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Sexuality & Relationships (Expert Forum)
Unable to ejaculate during partner sexual activities and sex, onyl during self masturbation
Answered by
Janice M Epp, PhD - Female sexual issues, Adolescent sexuality, Male sexual issues
Private Practice
Palo Alto - CA
This forum is for questions and support regarding relationship issues such as: Abstinence, Arousal Problems, Birth Control, Cohabitation, Commitment, Communication, Couples Counseling, Desire /Lack of Desire, Sexual Technique.
Unable to ejaculate during partner sexual activities and sex, onyl during self masturbation
by desperatehelp, Sep 07, 2009 11:42PM
Hello I'm at 20 year old male. At an early age I started to masturbate by thrusting my hips and penis into my cupped hand while laying on the ground. That is the only was i am able to achieve an orgasm and ejaculation. My problem is that when my girlfriend and I engage in sexual activities I am unable to perform as most normal males. I do achieve an erection no problem but the past several times I have lost the erection during intercourse. I have consulted a urologist who explained to me that i may require more sensitivity and that there were no physical obstructions or abnormalities wrong with me, then my family doctor has informed me that the problem may be psychological. What should i do, should i quit masturbating all together and see a shrink. Is there any medication or remedies that i may use to be able to ejaculate or achieve an orgasm. Please help me as I have no where else that i can turn to for help. Please!!!
Doctor's Answer
by Janice M Epp, PhD, Sep 09, 2009 08:19PM
, Sep 09, 2009 08:19PMTo: desperatehelp
Hello.
First of all, your attitude is getting in your way. You have to stop judging yourself as "normal" or "abnormal." When it comes to sex, there's no such thing. There's only what works for you.
Certainly, if you've gotten used to a self-pleasuring pattern which works for you, it can be difficult to make the transition to penis-vagina sex (p-v), which sometimes may not provide as effective stimulation--particularly if you're using condoms that are very thick. One thing I suggest is that you experiment and find thinner condoms which don't get in the way of stimulation. In addition, the best way to get more easily turned on is to use the very effective tool of sexual fantasy. If you conjur up a very hot fantasy, it may just be the trick to put you over the edge, so to speak.
If you have no medical issues, then it's probably that it's your attitude that's getting in the way. Here's some general information.
Performance is the enemy of both pleasure and fun. The #1 cause of male sexual concerns is quite simply that many men focus on their performance rather than on their pleasure. Ads for so-called “male enhancement” products play upon this fear. How many times have you seen one that says: “Men! Concerned about your performance?” and so on. Beware: this message is designed to sell products, not to help you.
Picture this: You’re an actor, shooting a scene in which you’re eating a succulent gourmet dinner. You’re focused on your lines and technique, but not on the food. How much do you think you’d enjoy the actual meal? Well, sex is the same: if you focus on performance, you’re just working; and with an attitude like that, you’ll miss out on all of the fun.
Oh, sure, sometimes performing can be enjoyable; but eventually it’s just work. Have you bought into this model? If so, you might have discovered that sex is beginning to feel like a chore instead of fun. The first step in letting go of this attitude is educating yourself. Read The New Male Sexuality by Bernie Zilbergeld, a classic and still the best book on the subject. My male students swear by it. It will also help you to open up and share your concerns with a partner. I’ll let you in on a secret: some men assume their partners want them to perform, but that usually isn’t the case. You might find there’s more room for flexibility than you ever thought possible.
Let’s discuss developing erection reliability: Do you feel you always have to be in charge and it’s up to you to initiate sex? How does this make you feel? Are you comfortable telling your partner what you need? Try exploring any conflicts you may have about being sexual, including any past negative messages that have bothered you regarding any aspect of sex, especially issues that come up when you think about what being “manly” means to you. I’m sure it won’t surprise you to learn that many men sometimes just want to be held, kissed and stroked. You should also ask yourself whether you’re angry at a partner or feeling resentful.
It might help you to know that erections can change over the course of a lifetime, and while they may be different, this does not mean you can’t still have a great sex life.
When you're younger and just beginning to be sexual with others, erections pop up everywhere--including when you don't want them! Post-pubescent men are highly excitable. As you age, you’ll find that you need more direct touch and stimulation, especially if you use condoms, which can limit sensation somewhat.
This is just part of life and doesn’t indicate any underlying condition to worry about.
Also as part of the aging process, you'll find that erections sometimes take longer, and even come and go. Again, this is not an indication if ill health, but just part of life. Have you ever looked up something on the internet and then got so distracted by something that popped up that you forgot what you were originally looking for? Well, like many other things, sexual interest ebbs and flows, depending on other circumstances in your life. Your medical condition can also affect blood flow to your penis, resulting in less firm or less frequent erections. Be aware that the more stress you’re under, the less energy your body has to respond sexually. In other words, stop worrying!
Worrying about erections is a dead-end street. All it will do is make you anxious, which will make your penis even more uncooperative. Don’t forget that you don't need an erection to be sexual, have fun, experience pleasure, etc. Relax, enjoy your own unique sexuality and stop judging yourself. And find partners who aren’t hung up on outdated macho ideas of what constitutes “good” sex. Most of us are more interested in a caring, sensitive partner than one with a “porn star” penis. Don't get stuck in that mentality of thinking that there's something you can take to "fix" everything. There isn't. It's up to you to get to know yourself and what's getting in the way for you. Once you've done that, you'll feel ever so much better about yourself, as well as taking charge of your sexuality. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
First of all, your attitude is getting in your way. You have to stop judging yourself as "normal" or "abnormal." When it comes to sex, there's no such thing. There's only what works for you.
Certainly, if you've gotten used to a self-pleasuring pattern which works for you, it can be difficult to make the transition to penis-vagina sex (p-v), which sometimes may not provide as effective stimulation--particularly if you're using condoms that are very thick. One thing I suggest is that you experiment and find thinner condoms which don't get in the way of stimulation. In addition, the best way to get more easily turned on is to use the very effective tool of sexual fantasy. If you conjur up a very hot fantasy, it may just be the trick to put you over the edge, so to speak.
If you have no medical issues, then it's probably that it's your attitude that's getting in the way. Here's some general information.
Performance is the enemy of both pleasure and fun. The #1 cause of male sexual concerns is quite simply that many men focus on their performance rather than on their pleasure. Ads for so-called “male enhancement” products play upon this fear. How many times have you seen one that says: “Men! Concerned about your performance?” and so on. Beware: this message is designed to sell products, not to help you.
Picture this: You’re an actor, shooting a scene in which you’re eating a succulent gourmet dinner. You’re focused on your lines and technique, but not on the food. How much do you think you’d enjoy the actual meal? Well, sex is the same: if you focus on performance, you’re just working; and with an attitude like that, you’ll miss out on all of the fun.
Oh, sure, sometimes performing can be enjoyable; but eventually it’s just work. Have you bought into this model? If so, you might have discovered that sex is beginning to feel like a chore instead of fun. The first step in letting go of this attitude is educating yourself. Read The New Male Sexuality by Bernie Zilbergeld, a classic and still the best book on the subject. My male students swear by it. It will also help you to open up and share your concerns with a partner. I’ll let you in on a secret: some men assume their partners want them to perform, but that usually isn’t the case. You might find there’s more room for flexibility than you ever thought possible.
Let’s discuss developing erection reliability: Do you feel you always have to be in charge and it’s up to you to initiate sex? How does this make you feel? Are you comfortable telling your partner what you need? Try exploring any conflicts you may have about being sexual, including any past negative messages that have bothered you regarding any aspect of sex, especially issues that come up when you think about what being “manly” means to you. I’m sure it won’t surprise you to learn that many men sometimes just want to be held, kissed and stroked. You should also ask yourself whether you’re angry at a partner or feeling resentful.
It might help you to know that erections can change over the course of a lifetime, and while they may be different, this does not mean you can’t still have a great sex life.
When you're younger and just beginning to be sexual with others, erections pop up everywhere--including when you don't want them! Post-pubescent men are highly excitable. As you age, you’ll find that you need more direct touch and stimulation, especially if you use condoms, which can limit sensation somewhat.
This is just part of life and doesn’t indicate any underlying condition to worry about.
Also as part of the aging process, you'll find that erections sometimes take longer, and even come and go. Again, this is not an indication if ill health, but just part of life. Have you ever looked up something on the internet and then got so distracted by something that popped up that you forgot what you were originally looking for? Well, like many other things, sexual interest ebbs and flows, depending on other circumstances in your life. Your medical condition can also affect blood flow to your penis, resulting in less firm or less frequent erections. Be aware that the more stress you’re under, the less energy your body has to respond sexually. In other words, stop worrying!
Worrying about erections is a dead-end street. All it will do is make you anxious, which will make your penis even more uncooperative. Don’t forget that you don't need an erection to be sexual, have fun, experience pleasure, etc. Relax, enjoy your own unique sexuality and stop judging yourself. And find partners who aren’t hung up on outdated macho ideas of what constitutes “good” sex. Most of us are more interested in a caring, sensitive partner than one with a “porn star” penis. Don't get stuck in that mentality of thinking that there's something you can take to "fix" everything. There isn't. It's up to you to get to know yourself and what's getting in the way for you. Once you've done that, you'll feel ever so much better about yourself, as well as taking charge of your sexuality. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
Member Comments (2)
by gagootza, Oct 05, 2009 08:46PM
To: desperatehelp
your to used to your own touch,stop masturbating and in time it will become more tender to her touch
