Sexuality issues taking over my life scared

[xand]

I am very confused about my sexuality, and lately this is causing major problems in my life, i'm 24 and have felt strange about all this for about 9 years. I supressed same sex attraction up to a point ie only fantasised, but have never had sex with a woman. In a physical sense i find the male body attractive but cannot imagine dating a guy or settling down with one. There are times i still feel a strong attraction to women, or there used to be.
Well the last year or so has been really hard, i hooked up with another guy this summer and we fooled around and i then made myself have an hiv test. Then the other weekend i fooled around with a guy i know casually but did not have full sex. He told me he was clear and has been in touch since. But i cannot help thinking i'm going to have HIV or hepatitis or that my test result was wrong and i infected him.
The above sounds like the ramblings of a madman but i'm so scared can anyone suggest a solution...

[Janice M Epp, PhD]

Hi there.

Thanks so much for writing, because these issues are very common, and yet most people are uncomfortable asking them. So you get the Gold Star for the day for asking questions that will enlighten everyone.

It sounds like you’re expressing two concerns—one related to sexual orientation and one related to your health.

In my experience, most people who self-define as bisexual are usually less bisexual when it comes to falling in love. It’s not unusual for a man who’s romantically oriented towards women to also enjoy playing with other men. Regarding sexual orientation, sexological research has discovered that many people are very fluid in their sexuality: In fact, people all over the map: exploring same-sex fantasies one day, falling in love with the other sex the next—and every other variation you can think of. I hope you won’t put pressure on yourself to make some sort of decision and label yourself. Why not just be who you are? I know it can complicate potential relationships, but aren’t we more than just what we do with our crotch?

Why not explore your sexual and romantic feelings? You may have to deal with issues of disclosure if you find yourself getting serious about someone, but you’ll also have to deal with lots of non-sexual issues as well, for instance, what if you fall in love with someone from a very orthodox family and you’re agnostic? You get the picture: once you’re involved in an adult relationship, you have to work out lots of things, not just sex.

As to your sexual health: It sounds like your discomfort with your sexual orientation is creating an anxiety about STD’s/STI’s. Of course, statistically, your chances are increased when you have unprotected sex with a man, but risk reduction is important when being sexual with EITHER sex, so do get comfortable with condoms, etc.

In closing, I have a question for you: What do YOU think is going on with your emotions? You probably have more insight than you’ve given yourself credit for. Dr. J

[anton42]

It sounds like your not really enjoying the sex you're having no matter whom it's with.
If you're preoccupied with catching some kind of illness then you should probably take some time away from sex and figure out if it's worth all this frustration. (at least for now)
All your guys should wear condoms, everytime. No excuses. If you're still worried you need to ask your doctor. That will releave your tension.

The first part of your question seems a little foggy.
As far as your sexual preference, do you think that guys are more dirty than woman?
It may or may not be true, but it's what YOU feel in your head that makes the difference.
Just from what you write, you may not be getting the respect from guys that you are receiving from women you know.  Respect is very sexy and very attractive.

Try taking some time off and looking for what really attracts you to guys or girls.
Make a note book if it helps. Your action will not be as often, but your relationships will probably gain in quality.

[LoosyLucy]

hi,
it sounds almost like maybe you're preoccupied with this so it becomes a problem? there is nothing wrong with attraction to both men and women, and with both you need to be totally protected. but sometimes it seems like if something is taboo to you, or off-limits, it starts to preoccupy you and become attractive in a way. but do you consider yourself bisexual? when you repress something it sometimes will come back ten fold, so maybe if you relax and just see who you naturally are attracted to... but are you concerned mostly with your sexual preference, or with disease? because you can get disease through anyone and maybe if you just are protected all of the time it will be less of a preoccupation with you and you can relax...?

[anton42]

It's interesting that when Xand posted this question the profile read Female and now it reads Male.

Sounds like someone playing games.....

[xand]

I'm not playing games in all honesty here, i'm a man that profile setting was wrong from the beginning of my profile on here

[jerrybee]

Xand, I'm sure you know that fantasizing about same sex trysts is quite universal.  :)  In other words, everybody does that.

It's how we *feel about* those fantasies that we need to deal with I think;  not the normal function of having the fantasies.  If you feel badly about it, then talk it through with a trusted old friend, relative or professional councellor, along with the other issues you mention (diseases, etc).  You may discover why those thoughts/worries are poluting your sex life:  a parent or other person scared you about it when you were a kid?  .. etc

As far as you sexual orientation goes, that'll come around in time.  Some of us take a long, long time to sort it all out, don't worry.  Make friends.  Choose them carefully of course.  :)