I got married 13 years ago, but the attraction of my wife towards was average in the beginning and during last few years it has become still less. She hardly shows any interest in sex and never agrees to come with me to consult the Doctor. She is employed and has got one son of 7 years. How to make her to go to the Doctor. All my efforts have failed and if I touch her, most of the time she finds one or the other problem with me like my body is warm, my body is smelling, mouth is smelling, hair is not cleaned, etc. She tells me bluntly and never shows any inclination towards me. Her other behaviour with me also not good to quote few, in some of the instances she has thrown the cooked fresh food to dustbin and recently she has cut and torn my dress besides throwing out the dress from my wardrobe. On the other hand she shows interest with her two sisters and parents only. She never considers me as her life partner, rather feels that I am an authorized domestic worker. I have consulted the Sexologist and the doctors expressed that without counseling her it is not possible to rectify this problem. Psychiatrist has given medicine for her based on my briefing but how to give it. If I tell the fact to her she will not take it. Psychiatrist has also told that if she is not treated the situation will be still aggravates. Kindly advice me.
I'm sorry for your situation, but I can't give you any advice other than to see a counselor together to find out what's going on. It sounds as though your wife isn't interested in you, and there's only one way to find out why, and that's to ask her. Anything I say is just a guess.
You're asking me to help with your partner's lack of desire, and I can't change anything for her. If this is an important issue for her, I'm wondering why SHE isn't writing to me. Perhaps she's just as frightened, frustrated and upset as you, but doesn't know where to turn.
Sexual desire is a very tenuous thing: it can come and go many times. You can't change/fix her unless she's unhappy with the situation too. Your first step is to ask her how she feels. Has it occurred to you that she may have some issues with your relationship as well? Perhaps she's bored, but doesn't know how to express herself or is holding back for fear of hurting your feelings (fairly common among women).
Ask yourself what changed since you first met. If she were writing to me, I’d ask her the following: Do you think about sex—not with him, but with others? Do you daydream about sex with celebrities, etc.? Do you self-pleasure? Have sexy dreams? If so, that would indicate that you’re interested in sex, but you’re not interested in sex with your partner. This could be an indicator that it’s the relationship that’s problematic, not sex in and of itself.
On the other hand, if she DOESN’T think about sex ever, if it’s not a priority for her, then she may be repressing sexual feelings, or she’s just not that interested in sex. We all go through periods in our life when our sexual interests fluctuate—just like our interests in other aspects of life.
It’s also possible that, for some reason, she’s no longer turned on to you. And, of course, many other factors can influence desire. Is she content with herself, with her life, with your relationship? For many women, trust issues can inhibit desire. If there is lack of trust in your relationship, this may be a contributory factor. Are there any family or work crises? And how’s her physical health? There are numerous medical conditions that can also contribute to lack of desire. She may be experiencing some hormone fluctuations, or she may feel unattractive because she’s aging in a society which says only young women are attractive.
Is she anxious? If she’s feeling anxious or unsure of herself, her desire for sex will be affected. Or she may have conflicting feelings about being sexual, based on earlier issues in your life. Or she may actually FEEL desire, but suppress it, due to feeling conflicted. Are you aware of any reasons she may have for avoiding sex with you?
Other reasons she might not be turned on: If she’s worried about pleasing you, rather than just enjoying pleasure, this can be a turn-off. The other message that many of us receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure.
And, of course, there’s the whole issue of YOUR attitudes and behaviors and whether any of those are affecting her desire. Is sex mostly about YOUR pleasure rather than hers? Or does she feel that sex is about satisfying you rather than herself?
You asked, so I’m telling you. Realize that I’m not accusing you of anything, merely bringing up all the possibilities.
So, to recap: she may have negative attitudes about sex in general, or may have performance issues or be bored or frustrated. Think about the issues I’ve raised and see if any resonate. Remember not to put pressure on her. I’m wondering what YOU think is contributing to this. You’ve probably got more insight than you realize.
Having said that, let me also say that it's fruitless to speculate because there are a zillion reasons why peoples' sexual desire diminishes--way too many to list here.
You've told her how you feel, and now it's time to hear from her. Sit back, relax and don't be defensive. LISTEN. If you truly love her, you’ll be willing to spend some time listening to her.
Hopefully, the two of you will decide to see a therapist trained to help people talk about their sexual issues. That would be a constructive next step. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
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