This forum is for questions and support regarding relationship issues such as: Abstinence, Arousal Problems, Birth Control, Cohabitation, Commitment, Communication, Couples Counseling, Desire /Lack of Desire, Sexual Technique.
I'm 27 years old and I don't think I've ever really had an orgasm. Ever since I was younger, I've "masterbated" by rubbing my legs together or "humping" a hard floor. What happens isn't much...and it certainly isn't the kind of orgasm that people rave about. It's basically a fizzle. I never did touch myself or use a vibrator until recently. I don't actually like touching myself...it does absolutely nothing for me -- turns me off, if anything.
I'm in a relationship with a girl (I'm gay), and she is unable to give me an orgasm going down on me, using hands, or anything. About a year ago, I got so frustrated I spent a $100 on a really good vibrator to see if that would work. What happens -- every single time-- is really frustrating. I reach a point where I feel like SOMETHING should happen, but then I feel some sort of contraction or "fizzling out" (which isn't pleasurable or un-pleasurable-- its totally neutral) and I don't orgasm. Why is this happening? I've never heard of anyone with this problem.
I have a medical condition, Adrenal Insufficiency, but my doctors have assured me that this shouldn't affect my sex life. I also have a very, very, VERY low sex drive. I never want to have sex and its causing a lot of relationship problems. I can deal with not being able to have an orgasm with my partner, but I feel like I deserve to least be able to do it on my own with a vibrator -- and it's DEIFNITELY a good vibrator. I've also tried other vibs which had the same effect.
I get so upset every time I try (its been like a hundred times) and the same frustrating and non-orgasmic thing happens. What should I do?
It's true that if you have an adrenal condition, it may be affecting your hormone levels. Please find a gynecologist who specializes in sexual issues.
However, it's also true that feeling conflicted about sex can also lower your desire and inhibit your ability to let go of control and orgasm. You don't mention whether you get turned on when being sexual with your partner, so that may be a clue for you that you're conflicted.
Let's also remember that orgasm lasts, what? About 10 seconds? It's important to keep this in perspective. Sex can be about a lot more than just orgasm. It's about pleasure, and sharing, and intimacy, etc.
Of course, once you put pressure on yourself to orgasm, it can become a duty rather than a pleasure. Some people become so orgasm-focused that sex becomes downright predictable, especially in long-term relationships. However, if you and your partner are flexible and experimental, you’ll both have smiles on your faces as the years go by.
I'm also wondering why you feel so negative about touching yourself. Skin on skin usually doesn't make a distinction between self and other unless there are some negative messages that are still lurking. Many of us got the message that it's not OK to touch ourselves.
It’s important for women to learn about their own orgasmic response before sharing it with a partner, and this takes time and practice. The best way to find out what you like is to experiment when you’re alone. Check out the area around your clitoris first. Be sure to use some lubrication and gently touch around the top and sides to find out what feels good. You may need to do this many times before you get comfortable and used to the intensity. Find the sensitive spots that feel good. If you're finding that your brain is getting in the way with negative thoughts, think of a very hot image or fantasy to short-circuit those. The best part of this learning experience is that it’s fun!
I highly recommend the book, "For Yourself: The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality," by Lonnie Barbach. It's widely available in paperback, and is a step-by-step program for learning about your own sexual response. In addition, it contains lots of sharing by women about their own personal journeys of sexual self-discovery. I think it will help you immensely. Good luck! Dr. J
I know a lot of girls who have not reached the big "O" that everyone talks about including me, this is something that may not ever happen for some women. I have talked to sex therapist and they tell me the samething. I do not like touching myself because it is not the same, I too have tried vibrators. I was told it was easier to relax when having sex to atleast have a small orgasm that gets you a little wet than nothing at all. Frank Sommers, MD, a Toronto psychiatrist, worries that excessive vibrator use during masturbation could desensitize women to orgasms with a partner. Try this website and see if this helps you and your girlfriend become less stressed about orgasms. http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/sex_relationships/facts/orgasmtrouble.htm
It is unusual for women (or men for that matter) to be unable to orgasm at all, however inability to orgasm in women can occur due to having abnormally low hormone (more specifically, testosterone and prolactin) levels.
Since you have adrenal Insufficiency (which can mess with your hormones) it is likely this is why you cannot orgasm. I'm not sure why your doctor was certain this is not the case - google it and you'll see that adrenal insuffiiency affects hormones and often lowers them, and certain low hormones can affect sex drive and ability to orgasm.
Please ask for a hormone test by your doctor - I think its likely your testosterone and/or prolactin will be low. If it is this can be treated - and you may be having a lot more fun in the bedroom soon!
I also have a VERY low sex drive. I'm straight btw. My husband was my first and i was his first also. I'm never Interested in sex, when I am, all I ever get is a clit orgasm, nothing more. It gets very frustrating. but the weird thing is with my first pregancy in the second and third trimester I was always Horny wanting it almost 24/7. but right after having the child I go right back to not wanting sex. btw i'm 22.
Anyone know what could be wrong? While we where dating we had sex all of the time...
Thanks for your reply. I looked into purchasing the book you mentioned.
Have you ever heard of someone complain of the problem I'm having -- where I reach a certain point when I masterbate with a vibrator, and then it just sort of goes away with contractions -- but no orgasm? This has happened like 100 times...I've never had an orgasm with it. Maybe I'm never aroused enough, but still.
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