Sexual addiction

[Brown Eyed Gurl]

I'm 23 and married almost 2 years but have been with my husband 8 years now and during this 8 years I have cheated with 9 other men....I don't know why and as silly as it sounds I can't stop....I do want to stop I want to be faithful.  But even though I know I am hurting him and my family I can't stop I am left always wanting more.  Sex is ruining my marriage and my life.  Is this possible sexual addiction?  If so is there any help?

[Janice M Epp, PhD]

Hi.

Hi.

Labeling problematic behavior as a “disease” is not helpful. We use sex for all kinds of reasons, including to distract ourselves from pain in our lives, low self-esteem, etc. Just as many unhappy people may watch TV all day to distract themselves, or shop constantly, some of us may use sex.

If you see a counselor who is skilled in helping people with sexual issues, you can begin to explore just what it is you are using sex for. Once you understand that, you can decide what path you want to follow. Good luck to you. Dr. J

[Phoenix223]

I am also a young woman in a committed relationship & I have been in recovery from sex addiction for 5 years now. No one can tell you what to do, but if your behaviors or keeping these behaviors as secrets  are affecting your family, work, self image, then maybe you need to find help. SAA (sex addicts anonomous-sp?) should be in your local phone book or look them up on-line. There are most likely meetings in your area & you can attend a few to see if the program is right for you. Also, there is a program called SLAA (sex and love addicts anon.) that might be right for you as well. I wish you the best...

[Brown Eyed Gurl]

Thank you both for your understanding and advice...I will look into SAA I do need help and I do want to fix my marriage.....it has been on the rocks since day one.....and I do love my husband but when it comes down to it I don't even think about the consiquences til after the act.  The last two men have been coworkers....well the last one is my boss and it just ened a couple weeks ago.  I feel like a slave to this lifestyle of shame and secrets and it's ruining my life...I want so bad to get on the road to recovery....most ppl I've admitted this problem to have just said it's all in my head and I could stop if I want....well I want and I just keep doing it....I need help.

[Phoenix223]

Most of my friends laughed & didn't take me seriously. I heard alot of "How can you be addicted to sex?" There's no such thing as too much sex! They just didn't understand all the secrets, lying, and shame that comes with these particular types of relationships. I'm sure you will find many people with similar stories in a recovery program that can help support you ...I wish you the best.

[Brown Eyed Gurl]

I'm actually in tears to read these posts b/c my friends too just laugh and think I'm joking but I'm not it's serious and it's controlling my life and ruining it too...I want to stop bur I can't...I really can't I've tried and I've gone almost a year before with no indescretions but it always happens again...I've tried to explain it to my husband when I'm caught and he thinks it's that I don't want to...but I do I really really do.....I made an appt with a counselor but I can't find any SAA groups close to me.....but maybe they can help me anyways.

[Phoenix223]

Catie207...first of all, I'M NOT "doing this" anymore & have been in recovery for 5 years. I AM trying to help someone else who needs it. And quite honestly, we shouldn't have to answer for our actions. We are not a freak show! The purpose of this forum isn't so that you can say "Gee, I just don't know why you're doing this!" and then proceed to play 20 questions with us. The purpose of this forum is to find help and support, not criticisms.  We are people that are addicts, need help, and want healthy relationships.  Not bad, sick people, who are here for your amusement. Honestly, sex addiction is a very personal and sometimes very embarassing addiction. It doesn't matter WHY someone does what they do, all that matters is that they get the help they need. Everyone's reasons are different, please respect their privacy.

*As for Brown Eyed Gurl, here is the link to the SAA website. There may be a small meeting or a sponsor nearby that you weren't able to find. Also, there are tele-meetings (phone meetings) so that you can at least get suport over the phone if there aren't any meetings in your immediate area. Once again, I wish you the best of luck & if you need someone to talk to, feel free to contact me.   http://www.sexaa.org/

[Brown Eyed Gurl]

well I really don't know why I do it...and at the time I just fell extacy like a high I feel like I'm irresistable.. that's my biggest thing I like to feel like no man can resist me and when they do I feel really really hopeless.....

[mami2karina]

Sex addiction is hard, I've been battling it since I was 15 years old.  So far for the last year I've been doing really good.  I'm in a stable relationship and I can honestly say that I have no cheated on my partner.  He's a good man and I feel safe with him.  Therapy is a good place to start. SAA is hard to find here in MO.  I've looked, the closest one to me is in St. Joseph.  And I feel the same way as you.  I'd go out, all dressed up, sometimes not and they just fall all over me.  But thinking about it now, they knew I was a sure thing.  They didn't know about the addiction, but people talk.  But right now I'm okay.  I was raped, and that's how I got pregnant with my son, that kind of changed my perspective on things.  I love my son dearly, and I'm in a stable relationship now and we're actually planning on getting married in the next couple of years.  We're actually expecting our first child together, that was a big surprise since i was on the pill.  But I believe everything works out for the best.  You need to be honest with your husband. It's not fair to him.  I know the struggle the two of you had to have your babies, he loves you.  And if your love is strong it will withstand anything life throws at it.  And your right, admission is the first step.  But your husband also deserves to know.  What if you were to contract a disease and unknowingly give it to him?  That would be devastating.  If you need anything feel free to email me, it's ***@****, I'll be there to listen, and tell you more if you want.  I'll be non-judgemental, as I've been through this and judging a person is the LAST thing that helps.

Brittany

[AndiJ78]

Has anyone considered the possibility of a bi-polar component. It is not uncommon for people to deal with heightened sexual needs during manic phases.

Just a thought...

[Brown Eyed Gurl]

I have thought about the possiblity of bi polar I have an appt with a counselor Nov 25 and I'm hoping to learn more about my problems

[AndiJ78]

A counselor or a doctor? I would recommend discussing this with a psychologist. Given your prior posts going between no drive and hyper-sex drive I would seriously consider this as a possibility.

I do agree this needs to be figured out and addressed now. This is not a healthy situation for anyone involved and will only lead to more problems.

[Brown Eyed Gurl]

I have an appt with a psycholigist or at leat I think she is.... I do know I have a problem and I need help

[abby84]

ONE PROBLEM WAS YOU STARTED HAVING SEX AT 15 YRS OLD. IF HE IS THE ONLY PERSON YOU HAVE BEEN WITH YOU PROBABLY ARE COURIOUS ABOUT OTHER SEXUAL RELATIONS. SOMETIMES PEOPLE FEEL UNSATISFIED OR UNSURE IF THIS IS ALL AND I AM GOING TO BE HERE WITH HIM TILL I DIE. SINCE YOU ARE VERY YOUNG AND HAVE BEEN WITH HIM FOR A LONG TIME THIS COULD BE HAPPENNING TO YOU. THE ONLY REASON YOU WANT TO TEST DRIVE ANOTHER CAR IS BECAUSE YOU  WONDER IF YOU MISSED SOMETHING. THE VERY BEGINNING OF A RELATIONSHIP IS EXCITING BUT AS TIME PROGRESSES THE RELATIONSHIP CAN CHANGE AND BECOME LESS SPONTATEOUS AND PERSONALITIES CHANGE. IF YOU REALLY DO CARE ABOUT HIM PUT THE RELATIONSHIP FIRST. FORGET THESE OTHER GUYS THEIR IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LOVE AND LUST. THE SEX WITH THESE OTHER MEN; IS MORE THAN LIKELY A SEXUAL FANTASY. IT NOT THAT SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOU. YOU JUST NEED TO DECIDE WHAT YOU WANT TO DO. THIS IS A NORMAL GROWING STAGE IN YOUR LIFE AND YOU ARE JUST TRYING TO FIND OUT WHO YOU ARE AND BEING STATISFIED WITH YOURSELF. IT IS LIKE THEY SAY MR &  MRS JONES THE WIFE BECOMES THE HUSBAND THE HUSBAND DOESNT BECOME THE WIFE { YOU LOST YOUR IDENITY} BECAUSE WHEN YOU WERE GOING TO DISCOVER YOURSELF YOU HAD ALREADY BECOME HIM.

DOES YOUR PARTNER STATISFY YOUR NEEDS AND IS HE LISTENING TO YOU AND TREATING WITH RESPECT?
IF HE IS CRITICAL, CONTROLING, WEAK, NOT AVALIABLE THEN THIS CAN SOMETIMES CAUSE YOU TO TURN TO  SOMEONE FOR COMFORT. YOU NEED TO REMAIN STRONG BUILD YOUR SELF-ESTEEM. DID YOU FINISH SCHOOL? YOU NEED TO FIGURE OUT WHO YOU ARE. BECAUSE FOR 8 YEARS YOU HAVE BEEN LIVING AN ADULT LIFE {SEX} AND IT IS CATCHING UP TO YOU. DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I MEAN?



                       GOOD LUCK      ABBY