look at? Or either? It's my nature to obsess over various issues and this is 1 of them. B/c I'm analyzing this so much, I feel so anxious + then my sexual desire plummets.
I'm generally more aroused by the aesthetics of a woman's body over a man's (mainly in erotic pictures like Playboy) which made me wonder if I was a lesbian. However, if I try to think about sex with a woman, it usually feels weird. Have nothing against gays and lesbians and do not see homosexuality as wrong or unnatural. But it feels weird for me.
If I look at a picture of a muscular guy, I usually won't feel aroused like for a picture of a scantily clad woman. But when I spontaneously feel sexual desire, it's usually for a man + it feels really great and arousing + enjoyed physical intimacy with men. When a man I am interested is mutually interested in me, it's a thrilling feeling. It's usually for whatever man romantically interests me @ the time and it is some combo of looks and personality which makes me desire them...not looks alone and sometimes looks are not a big part @ all.
Taking both into account, this may make me bisexual. But, I read that sexual fantasies don't mean anything in regards to sexual attraction. Yesterday, I fantasized about a man sexually, + was getting turned on + then shortly into it, wondered if I was really attracted to the guy or not since I may not be turned on by just looking at the him. Desire went away. If sexual attraction is based primarily on who you get aroused by looks alone + sexual desire + fantasy do not mean anything, then it sounds like I could be lesbian?
OK. Relax and stop obsessing. Sexual attraction is whatever it is for you. There’s no universal definition. You are whatever you are. Human sexuality is incredibly diverse. We humans have a tendency to want to put everyone into a box, so we label people according to “race,” “sexual orientation,” etc., when these are incredibly fluid and often inaccurate labels.
Rather than trying to put YOURSELF in one of those boxes, why not just trust your feelings and embrace who you are. The answer to: “What are you? Bisexual, Heterosexual, homosexual?” is: “I’m sexual.” In other words, you’re a sexual being with the capacity to be aroused by certain imagery at certain times. This doesn’t necessarily mean you want to act on that arousal—and it can also mean that sometimes, you might WANT to act on that arousal. It depends on how you feel at that moment.
The latest research on sexuality indicates that women are much more fluid in this area than men—particularly in our ability to be aroused by images of both men and women, even if we’re only romantically attracted to men.
I think your worrying is interfering with your desire. The sooner you accept yourself and stop trying to fit into some ideal, the sooner you can embrace and love who you are. Dr. J
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