Tired and Lonely

My husband and I have been married for 13 years.  We are successful people and live a comfortable lifestyle.  However, my husband is a diabetic who has experienced bouts with impotence for over 11 years.  Our sex life has become nonexistent.  We have not had sex, of any kind, in over 7 years.  I have always had a very high sex drive and now feel like I am trapped in this sexless lifestyle.  I am now at the point where I am seriously thinking about having an affair.  I take very good care of myself and have been approached by many men that are interested in me.  I am so confused.  I love my husband, and I would hate to hurt him.  I know he would just die if he ever found out.  I have talked to him about the situation but he does nothing, in my opinion, to correct his problem.  Although, I must give him some credit he did try Viagra once but didn't like the way it made him feel, so he never used it again.  I know I might sound a selfish but I feel he is being selfish as well.  He goes on with life as if nothing is wrong, I, on the other hand, am on antidepressants trying to make it day to day.  

Don't get me wrong, I do love my husband but I love myself too.  I just need a partner to share my love of sex.  

[[e-mail]]

Hello Belonely,
It's so unfortunate that time changes many things in people lives. However, honesty never changes. You must pick a day & time to let your husband know your situation. I understand your situation because my partner suddenly decided sex was not important. I took her on a date and explained to her that sex was important in our relationship and that I need it. We have been married 15 years and now I have a casual partner that I engage sex with twice a week. Just be honest!
James

[donb_fl]

i take it he has had a full workup by a doctor? Is it just ED or no libido? any antidepressants or any other meds he is on? There is a cause somewhere for no libido and you need to explore it with him and find it and cure it, or your relationship wont last..

[belonely]

My husband is a diabetic and take several pills daily.  I know this is a major part of his problem.  Don't get me wrong my thoughts are not casual and spare of the moment.  I have done everything I can think of.  I have talked til I am blue in the face.  I have told him for years how I feel.  He tells me we will try and he will do better and things might change for a week or so but nothing after that.  I am at my wits end and don't know what else to do.  

After reading these comments I have decided professional counseling might be the best things to save our marriage.  

[papa25]

dont doit

[DocByWebTest]

Im curious.. where is the doctors response... Pepper? I thought if you paid for a question the forum moderator was the one that answered or one of his/her colleagues?

How do we differentiate your people from anyone posting?

With all due respect..

TY,

[donb_fl]

diabetics have lots of hormone problems , besides therapy, i think he needs this checked.. of course that is my major (endocrinology) so im prejudiced... lol..

[Coach27]

My wife and I have been married for 11 years.  Like you I have always had a high sex drive, and I've never ignored that very important part of myself inspite of the fact I'm married to a woman who I perceive as having a low sex drive.  by saying I've never ignored it, I guess you could say I've taken matters into my own hand........ ; )

I've had those same conversations with her, and unfortunately when the topic of sex comes up, a wall goes up simulataneously.  She gets so defensive and wonders why its such a big deal.  I think for a non sexual person her response if understandable.  For a highly sexual person like myself, her response smacks of indiffence to my needs.  

For the last eighteen months I have heard all the things that she wanted me to change in order for her to be the sexual person I need.  I didn't just listen, I implemented those changes into my life.  One of her biggest complaints was that she perceived me as not being a happy person.  Yet, when I told her the only thing I was unhappy about was the amount of intimacy we were sharing, and if that were to change, surely my upbeat mood would follow I saw no change in how she would go about addressing my needs.  

We're in a classic struggle for control.  She feels as though giving into my need for greater sexual intimacy, is allowing me to be in control.  Whereas she wants me to be the one to make concessions where her needs are concerned, and perhaps that will be the means to enjoy more of what I want.  But, I did all that she wanted and still there was little in the way of positive actions on her part.  So now I'm just a incredibly frustrated man, who is happy with most everything in our lives except our sexual relationship.  And because sex is such a big deal for me, it does shape my mood tremendously.  I don't know how many years I have to go pasting a smile on my face and acting all giddy and happy inspite of the fact I'm miserable not feeling desired or wanted by my wife.

I know I'm not an undesirable man.  I'm tall, very muscular, handsome, well enducated, highly compensated professional that women find very engaging.  Sexually, I was very experienced prior to marriage, and I have made a point of wanting to be sexually pleasing to my wife my number one priority.  I love sharing myself with an engaging sexually vibrant woman.  I'm not sure she'll ever be capable of being that person to me and that breaks my heart.  I love my wife, and I am both emotionally and physically attracted to her.  

Where I used to hold out hope that she'd one day be more willing to experiment and experience different things in our sexual relationship, now I'm just hoping that she'll just want to enjoy plain ole vanilla sex with her husband no less than twice a week.  I really have an appetite to enjoy sex with her on a daily basis.  Twice a day if that was possible.  I love starting off the day with a bang, and carrying it over into the shower.  And of course sleep is always better if we've both experienced orgasms before our heads hit the pillows.  

I have thought of taking a lover to satiate my appetite.  Cheating is not something I would be enthusastic about, but if I did ever decide that was what was needed, I think the end result would be my wife getting what she wanted.  A happier husband.  I'm 45 years old, and my sex drive is more intense now then it has ever been.  I thank the Lord for that, but also given how I'm precluded from enjoying that part of myself with my wife often think of it as a curse.  I was not meant to be in a sexless, or sometime sexual marriage.  If we didn't have three kids, I think I'd leave her inspite of how much I love her.  Why?  Because I can't really go on ignoring my need for the feel of skin on skin.  

I don't like to think about what would happen if she ever found out.  but the warning signs have been there.  I have voiced my concerns and disppointment so many times I've lost count.  her continued indifference almost makes me feel justified in seeking out a partner with whom I can share a connected passionate and intense sexual relationship with.  

We are in counseling, and honestly the counselor is finding her very defensive regarding this issue.  I don't think anyone likes to think of themselves as being adverse to sex.  But it really is one of life's most simple pleasures, and while I'm still verile and busting with testosterone, I want to enjoy that part of myself with someone that enjoys sex as much as I do.

I continue to be patient, but its hard keeping this pasted on smile attached to my face.  I am going to do more to continue meeting her needs and see if that has any positive results.  It took us nine years to get into this rut, and like the counselor has told us, it may take years to get out of it.  I just don't know if I can hold out that long.  

[flamemcbain]

I think we are living almost the same lives...I'm feeling sad, lonely, and just ugly right now.  I was involved with a man who couldn't keep his hands off me, the sex was great, very bonding and passionate. I felt sexy, alive, vibrant and just plain good. Unfortunately the rest of the relationship was not working....
I then met a wonderful man, he would treat me like a princess and the lust/sex was there...not as intense as my previous realtionship but I was satisfied and feeling good.  We moved in together, bought a house, became engaged....the sex just stopped.  He is diabetic and was trying to control it with diet/meds but has not been trying lately.  We have talked about it a few times and how it effects me..he says its embarassing for him etc.  Finally after seven months he gets Viagara and it is sitting in his night table for about 6 weeks now.  I feel like his sister/roomate and I a getting resentful about.  I am concerned about my future, my mind wanders back to my ex lover and how great it was to have that physical intimacy.  I am questioning myself about living with this man now...he is wonderful but am I going to end up spending the rest of my life as his roomate? possibly looking after a blind, amputee down the road...I'm sad, emotional and sick of it already...what do I do now?  Sometimes I wish I still lived alone and didn't have to deal with any of this stuff.  We are middle aged people but I still need some sort of intimacy, it is humilating for me to pursue and ask anymore for sex..