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Unable to ejaculate
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Unable to ejaculate

My husband has had trouble lately with being able to ejaculate. He is 29 and is over weight and I think also has high blood pressure. He says that the problem has nothing to do with me. When we have sex he can go for what seems like forever but cannot release. Can you give me some suggestions or ideas on what this could be?
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523042_tn?1212181495
Hello.

First, I'm wondering why your husband isn't posting this instead of you. This suggests that it's more of a problem for you, which, in turn, suggests that perhaps sex isn't a priority for him right now. This is something for you to talk to about, but don't make him wrong. If you want to draw him out, give him the idea that you're open to hearing whatever he has to say and won't judge him.

I'm wondering whether your husband has given you any ideas about what he thinks is going on. It sounds like he's just brushing you off with the "it isn't you" comment, but doesn't want to examine what it actually IS.

Without knowing anything about you and your relationship, here are some possible contributing factors:

He may need more stimulation during penis-vagina sex (p-v), or may need to delay p-v until he's very, very turned on. I’m also wondering whether he's turned on by you. He could be bored, or perhaps some aspect of your relationship is no longer satisfying to him.

There could be other reasons he's not turned on: Men receive so many messages that sex is about “performance” and pleasing a partner, rather than just enjoying the pleasure of it. Everything is goal-oriented—like a football game. The other message that many men receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure. Some men are very affected by cultural or family messages that unmarried women who have sex are somehow “dirty” or evil. In addition, if he's using condoms, the wrong kind can dull sensations. If so, he should find a condom that's a good fit but is as thin as possible.

So, to recap: he may have negative attitudes about sex in general, or he may have performance issues or be bored or frustrated. Either way, it’s easy to get trapped in a cycle of trying too hard, which, in turn, just leads to more stress. Think about the issues I’ve raised and see if any sound like possibilities. Remember not to put pressure on him. There's more going on here, and the two of you need to talk about it. If you find that difficult, I suggest you see a therapist who is trained to help people with sexual concerns. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
6 Comments
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637356_tn?1301928422
I wish someone would have answered your question. I am searching for the same answer except the difference is my husband is not over weight and does not have high blood pressure.  He has also had his prostate checked and all tested came back normal.
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Avatar_n_tn
I am in the same boat with you two.  I also wish someone would have answered your question.  My husband has the same thing going on.  We are doing fertility treatments to try and get pregnant.  The doctor wants us to have intercourse 3 days in a row at the time of ovulation.  that is impossible.  He can only ejaculate like maybe 2 times a week.  An erection will last the entire time throughout intercourse, but like you said, cannot release. My friends tell me I'm so lucky bc he doesn't want it all the time.  But he's only 27....shouldn't his sex drive be like.....out the roof?!
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Avatar_n_tn
I know what you mean. My husband is only 28. I am not sure what to do and this sometimes makes me feel like it is something that I am or am not doing. We have talked about it but he says that it has nothing to do with me. I know that I went through a stage where I didn't want sex but it was because of the birth control that I was using. The entire time he pestered me to death, now I am the one doing the pestering...
When you and your husband have sex does it seem like a "job" because you are trying to get pregnant or is it like you can't get enough of it. I have heard that if it isn't spontaneous sometimes it is as exciting. Maybe you should try not telling him when you ovulate next time and make it seem like it was when you were first together.
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Avatar_n_tn
Well, the problem with that is that in our daily life when I'm not ovulating, we only do it maybe once a week.  So when the time comes when I am ovulating he knows it without my telling him because I initiate sex every night for 3 days.  Its like he's just.....tired almost.  I talk with my friends and they think I'm sooooo lucky because he doesn't want it everyday.  But it kinda just makes me feel like it's me.  It does feel like a job.  We've spent alot of money on medication and alot of time going to the doc like every week.  And our doc is 2 hours away. so when it takes a lot of time and money to get me to the point of ovulation...so when it's time for intercourse there is  alot of pressure.  I think that has alot to do with it.  We could go for insemination at the doc office instead of intercourse 3 nights in a row, but that's an extra $400 and he doesn't think he would be able to ejaculate for sure at a doc office.  Now any other time, not during ovulation, he has no problem.  It's just the 3 nights in a row thing.
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Avatar_n_tn
My husband never ejaculates and I am certain it's because he's bored or feels paranoid that he isn't pleasing me. Or maybe he is so used to masturbating that sex doesn't feel pleasurable. My self esteem has taken a beating for this! Eventually after being rejected daily, hearing the same excuses you hear, barely having any intimate contact and never being to able to complete the act..I decided to give up. It isn't worth the trouble and definitely isn't worth having the remainder of my self esteem trampled on. For me, I have started to focus on me and become engrossed in work activities, looking good (for myself), exercising and it feels good to hear the compliments and cat calls. It helps remind me that I am desirable especially when I feel down in the dumps...
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