Worried

[Brendricky]

My husband had testicular cancer back in 1995.  His right testicle and the cord holding his testicle in place was removed through the abdomen. He also went through Chemotherapy because the cancer spread to the lymph nodes in his abdomen. He was told that he would have a 50/50 chance of becoming impotent.  He is not completely impotent, but things did change.  Sometimes he can not complete, and his length varies.  Then in 1999 he had cath. ablation to destroy an extra AV Node in his heart (he had Supra Ventricular Tachycardia).  In 2002 our family physician gave my husband a prescription for viagra 50 mg. It helped us out a lot. But then on march 17 of 2007 my husband had a heart attack with minimal damage to the heart muscle, but had to have 2 stints placed to open a large vessel that was blocked. I am worried because my husband still feels he can take the Viagra. He has had no ill effects from taking it since but there have been times when he has not taken it that he has a severe headache after he orgasms. He is taking medications one is atenolol 100 mg and another is linsopril and another medication mixed together. (the other medication is a diuretic)  Do you also agree with me that he should not take the Viagra?  I love him dearly we have been married 20 years. I don't want to lose him. Yes I love having sex with him, but not if it might hurt him in some way. We can always do other things to please him and me.

Bren

[Janice M Epp, PhD]

Bren:

Whoa! Does your husband’s cardiologist know that he’s taking Viagra? Please contact her/him ASAP to discuss. Here is the standard warning for Viagra:

“There is a potential for cardiac risk of sexual activity in patients with preexisting cardiovascular disease.”

Does it sound like a good idea for him to take Viagra?

And you’re correct when you state that there are lots of ways for the two of you to be sexual that don’t depend on a constant erection. How about sitting down together to discuss this and telling him that you’d love to explore with him. Emphasize that this will be pleasurable to both of you and has the potential to open up your relationship to new sexual dimensions.

Your husband will need reassuring from you in case he’s bought into the model that says that male sexuality is dependent on a hard penis. Of course, we know that’s not so, don’t we? A good foundation of communication and experimentation now will guarantee a lifetime of great sex for the two of you. Best of luck. Dr. J

[Brendricky]

Thank you very much.  Looking forward to reading you suggested books.  Will keep you updated.

Thanks again,
Bren

[Janice M Epp, PhD]

Hi Bren:

Thanks for your feedback. I'm happy to help.

Please don't fall into the trap of thinking in terms of "achievement," and whether things "work," etc. Pressure is the enemy of good sex (but you already know that). I can't tell you how to "please" anyone except yourself. But I CAN recommend some good resources.

There are no tried and true methods that will please everyone, and that's half the fun: discovering new things together. Both of you also need to restructure your attitudes to stop thinking in the old ways. Step out of that box and realize that sex is so much more than the porno DVD model.

Here are two excellent books, both of which have great information, fun exercises and new things to consider. Over the years, I have recommended both to many people. They're widely available used and in paperback.

"The New Male Sexuality" by Bernie Zilbergeld, Ph.D.
"For Each Other" by Lonnie Barbach, Ph.D.

Let me know how you're both doing. Dr. J

[Brendricky]

Thank you So much for your reply. We just moved and he does not have a cardiologist here yet. I do not believe his other one knew he was still taking it now and then. He had some left over from previous prescriptions.  He is a truck driver and not home very often so he has a couple bottles left. I have one hidden in my purse I think the other on is in his truck. He wants to have it there so when he comes home he can take one about 40 minutes before he gets home so by time i get to his truck to pick him up it is working. I am going to talk to him next time he comes home about this.  Let him know we can explore other options together. That he is way more important to me than his penis. We have always had a very good sex life and I feel we will be able to deal with this and find many other ways to please each other. Half the fun I am sure will be finding the new ways.  I feel bad though when I am unable to help him achieve an orgasm. Not that I think i have failed, I know that it is medical and has nothing to do with him being attracted to me or me not doing something right. Sometimes things work and sometimes they don't, that's a fact. Do you perhaps know of any other things we might be able to do?  Something to help please him when nothing else i seem to be able to do works?  Sometimes not even oral stimulation can do it. I feel sometimes that might be my fault as I have TMJ and well you can imagine.  He has already bought me a few sex toys over the years, and enjoys playing with me with them, and he knows my body so well.  So i just need suggestions for pleasing him, not me. If you feel someone might read and be offended by anything you might suggest, please feel free to message me privately. I have a very open mind.

Thank You again.
Your concern and "keyboard side" manor is greatly appreciated.