This forum is for questions and support regarding relationship issues such as: Abstinence, Arousal Problems, Birth Control, Cohabitation, Commitment, Communication, Couples Counseling, Desire /Lack of Desire, Sexual Technique.
Since we had our third child 5 years ago my wife will only have anal sex. She told me that "normal" sex is painful, and I can tell she is in pain. She enjoys oral but will only allow me to penetrate her anally.
My question is that we are intimate 2-3 times a week (usually), and I worry that we may be doing damage to her rectum? Even if we use a lot of lube can damage be done?
She has been to the doctor's but will not have surgery, any advice? I have never been a huge fan of anal sex, but my options are limited!!!
First of all, I can't tell you whether your wife's rectum and/or anus are being damaged. Only a physical exam by her gynecologist can determine that. I do know that with proper lubrication and relaxing technique, anal sex isn't harmful. However, as I said, No one can possibly tell you what's going on without a thorough exam. Having said that, I wonder why your wife doesn't consult her gynecologist regarding her pain issues. If penis-vagina sex is painful to her, there's something going on and she needs to check it out.
You're asking me to help with your wife's reluctance to have p-v sex, and I can't change anything for her. If this is an important issue for her, I'm wondering why SHE isn't writing to me. Perhaps she's just as frightened, frustrated and upset as you, but doesn't know where to turn. Or perahps this is a convenient way for her to avoid p-v sex with you.
Perhaps after three childlren, her sexual desire has waned. Realize that desire is a very tenuous thing: it can come and go many times. You can't change/fix her unless she's unhappy with the situation too. Your first step is to ask her how she feels. Has it occurred to you that she may have some issues with your relationship as well? Perhaps she's bored, but doesn't know how to express herself or is holding back for fear of hurting your feelings (fairly common among women).
Ask yourself what changed since you first met. If she were writing to me, I’d ask her the following: Do you think about sex—not with him, but with others? Do you daydream about sex with celebrities, etc.? Do you self-pleasure? Have sexy dreams? If so, that would indicate that you’re interested in sex, but you’re not interested in sex with your partner. This could be an indicator that it’s the relationship that’s problematic, not sex in and of itself.
On the other hand, if she DOESN’T think about sex ever, if it’s not a priority for her, then she may be repressing sexual feelings, or she’s just not that interested in sex. We all go through periods in our life when our sexual interests fluctuate—just like our interests in other aspects of life. Many women become so involved in the motherhood role, they stop thinking of themselves as sexual.
It’s also possible that, for some reason, she’s no longer turned on to you. And, of course, many other factors can influence desire. Is she content with herself, with her life, with your relationship? Are there any family or work crises? And how’s her physical health? There are numerous medical conditions that can also contribute to lack of desire.
Is she anxious? If she’s feeling anxious or unsure of herself, her desire for sex will be affected. Or she may have conflicting feelings about being sexual, based on earlier issues in your life. Or she may actually FEEL desire, but suppress it, due to feeling conflicted. Are you aware of any reasons she may have for avoiding sex with you?
Other reasons she might not be turned on: If she’s worried about pleasing you, rather than just enjoying pleasure, this can be a turn-off. The other message that many of us receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure.
And, of course, there’s the whole issue of YOUR attitudes and behaviors and whether any of those are affecting her desire. For many women, lack of trust equals loss of desire. If there have been times in the relationship when she felt you somehow violated her trust, she may have difficulty putting those behind her.
You asked, so I’m telling you. Realize that I’m not accusing you of anything, merely bringing up all the possibilities.
So, to recap: she may have negative attitudes about sex in general, or may have performance issues or be bored or frustrated. Think about the issues I’ve raised and see if any resonate. Remember not to put pressure on her. I’m wondering what YOU think is contributing to this. You’ve probably got more insight than you realize.
Having said that, let me also say that it's fruitless to speculate because there are a zillion reasons why peoples' sexual desire diminishes--way too many to list here.
It's time to hear from her. Sit back, relax and don't be defensive. LISTEN. If you truly love her, you’ll be willing to spend some time listening to her.
The most important issue, though, is her pain and the fact that she's avoiding dealing with it. There's a reason for this, and it's important that the two of you talk about it.
Hopefully, the two of you will decide to see a therapist trained to help people talk about their sexual issues. That would be a constructive next step. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
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