This forum is for questions and support regarding relationship issues such as: Abstinence, Arousal Problems, Birth Control, Cohabitation, Commitment, Communication, Couples Counseling, Desire /Lack of Desire, Sexual Technique.
I am a twenty eight year old woman and have been married for over five years now. We have three children together and and two from previous relationships. My husband is an average, hard working man and a decent father. However, I don't feel that we've ever had a real relationship. Without getting into gory details he has been mentally, physically, sexually and emotionally abusive to me. I don't want to be intimate with him, I guess I just don't any desire for him anymore. He of course still wants it, and always initiates. Which is where the problem lies. I never remember having sex. I remember everything until that point. Going to bed, conversations, kids waking up in the night, using the bathroom, but I black out the sex. He's woken up in the morning saying how amazing it was, while I'm wondering why I'm naked. If I was awake, at least I could fight him. I am terrified of getting pregnant again! I can't take birth control, it turns me into a raving *****. He says he uses condoms, but the last baby, only he planned. He knows I won't disrupt my childrens' lives by divorcing him and as long as I'm pregnant he owns me. He keeps saying he's going to have a vasectomy, but hasn't made any action to that affect. So I guess my question is what is wrong with me and how do I fix it?? I can't find any information anywhere on the internet. Doesn't any else in the world have this issue? I would be grateful for any advice and or information. Thank you...
I have never heard about anything like this except with "rufies" or other kind of substances that cause a person to lose consciousness. Since this guy seems to be into control, is it possible he would do something like this?
Secondly, in a situation like this you need hormonal birth control. Go see a really qualified gynecologist and see what she or he can offer. There are all kinds of possibilities out there that you may not have tried- Merida- for example, is the best selling IUC -interuterine contraceptive device and it has a very low hormonal composition- whether or not you could tolerate something like this, only a doctor can tell you- but while I think condoms are great- what you have described makes it an iffy choice for you..
Meanwhile, of course you know you are in a terrible relationship and I can't imagine it is really good for your children. But I have seen your remarks to other people and you don't seem to want to change your circumstances- so I am not going to go into that-- only I think you should see a doctor- and I would recommend you going after one of your " blackouts" and get a blood test to see if you have any drug in your system.
are you taking a sleep aid of any type? it can cause memory loss during. It also strips inhibitions and that can explain the "wild" part.. lol.. If your not wanting to have sex anymore, and he is still virile, well this relationship is doomed. If he is abusive to you, you shouldn't be in it anymore, there are organizations that can help.
No, I do not use sleeping aids. I am on prozac to help with anxiety and panic attacks. And, again, as long as he is being a good father and is consistent with our children, I think it's better for them to leave the marriage intact.
well... there are serous problems in your relationship, one is that yours and his sexual needs severly missmatch, sounds like the abusive nature of him is turning you off which is normal, if you want to make this work he is going to have to change, get in therapy, etc so you will want to be intament with him again. If your afraid of getting pregnant, you can always ahve your tubes tied if he wond get his done, or go on birth control again, but with the tri-cyclic modern regimines have better effictiveness and lower negitive sexual and emotional side effects.
I guess you can start sliping cushed Provera pills into his food to calm his sexual lusts.. lol.. just kidding..
well as far as birth control issues go, if you feel that way then other solutions should be sought. Frankly, from your description it sounds like your not an unwilling partner, but are psychologically blocking out your precipitation of the act. The other possibility in my opinion is that he might be drugging you. If your not being dragged, how possible is it that he can undress you and have sex with you without you waking? Another rare but possible cause is the phenomenon known as sleep sex, which is like sleep walking but you know what, that your Id is asserting itself and acting out these impulses while it has control. Im not a psyc major so i hope the forum psychologist steps in and comments with her opinion.
You do not want to have anymore children and you know he isnt going to get the snip, and i assume your not interested in at least trying modern tricyclic birth control, so your down to an IUD or getting the snip yourself.
Your in an abusive relationship and dont want to get out of it, frankly, I think that is a major mistake. I dont think he will be changing any time soon. It also isnt really realistic to expect a man to live with no sex if his libido is high, especially since from his prospective your willing and enjoying it, blackouts non the less. Your lack of desire for him seems to be rooted in the psychological effect of his abusiveness, it sounds like you have no love for him, do you REALLY think this is going to work for the long term? I cant see it happening. Since evidently you have some sort of major psychological issue causing these blackouts, i hope you seek therapy ASAP.
Provera is medroxy-progesterone, an old birth control pill and is also in the form of depo-provera which is a 3 month form of birth control. It is used in men to chemically castrate in the event of deviant behavior or medical reasons. I was joking in its use, it can cause health problems because it lowers the male testosterone level and takes the libido out, it can cause bone loss, depression, mood swings, loss of aggression, loss of assertiveness, muscle aches, diabetes, and a whole host of other problems. Your husband is physically and sexually abusive but it would be entirely unethical to recommend such a course of action without his own request, not to mention since oraly it would take a pill every day and it sounds like he is out alot. I meant it as a joke and dont want to really give you bad ideas, being in pharm chem we tend to joke about using pharmaceutical solutions for life problems, this isn't one of them.
"There is nothing wrong with you. What your experiencing is caused from being traumatized."
I am confident that I have information and familuarity from my personal experiences that I would really enjoy passing some helpfulls your way.
I am a bit concerned about what you descibed as your current circumstances and I know that you need someone who can relate to the intense level that you are traumatzed. It will be a challenge for you as it was for me to find a trauma speciallist. I also would like to pass on some of the helpful coping stratiges at least the ones that I found myself grateful having.
Trauma is not a joke it's not a easy one two three - 'healing' is a challenging process.
The very first concern I have is in regards to your level of acceptance is.
So the question is:
Do you believe that you have been traumatized to the degree that it is a high possibily that you will require a health care professional to aid you in your recovery?
I will let you in on the medical term for the "Black Outs" that result in gaps of lost memory.
With your experience of having 'Black Outs' have you ever had events (Otherwise Blacked Out)described to you and how events they had unfolded and recall something akeen to what you know is memory recall alike to what is nnormal?
Have you recovered any even in the tiniest memory of a event but it did not
feel like what you know is your normal memory recall?
I am very familuar with a range of various aspects of trauma related conditions - theraputic options - psychology basics and I was just getting started.
I sure hope you will check back and we won't miss each-other.
There is so much more that I've organized to post here, but I wanted to post this short and simple first so to make sure you are going to wind up checking back to this forum.
Please do take as much solace as you can in You are not alone. I have experience gaps of lost memory also, we have different 'stress antagonizes' but we also didn't have exposure to the same experiences.
Take care of you and yours
Never give up, Never give in, Just chose to win! (C)
Thank you for your help.... I really do look forward to hearing more of what you have to say. Regarding professional assistance, I live in a small town. Most of the doctors here are also my clients. I think it would seriously negatively impact my reputation and income were my 'dirty laundry' to be aired. I far prefer the annonymity of the internet.
I finally got a moment to check back for your reply, “glad I did.”
Your current circumstances as you described are cause for concern, definitely.
I'd ask if your husband is still harming you but you've already answered this with the very concerns you initially addressed.
Please do not believe that your husbands abuse of you is “your” dirty laundry, “because I will no way accept that.” Honestly, no one who in general if they knew of the harm done to you. And especially no one who has experienced intense abuse would.
"Small town or not don't allow near strangers to keep you from getting help." Look within your four walls at the your children instead of worrying near stranger's would think, imagine what your one day grown children are going to think. It is absolutely a waste of time to be worried what random people think. There is not a single bone that you could pull from your closet that equals all that of an “abusive bully!”
You do not deserve to be treated so hatefully and your children are aware of the fact that you are hurt and unhappy at the 'bear minimum.' There is no 'maybe' that they are wittiness to the harm that is being done to their mother whom they love so much. Pain for you equals pain for them, 'plus.' You're modeling to them how a wife should be treated. (Children do what you do – Not what you tell them to do.) What I know about the consistencies of a bullies characteristics gives me zero question that his manipulative, domineering, controlling, abusive, non-empathic, hateful behavior is also being modeled as to how a husband treats his family. Think of your precious cargo of kids. And ”disrupt” the cycle of abuse.
Pay close attention that your thoughts are really your own and not a repeat of the lies your bully husband has been trying to intimidate you with. If it is your thought to first consider near strangers opinions as more important then your children's present and future. Please know that it's okay to have been off focus and just do what you can to disrupt their current abusive environment ASAP, "safely.".
You deserve to feel “free and safe” enough to say, “No” to sex and not fear the repercussions of doing so. You give that freedom back to your youthful self – then you give the same gift to your children.
What you describe as “Black Outs” is what I experience too as I have been diagnosed by two trauma specialist – psychologist independent of each other with Complex or Chronic, Post traumatic Stress Disorder and this is/has been one of my symptoms.
So what I know is the following will more then likely be a very good definition and provide a medical condition/symptom to your your black out experiences.
Remember this is a condition/symptom commonly seen in extremely abused/tortured unfortunates and is not a diagnosis of a primary condition. "Nor am I a doctor." But it might not fall too far from the tree for being a “PTSD apple.”
You cannot remain in a abusive environment and heal from the intensely traumatizing events that have stacked up and still continue so to have brought about such a “all telling” symptom. Every woman "damn well has the right to choose whether or not she wishes to become pregnant."
"No wife's are owned they should be cherished for the unique love they give to those around them, even when it is far from deserved."
“Bullies” that are in there late twenties - early thirties are indeed a 'set character.'
The best prediction of future behavior is “Past Behavior.”
You and your children deserve better.
Please take care of you and yours.
Following definition is from: www.clevelandclinic.org
What is dissociative amnesia?
Dissociative amnesia, formerly called psychogenic amnesia, is one of a group of conditions called dissociative disorders. Dissociative disorders are mental illnesses that involve disruptions or breakdowns of memory, consciousness or awareness, identity and/or perception—mental functions that normally operate smoothly. When one or more of these functions is disrupted, symptoms can result. These symptoms can interfere with a person’s general functioning, including social and work activities, and relationships.
Dissociative amnesia occurs when a person blocks out certain information, usually associated with a stressful or traumatic event, leaving him or her unable to remember important personal information. With this disorder, the degree of memory loss goes beyond normal forgetfulness and includes gaps in memory for long periods of time or of memories involving the traumatic event.
Dissociative amnesia is not the same as simple amnesia, which involves a loss of information from the memory, usually as the result of disease or injury to the brain. With dissociative amnesia, the memories still exist but are deeply buried within the person’s mind and cannot be recalled. However, the memories might resurface on their own or after being triggered by something in the person’s surroundings.
WOW. I read what you had written and that's all I could think. The blurb from the Cleveland Clinic is so exact. Why couldn't I find this on the web? I will definately be researching this further. Thank you so much!
You made an excellent point concerning my babies. I certainly don't want my daughter (who is always, it seems, the one that wakes in the night to witness our fights) to grow up thinking that this is what is expected out of a marriage. You are quite right in pointing out that it's as much, if not more, their problem than it is ours. I don't think she's witnessed anything that's occurred in the bedroom. Still, at four years old, it breaks my heart to hear some of the things she tells me in the morning. The two youngest, at 1 and 2 and a half are too small to really know what's going on. They just react to the mood, so I try very hard to make everything happy and ok for them. My oldest son actively hates him. But I don't think it has anything to do with the state of the marriage, just the fact that my husband is an ignorant jerk to him. It isn't often that a kind word is spoken. I don't think he's ever hugged him or told him that he loves him. It's a huge source of guilt that I've provided such an inadequate father figure for him, but before we were married they were great together. And my step-daughter is only here every other weekend.
My mother, whom I tell a minimum amount to, has told me to leave him for years. She sees that he does his best to manipulate and control me. She sees how unhappy I am. She has told me that she fears she'll see me on Fox news some day after he kills me in a jealous rage. I laughed when she said it, but in a way I can kind of see it. He's so paranoid that I'm cheating on him. It's a daily interrogation. Did you talk to this person today? Who came into your work? You want this person, don't you. Have you ever been with this person? etc.etc.etc. EVERY DAY. Shortly after we were married, I confided in him a bit of my history, that I was molested as a child and violently raped by a black man as a teenager. I'm not sure what reaction I expected at the time, but what he said was "You lied to me. I can't have been the biggest d*** you've ever had if you've been with a black guy." Needless to say I was crushed. He continued to harp at me and belittle me for 'lying to him' until I was in tears. He's felt between my legs when I got home from work to see how wet I am to see if I've had sex. He's even gone so far as to wrestle me to the ground to get my cell phone out of my hand so that he could check the history. I am not a weak willed person!! I fought him, but he's much bigger than I am. I eventually lost, but he had a couple bruises to show for it. Which is deplorable on my part, I know. And he's made sure that everyone has seen the marks I've left on him. But what they don't know is that he's smart enough not to leave marks when he grabs me by the throat or slams me against walls or shoves me.
So, yeah, I can see why my brain is being dissociative. Does therapy really help? What do you do in therapy? I guess I've always just seen it as a band-aid to make you feel better...
I don't know. I don't think he's mean, I just push his buttons. I'm a smart ***. I way too independent to be married, I think. When he cries and begs forgiveness, I do think it's sincere. I know that his family is important to him and that he would be lost without his kids. And there are times when he tries really hard to make me happy. He'll pick up the house when I'm at work in the evenings, or hang the curtain rod that i've been asking him to. Or try really hard to be kind to my nine year old son, whom he usually doesn't get along with. He knows that's of utmost importance to me. I'm not making excuses for him, I'm just trying to discern if there is a redeemable person beneath all the things I hate about him.
Thank you again for the information and for taking the time to write. I would love to speak with you more if you have the time.... You seem to be quite wise in this area, with much advice to impart.
You are so very welcome! :)
I have put a lot studying hours in because of my own personal interest.
So it's good that I've been able to help others too.
Sometimes the world seems so entirely small. We very closely relate with our traumatic histories not really a surprise when considering what triggers you to experience dissociative amnesia.
How many times roughly have you experienced dissociative amnesia?
When was the first occurrence?
Another way to explain the occurrence of dissociative amnesia is it's like a computer that 'crashes' because of having no way to process data that's been entered.
Same in a sense is happening in your mind stimulus is too intense and your emotional centers are overwhelmed to the point that data or whatever is happening cannot be processed.
System overload = All cognitive systems shut down.
In my case if I feel confined or my 'free will' is threatened pervasively enough then “Black” normally during that “Black” time I lash out – kicking - hitting who's seen as preventing me from having my 'free will' such as blocking a doorway or holding me back/down.
The memory is literally gone and not recoverable in other words it's not the same as being reminded when it been forgotten.
I have experienced dissociative amnesia approximately 6 - 7 times
Last time it occurred was in May this year and for seconds only.
Sexual abuse is powerfully scaring.
I was also molested when I was a child and then was re-victimized (raped) in my teens and early twenties. Yet another example of the cycle of abuse.
Yet considering it all I was cruising along great for quite some time about 12 years.
Then alike to you in what would seem in the freakish of ways I was re-victimized, that was just about three years ago now....
It was after this – maybe up to six months before I experienced dissociative amnesia.
Are you alright with allowing me to know who molested you?
Uncle, father, close friend of the family etc.
In my case it was my brother.
I want to be clear that my soul focus is on you and you children's health and wellbeing.
Your husband is not necessarily having a problem.
“He is busy proactively being the problem.”
You are not responsible for his actions / reactions only he is.
What I see in your posts is that he blames you for the ways he chooses to act.
You are absolutely not able to control his actions / reactions you can only control your own.
There is no excuse for violence and abuse under any circumstances.
Whenever he allows for himself to lash out towards you in any way verbally – physically no matter however you've been acting / are reacting absolutely does not in any way justify his actions.
You are not at fault, he is the only one that factually has / had control of his actions 'ever.'
Yes, you too are responsible for whatever way you react also so awareness of your own behavior is key.
This has a rather unexpected way of relieving some of the overwhelming feelings within the moment, because by remaining focused on your own behavior (To the best of you ability.) and staying centered on your own actions / 'inactions' paying attention to what's 'in coming' (What is being said, and his behavior.) This proves to be a distraction from anticipating behavior or expectations of what will be said or done while re-focusing your energy to the awareness of what will be your behavioral responses.
To sum it all up: This puts you in a “position of power” because by having focus on how you'll respond to what is “actually” incoming and not on what “might be” or “imagined” or “expectations of” what his behavior will be - keeps your focus on what is out of your control thus resulting with you being 'reactive' not 'responsive.' (Trust me 'this' is exactly what he wants.) When you are reactive you are not at all in control much less then powerful.
As a woman your true strength resides within your inner sense of the emotional state of any given situation when you are being attacked it is crucial that that focus must be on you.
You, I nor anyone has a sixth sense and the only control that we factually have is of our selves.
Physical strength is not what women truly have but men do, so there is absolutely “No” way to win a physical battle with a man.
When a conflict escalates to physical attack = “Out of control.”
Very 'out of control' and on both of your accounts thus he “the bully” will have his battle wounds to show.
We as women are no contest to a man when reactions become physical he will always be the winner, but he is a coward actually because there was never any contest.
(Unless you are a body builder)
Since that is not likely (Fighting by becoming physical) he is picking on someone that is defenseless.
“This makes him nothing but a bully.”
Elementary school was a long time ago and even still the act was punishable.
When fighting becomes physical - Physical = “out of control” behavior.
“You are way too intelligent for that.”
So don't give him battle wounds to flip the “truth” into a hateful lie while 'he' is spreading about “the dirty laundry.”
That his insecure, impulsive, irrational behavior was cause for.
Because while demeaning you – to ease his “earned” feelings of insecurity - Acting on impulse as a irrational and about as intelligent as a cave man (Grunt - Grunt) he is twisted enough to be checking to see if you are the criminal in the place called “home.”
Fact is his acts are punishable with no doubt making him conclusively the criminal.
He is busy proactively being the problem.
He is a bully.
“If you were my daughter I would be so regretful of what responsibility I had in where you have landed and remain, as the primary and most pivotal - same-sex parent (role model) when writing on the slate of who you are.”
It sounds like your mother misses you and really cares about the harm that is being done to her beloved daughter and grandchildren.
She is most likely resentful of the fact that “An abuser” stands between her ability to have a relationship with her daughter and thus her grandchildren.
Abusers isolate their victims commonly from their resources – “The people who love + care about them.”
Your mom even still is fully aware that you have landed your self in harms way and no matter what past she regrets, she 'never' would believe such a lie today to say anything like you deserve to be treated in these awful ways.
There is factually only “one” twisted individual who's willing to say that you are deserving of this harsh insane treatment or “worthy of severe condemnation” your husband. (AKA – The bully.)
“You are not!”
Common knowledge - “A bully is mean.”
Deplorable is not really your word or what you want believe or think is true about you.
How do I know?
No one wants to believe that their bad.
You are not bad - because bad things (By someone who is choosing to be bad) are done or have been done to you.
“Anymore then I am.”
Only when someone is repetitively abused emotionally, psychologically, physically, and sexually by their physically dominate spouse who they vowed to love and honor “tell death do us part” and who's abuse is emotionally slamming them into the ground or to below ground level the damage that results is the lowest kind of 'low self esteem' possible.
In this case one 'might' begin to believe that they are bad but that isn't because they want to but either way they are likely to repeat the abusers harsh words.
I am suspecting that you are communicating from a safe place such as a computer at work or on one that your husband does not have access to. Is this correct?
Interesting.... Our histories do seem very similar. How true it is ~ such a small world. I can't tell you how truly grateful I am to have made this connection! This has become my life line! This issue was beginning to overwhelm me. The thought 'what is wrong with me?!' was always in my head. It has been such a relief just to be able to TALK about it with some one. Your words have had an extremely encouraging impact.
It's probably been a dozen or more times that I've experienced this. The last time I clearly recall having sex it was when (of course) he wanted it and I didn't. So after an hour and a half of whining about how unfair it was, belittling me, accusing me, and saying that I must be 'getting it' else where, I gave in, gave up. My sleeping baby son was in my arm and I held him close so he wouldn't wake up. I remember just laying there trying not to touch him, trying not to look at him while he did his thing. And how disgusted I was with the entire thing when he was done. I waited until he fell asleep and I took the baby and went down to the couch and just cried. Which of course I was in trouble for in the morning. The baby was three or four months then, so it's been eight or nine months.
I can't imagine how you've ever been able to move past abuse by your own brother?! Were you able to tell your parents? Do you still keep in contact with him? I hurt for you...it must've been awful to have grown up with that. For me, it was my friends older brother that messed with me when I was six. Thank goodness, we've moved far away, I'll never see him again. But it's served a purpose in that I'm extremely aware (but try not to be over protective) of where children are and whom they are with. It will NOT happen to my babies!!!! I realize that at nine, my oldest needs to spread his wings and become independent to an extent. So he has had a cell phone since he was 7, which I require him to carry at all times - even to school - and I always have mine. How helpful would it have been when we were kids to know that help was only a touch of a button away??
I think it was that straw that caused my 'system crash'. Just the cumulative effect of the past however many years, I guess. I've told him that I'm seeking help with my issues and he's ok with that. He probably assumes it will get him a willing partner in the bedroom. Pretty sure that's his only concern. He's pretty much computer illiterate and I password protect everything, so I have no fear of him coming here.
My Mother lives only a couple blocks away. We speak daily and get together at least once a week. So we're fairly close. I'm from a large family, while he is an only child of a single mother so it's just kind of a given that we be near my parents. They've helped us out so much; we wouldn't have survived without them. He wouldn't try to stand between me and my family or try to keep me from them or disallow me to see them. Ha! Just try! He isn't a bully like that, just manipulative. Like he'll make plans for us with his friends that I would look like a jerk for breaking, when my family is all home. Or invite people over, when I had planned to take the kids to the lake house. Luckily, he works six days a week, so I can still have Saturday morning coffee with the family. But of course there are things that I can't talk to my Mum about, however tempted I am. She doesn't need to hear it. She is burdened too much already. But she always leaves the door unlocked for me, and encourages me to just leave when he gets in his moods and bring the kids to her house. A couple of times we actually have. But with four kids to pull from their beds at whatever time of night, sometimes I think it's just better to shut up and deal with it.
Focusing on my responses is great advice. I see exactly what you mean. By concentrating on self control, perhaps I'll be able to by pass the panic mode. The 'reflexive biting', the kill or be killed instinct. And maybe by taming my behavior and focusing energies inward, situations will come out better.
I have to go, but thank you so much once again. I can't tell you how helpful you've been....
I wanted to make a quick note so to let you know that I haven't forgotten you.
“Not at all!”
Matter of a fact, I have lots of notes made as to what might be helpful for you at this point, but I have not had the chance to organize them just yet.
I am planing on continuing our communications at this stage and I sure hope you wish to as well.
I am very relieved to know that your circumstances are not quite the “stereo typical” when concerning being isolated, as abusive situations usually provide.
“I am so happy to know that you do have a relationship with your mum and extended family.”
In addition it is especially good to know that she is near by and available for you and the kids.
Are your parents still together and if so is he your biological father?
Does your oldest son get along with his grandparents?
I have a fairly difficult time when considering much of my past and this is particularly true in the more recent days.
“No one said life was going to be easy, right?”
Yes, I do have a relationship with my brother and always have. He apologized for the abuse early on as a young adult as he is four years and some months older than I.
“He is a good man.”
There is no doubt that our chaotic family conditions were a huge factor as to why the insecurities, and well just the low self esteem had been established from our confusing circumstances. So knowing of those grim realities is enough to gain some understanding of what resulted. Nothing makes it right that's for certain but he is forgiven none the less.
“Thank you for asking.”
I'll be checking back soon to see if you have the chance to also.
Because I do have a lot more to share that hopefully you'll find helpful.
Always remember that you are uniquely special and loved by many. :)
“So be sure to take care of the special you.”
Just had a moment to check back. Thanks again for posting - I'm really looking forward to seeing more of your research. I only have a moment, but would you want to communicate on a more private circuit? My email is ***@****, if you'd like to. Hope to hear from you...
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