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I have recently become sexually active with the girl I'm dating. She is the first woman I have been with in roughly 9 months. Our first attempt to have sex left me feeling embarrassed because I kept losing my erection until finally on try number 4 I was able to get it done. I had attributed this to the fact that I had a very exhausting work schedule the few days before that and hadn't slept much or eaten anything for 15 hours. We tried again in the morning and I had no problem getting aroused but went soft right away. After I went to work that day we had sex again and I was able to maintain my erection until she started giving me oral. The odd part was I felt a more intense body feeling than I have ever felt during any orgasm and I also had muscle spasms. Last night was the same scenario except I lost my erection immediately after penetration, I had the same crazy feeling in my body except this time my hands actually locked in a downward pointing position. I'm really freaked out over the whole thing because I really like this girl and see potential for an amazing relationship. She thinks that my going limp is somehow her fault and gets very upset when it happens because she thinks it's something she is or isn't doing that makes this happen. I've tried to reassure her that it's not her, but because I don't know what the problem is she doesn't believe me. I'm a 33 year old man in good health, I'm not over weight and I can keep an erection when I masturbate with no problem. What is wrong with me!? I'm at the point where I'm going to lose this girl and she's really the best thing that has happened to me in years. What could be causing me to go soft after being rock hard during foreplay? Could it be because of how frequently I masturbated when I was single? Is there a possibility it's Erectile Dysfunction? I'm really confused and worried at this point as I've never really had this issue before.
Take a deep breath and erase all the negative thoughts from your mind. Everything you THINK you know is incorrect and is getting in the way of your enjoying sex with this wonderful new woman.
First: self-pleasuring isn't the problem. Everyone always wants to blame it because we all feel uncomfortable with it. Second, there's no such thing as "erectile dysfunction." It's a meaningless term because it's used to refer to everything from a serious condition such as diabetes which damages the vascular system such that no blood flow occurs--which means no erections ever--to that one time you got into an argument and go so drunk your penis was numb. And everything in between.
So let's talk reality. At some point in their lives, most men have an experience that creates anxiety, which inhibits erection and/or orgasm.That's what happened to you. You wanted so badly to have great sex with this woman that you got anxious.
Our society does a terrible disservice to men by raising them to think that their penis has to be 10 inches long, hard as a rock and last all night. It’s no wonder that many men feel insecure about their sexuality. Great sex involves your whole body; in fact, having great, mutually satisfying sex is usually quite the opposite of what you see in those performance-oriented sex videos.
Your reference to "getting it done" tells me that you've fallen prey to many of the message that men receive about sex. The more you think of sex as being about performance, the more worries you'll have. If you're stressed, you'll probably worry even more. And this can be a vicious circle. For most of us, sex is about fun and pleasure. If you think of it as performance, or a “job,” you’ll set yourself for a stressful experience. Remember: Performance can be the enemy of pleasure and fun.
Men receive so many messages that sex is about “performance” and pleasing a partner, rather than just enjoying the pleasure of it. Everything is goal-oriented—like a football game. The other message that many men receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure.
Since you experience erections during self-pleasuring, it’s obvious there’s no medical or physiological condition interfering—it’s all in your head. Something about having p-v with this woman is causing you anxiety. What do you suppose it is? Is it possible that you’re worrying yourself into this problem? In other words, once you began to worry, you stopped being able to enjoy yourself, so naturally, your erections disappeared, and you created a self-fulfilling prophesy. Often, anxiety and nervousness create a situation in which you can't relax enough to feel pleasure. How would it be if the two of you talked about NOT focusing on penis-vagina sex for awhile and just being sensual together until you can relax? Touching for pleasure can be tremendously arousing, and women love it.
Worrying about erections is a dead-end street. All it will do is make you anxious, which will make your penis very uncooperative. And remember you don't need an erection to be sexual, have fun, experience pleasure, etc. Relax, enjoy your own unique sexuality and stop judging yourself.
Don't forget: YOU ARE IN CHARGE of your sexuality. Take a deep breath and look at the above issues to see if any relate to you. Once you can relax and stop putting pressure on yourself to please someone else, you can begin to discover just what it is that feels good to you. For more information about male sexual issues, I recommend “The New Male Sexuality,” by Bernie Zilbergeld, Ph.D., widely available online, both used and in paperback. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
(not a doctor btw)
Performance anxiety? Don't feel obligated to "get it done." Relax, if you feel embarrassed then try just giving her full attention.
Also, I'm a little confused but it sounds like you may orgasm during foreplay, before actually ejaculating? My bf has told me that happens sometimes. Like I said I'm a tad confused by the explanation, but I can tell you that stressing about it will not help. Try experimenting, maybe some different stimuli will give you a better response.
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