Aa
What to do with my boyfriend now?
I posted a question a bit back about having a boyfriend who was addicted to porn.
The porn never stopped and I did my best to be comfortable with it. We strengthened our relationship through it, and I realized just how unimportant porn was. It seemed that I made it a problem. Once I realized that the less I cared about it, the better things were, everything was going so much better.
Our relationship grew to the point that I was able to trust him going to a strip club. Of course I never thought I'd be okay with something like that but I realized that no matter what he looked at or fantasized about, he was still with me.
Then I was shocked by his infidelity.
He bought a prostitute for $100, not even a week later. He has since claimed a porn addiction, sex addiction that he can't control. He has talked about how he fantasizes about my friends and his coworkers naked, and how he can't control himself.
I just don't know what to do. In my heart I know that I love him, and if he truly can't control these urges he deserves the opportunity to try to repair the damage he's caused.
I am mostly in shock and terribly sad. I feel betrayed to the utmost extent. I have no trust for him, and he still lies to me constantly about what he is doing and when. It may be because he is ashamed, but it still hurts me. He is certain he loves me and wants an opportunity to "make things right", but I know our relationship can never be how it was.
What is the first step towards healing? I am struggling every day to let go of the anger and jealousy but it still seems impossible.
The porn never stopped and I did my best to be comfortable with it. We strengthened our relationship through it, and I realized just how unimportant porn was. It seemed that I made it a problem. Once I realized that the less I cared about it, the better things were, everything was going so much better.
Our relationship grew to the point that I was able to trust him going to a strip club. Of course I never thought I'd be okay with something like that but I realized that no matter what he looked at or fantasized about, he was still with me.
Then I was shocked by his infidelity.
He bought a prostitute for $100, not even a week later. He has since claimed a porn addiction, sex addiction that he can't control. He has talked about how he fantasizes about my friends and his coworkers naked, and how he can't control himself.
I just don't know what to do. In my heart I know that I love him, and if he truly can't control these urges he deserves the opportunity to try to repair the damage he's caused.
I am mostly in shock and terribly sad. I feel betrayed to the utmost extent. I have no trust for him, and he still lies to me constantly about what he is doing and when. It may be because he is ashamed, but it still hurts me. He is certain he loves me and wants an opportunity to "make things right", but I know our relationship can never be how it was.
What is the first step towards healing? I am struggling every day to let go of the anger and jealousy but it still seems impossible.
hi - i know that porn addiction is very, very serious, so you were right when you said you didnt want to put up with it. you should never 'put up' with porn addiction. they do need help. He has admitted to you what he is thinking and fantasizing which I think is great because most guys will lie and say that they dont think those things. So he is being honest which is wonderful. Now if you really want this to work with him I believe you can, but its going to take some counseling for the both of you. Its not something that gets better overnight, but you sound like you are willing to stick it through with him which is wonderful. dont blame yourself because you arent the one who made it a problem. so let go of that anger that you are holding to yourself, its not healthy. i would explain to him that the porn and the infidelity are not okay and that you will not put up with it. if he says that he wants to continue to do it then you need to leave. but if he says he wants to change and makes steps toward changing ( counseling ) then I would stick through it. if he doesnt want to change then dont waste your time with him. but if he does admit he has a problem then stay by his side.
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
Hello.
The larger question here is about your relationship with your boyfriend and the meaning of his activities. There's something going on here which may or may not have to do with his relationship with you, and if you're to have any future with him, it's time to explore this with a counselor who is trained to help people with sexual concerns.
Clearly, your boyfriend is using sex to distract himself from something of import that is affecting him--perhaps stress, guilt, fear of intimacy, dissatisfaction with your relationship or a host of other possibilities.
It seems to me that you have two choices: get help for the two of you, or stop hitting your head against this wall and torturing yourself. This will not go away, and you are doing yourself no favors by becoming a martyr. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
The larger question here is about your relationship with your boyfriend and the meaning of his activities. There's something going on here which may or may not have to do with his relationship with you, and if you're to have any future with him, it's time to explore this with a counselor who is trained to help people with sexual concerns.
Clearly, your boyfriend is using sex to distract himself from something of import that is affecting him--perhaps stress, guilt, fear of intimacy, dissatisfaction with your relationship or a host of other possibilities.
It seems to me that you have two choices: get help for the two of you, or stop hitting your head against this wall and torturing yourself. This will not go away, and you are doing yourself no favors by becoming a martyr. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
Thank you so much for your words!
Everyday has been such a struggle. I find myself riding a roller coaster of emotions. I feel guilty that maybe I let it happen, I encouraged it. I didn't do enough to prevent it from happening.
When he told me what he had done, I was completely shocked. He had come over to talk to me, to tell me where he really had been when he was late to arrive at my home, and what stuck with me most was not that he had done it, more so that just minutes before he was able to lie to me over the phone without me even thinking to question his whereabouts. It wasn't a problem to me that he was late or behind or something, I wasn't concerned with that at all. He gave me a reason that he had forgotten a book he meant to bring over, and he was going back to get it. I automatically believed him, and what hurts is that he still lies like that to me. And he thinks I don't know he is lying. How do I tell him it hurts me when he lies constantly without causing him to be defensive?
Everyday has been such a struggle. I find myself riding a roller coaster of emotions. I feel guilty that maybe I let it happen, I encouraged it. I didn't do enough to prevent it from happening.
When he told me what he had done, I was completely shocked. He had come over to talk to me, to tell me where he really had been when he was late to arrive at my home, and what stuck with me most was not that he had done it, more so that just minutes before he was able to lie to me over the phone without me even thinking to question his whereabouts. It wasn't a problem to me that he was late or behind or something, I wasn't concerned with that at all. He gave me a reason that he had forgotten a book he meant to bring over, and he was going back to get it. I automatically believed him, and what hurts is that he still lies like that to me. And he thinks I don't know he is lying. How do I tell him it hurts me when he lies constantly without causing him to be defensive?
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