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cheating
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cheating

I recently started cheating with an escort service do to the fact that my wife will not do certian things in the bedroom that we did early in our marriage. I do not have any guilt feelings but look forward to the next time I am able. My wife and I actually have a better relationship now. Is this to good to be true?
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242520_tn?1211304279

    I think this is a destructive way to handle the situation. You may be having your sexual needs met, so you are nicer to her and the relationship seems better. But by cheating on her  you put the relationship at risk in two ways- one- she may find out and leave or never feel the same way about you or two- catching some disease and bringing it home, which would add injury to emotional suffering when she realized how she got the disease.

    At risk is really the wholeness of your relationship. You are leading a double life and the woman you are supposed to love and trust most doesn't know about it. It has to be emotionally distancing- you may not feel guilt- but it probably doesn't add any intimacy. You are fooling her and you know it. You have broken a promise and you know it.  You may not be found out by her- but you know how you are acting. I don't think carrying that need for secrecy, lying and covering your tracks ( including the money you spend) is going to help enrich your emotional connection with one another.

   A better way would be to go to a counselor and talk through the issues in your sexual life. See why she doesn't want to do this act and why it's so important to you. I believe if you are both honest and realize that this act is coming between you, that she could find a way to do more with you and you might demand it less. What's at stake is not just a bit of sexual pleasure-- but who you are together, now, and in the future.

Pepper Schwartz, PhD
23 Comments
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Avatar_m_tn
Not an unusual response but this is not a sustainable solution or a healthy one in our society.  I am curious, is it always the same lady in the escort service?  You may want to look up the history of mistresses in england for your own amusement to gain perspective.  You may also wish to try enjoying you wife more.  BTW what wouldn't your wife do now?
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Avatar_n_tn
I don,t always use same escort, but same service is always used. I do always use protection and the girls through the service do the same. To answer your last Q my wife will not do any type of oral any more.
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282524_tn?1348492612
that is why, oral, thats all!!! r u f***** kidding me!!?? i think u should be truthful to ur wife. i would kick my husbands F****** A** if he ever did that S*** to me! and i dont care how careful u r with the *****, crabs jump. and there so many stds out there, how could u do that to ur wife.
instead of lovewomen it needs to be needtolovewife
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Avatar_n_tn
I feel very sorry for your wife, and think your actions are appalling. From your skewed perception of a false reality, your marriage appears better, when in fact it has never been more on the verge of collapse as it is now that you are turning away from your wife. How could your marriage be better if you are leaving the marriage to find fulfillment and satisfaction? Your actions are selfish, and destructive. A more appropriate action would be for you to specifically ask for whatever form of pleasure you feel you deserve but are not receiving from your wife. Open communication would make your marriage better, not introducing yourself to an escort service. If your wife were to refuse the oral sex, then the appropriate thing to do would be to sit down and ask her why. Perhaps there are needs of her own that are not being met.

I assure you, she knows something is not right. YOU may feel the marriage is better now, but that is because you are secretly fulfilling your own selfish desires, so you would feel better. You aren't being the support that you vowed to her you would be. I guarantee you that she does not feel the marriage is better. Women know these things. They have reliable intuition and discernment, and if you do not tell her, she will find out on her own, and when she does, all hell will break loose.

You say you have no guilt, but I certainly hope you have enough of a conscience to feel that a moment of cheap pleasure with a total stranger is NOT worth your entire marriage when you COULD be getting that pleasure at home if only you'd stop and ask for it, or open your heart a little and think about what nice thing you could do for her that would allow her to spread the enjoyment your way. I'm afraid you've chosen very poorly, and yes, my friend, it most certainly IS too good to be true.


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Avatar_n_tn
I feel very sorry for your wife, and think your actions are appalling. From your skewed perception of a false reality, your marriage appears better, when in fact it has never been more on the verge of collapse as it is now that you are turning away from your wife. How could your marriage be better if you are leaving the marriage to find fulfillment and satisfaction? Your actions are selfish, and destructive. A more appropriate action would be for you to specifically ask for whatever form of pleasure you feel you deserve but are not receiving from your wife. Open communication would make your marriage better, not introducing yourself to an escort service. If your wife were to refuse the oral sex, then the appropriate thing to do would be to sit down and ask her why. Perhaps there are needs of her own that are not being met.

I assure you, she knows something is not right. YOU may feel the marriage is better now, but that is because you are secretly fulfilling your own selfish desires, so you would feel better. You aren't being the support that you vowed to her you would be. I guarantee you that she does not feel the marriage is better. Women know these things. They have reliable intuition and discernment, and if you do not tell her, she will find out on her own, and when she does, all hell will break loose.

You say you have no guilt, but I certainly hope you have enough of a conscience to feel that a moment of cheap pleasure with a total stranger is NOT worth your entire marriage when you COULD be getting that pleasure at home if only you'd stop and ask for it, or open your heart a little and think about what nice thing you could do for her that would allow her to spread the enjoyment your way. I'm afraid you've chosen very poorly, and yes, my friend, it most certainly IS too good to be true.


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Avatar_n_tn
I feel very sorry for your wife, and think your actions are appalling. From your skewed perception of a false reality, your marriage appears better, when in fact it has never been more on the verge of collapse as it is now that you are turning away from your wife. How could your marriage be better if you are leaving the marriage to find fulfillment and satisfaction? Your actions are selfish, and destructive. A more appropriate action would be for you to specifically ask for whatever form of pleasure you feel you deserve but are not receiving from your wife. Open communication would make your marriage better, not introducing yourself to an escort service. If your wife were to refuse the oral sex, then the appropriate thing to do would be to sit down and ask her why. Perhaps there are needs of her own that are not being met.

I assure you, she knows something is not right. YOU may feel the marriage is better now, but that is because you are secretly fulfilling your own selfish desires, so you would feel better. You aren't being the support that you vowed to her you would be. I guarantee you that she does not feel the marriage is better. Women know these things. They have reliable intuition and discernment, and if you do not tell her, she will find out on her own, and when she does, all hell will break loose.

You say you have no guilt, but I certainly hope you have enough of a conscience to feel that a moment of cheap pleasure with a total stranger is NOT worth your entire marriage when you COULD be getting that pleasure at home if only you'd stop and ask for it, or open your heart a little and think about what nice thing you could do for her that would allow her to spread the enjoyment your way. I'm afraid you've chosen very poorly, and yes, my friend, it most certainly IS too good to be true.


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Avatar_m_tn
Hey,

These folks that say just ask the wife and you will recieve are in a dream. I have stopped asking and say go for it. Thats why there's so many middle aged divorced women. They cant understand why their husbands cheat yet they wont have sex with them. If the wife would give some oral maybe she wouldnt end up the ex.
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Avatar_n_tn
This is not just about the oral, and if you new me and my wife you would not feel sorry for her. I always give her everything she wants I try very hard to please her, but there comes a time when things are not done in return, that you have to do things for yourself. I have always been a very loyal husband and I have expressed my displeaser to her for many years. She used to do the things I enjoy during our first 5 -6 years together, we are going on 16 years. I did this recently so after 10 years of complaining I decided I could not take it any more. I do know what I am doing is wrong but we get along much better now and we don't fight about this any more. I do love my wife but if we kept going like we were I would not even be able to like her.
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Avatar_n_tn
You disgust me how can you go cheat on your wife your going to end up with some f****** disease from out there. There are so many STD'S. I would hurt my husband very badly if he cheated on me with some other women.
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282524_tn?1348492612
why dont u just end ur marriage? instead of ur wife finding out b/c she will, i know me personally i would rather have my husband leave me for other man then to find out about a ***** service that he has been going to. and after being with her for so many years, you do this, b/c the sex problems that ur having just dont happen over night.
and by the way u want oral so bad from ur wife, what do u do that is so damn good in bed, do u do it in return for her. or r u just a me me me people!! i think ur wife needs to go out and find a real man!!!!!!!!
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Avatar_f_tn
Well dears, sorry but reality ain't that simple. And actually some wives will aprove their man seeing another woman/provider,  as long as he keeps paying the bills and keeps her from this "obligation" about sex. And I tell you more, prolly if his wife was very open about sex when he met her and was good at it and liked it very much, probably, they would never got married. Men actually like the "saints" types for marriage, and then go looking for the s**** out there. Blimey!
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Avatar_m_tn
Just for morbid curiosity since the jury is already out so far as the moral judgments.  When you say you do whatever she wants are you saying that you do whatever she wants sexually but she doesn't reciprocate?  And what does that consist of?  Has she said why she quit with the oral?
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Avatar_f_tn
I was cheated on & I retallitaed & cheated on my husband w/one of his best friends...for almost 3yrs. until I came clean! It is soooooo not worth it. I so hope to God there are no kids in the mix. Do you really want your kids to end up like you? When the going gets tough, go lie to your spouse & cheat? We are so very strong now, after 21/2yrs. of hell. Our marriage endured. If your really want out...grow some balls & tell her the honest to Gods truth! For all you know, she's out getting her "oral", too. I was!
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Avatar_f_tn
I think it's great. Let me know when she finds out, how great it is.

When I found out my husband cheated I took him to the cleaners. Woman know these things that men think they are getting away with.

Dove
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Avatar_m_tn
WHAT THE F**K IS WRONG WITH YOU!!! You Cheat On Your Wife Cuz She Won't Give You F****n Oral? How Could You Do That To Her? My Fiance Stopped Giving Me Sex Of Any Kind But Still Had Me Give Her Oral. After A Few Months Of This I Got Sick Of It And I Sat Her Down And Told Her How I Felt And Asked Her Why She Stopped. Long Story Short We Fixed Things Cuz I Told Her How I Felt. Why Don't You Grow A F****n Pair Of Balls And Ether Ask Her Why She Stopped Or Just End The Marriage.
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Avatar_m_tn
That rebecca sounds like one insane, ahem, woman.  I don't know.  The secret might be become by-sexual, have sex by yourself.  Pepper is right, and wrong, as usual.  Don't listen to any guys, even me.  

Another thing, women and men, fundamentally, think differently.  Proven by Harvard Medical School.  The problem in today's age, is there are no more roles, since the birth of feminism.  A woman (statistically smarter than a man), will, in her own mind, try to find the best man to mate with to bear children.  Once the mating (in our case marriage) happens, it's done.  Men, historically, have tried to spread our seed, because our testicles keep getting filled with semen.  Marriage used to work when men and women had certain roles.  Now, I don't know.  With scary STD's and feminsim, spreading seed or marriage both don't seem to work.

I don't know, don't listen to me.
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Avatar_n_tn
Let me tell you a true story - my husband did the same thing you're doing, and now we both have herpes. You are so selfish, put your energy into your marriage you fool.
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Avatar_f_tn
As hard as it is not being judgemental (after all I am a wife) I am assuming that you came to this board because some little part of you knows you are not doing the right thing.
I am no one to judge your actions, but if you are willing to find a different option then there's hope for your relationship.
The question here is: If your wife started giving you oral sex again, would you stop the dating? and, would that satisfy you and keep you as happy as you feel now?
If the answer is yes, I have a great book to recommend to you. His Needs, Her Needs by Willard F Harley Jr. There are 2 or 3 versions of this book, Building an Affair Proof Marriage, How to Survive an Affair and another specific if you have children.
The great thing about this book is that it teaches the couple how to find a fair balance. It teaches the woman just how impotant sex is for the man, and it teaches the man just how important is that he do dishes (so to speak). It expends over the lengths of ten chapters each of one dedicated to one need of him, then one need of hers, and etc...
It is a very easy read. If you don't feel like reading it together start by reading it by yourself. I am sure you will end up sharing it with her. And you might even learn that you aren't fullfilling all her needs as much as you might think. It would for sure show her how devastating it is for you that she stopped fullfilling your sexual needs.
Marriage takes work and commitment... and looking for outside sources of pleasure (that could be easily found at home with a little work) is just simply taking an easy way out. But most certainly one that will end your marriage.
And please, listen to all this folks about the STD's situation. Go check out the Herpes forum, or the HIV forum and see just how many people are desperate thinking they have contracted and std or passed it to their partner afyer having an affair. Wearing condoms doesn't prevent you from contracting herpes or many other std's and bugs out there.
I hope you're willing to give your marriage another chance... research the book, i know you will find it very helpful!
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Avatar_m_tn
Book Schmook- wright wrong-

Don't pass judgement on this poor guy- he wants advice.  Who cares if you are appalled- it would be better to say- I understnad you are not happy, have you considered all the risks- STD- she finds out, how your friends might see yoi if they found out.  

For the women who scream I'll kick his A** when I find out- what other actions by your husband make physical violence ok?   Do you always physically abuse men in your lives?  Has this been a habit of yours for years, to do physical harm or threaten it when thigs do not go your way or you face disappintment?  The women who say, I'll take you to the cleaners- it retribution always the right thing.  Is revenge more imprtant to you than ending a relationship in a health adult manner?  Have you always been so fixated on money and possession that you do not understand the emotional component to life?  Did your unhealthy pre-occupation with status, money and wealth casue your husband to seek emotional fulfilment elsewhere, incudlign that he got by sex?  Even still, if sex and money are so interrelated in a woman's view(sex for him money for me) why are you so upset when he might be getting a better return on his money if he sees a professional?  If he spends a few hundred dollars a month and gets what he needs or he pays you thousands and gets grief which is right?   Is it rgith or wrong between him and his wife- that is up to them.  

And going to your wife and asking for understanding and reading books-  Ha- I'
ve done that- I work on myself everyday to make me better to maybe then make the whoel thing better.  Do you know what I get out of it.  The satisfaction I am making myslef better and a wife who laughs at me becasue I am trying.  A wife who refuses to see that she might changes as well.  I gave up on asking her to change as I know I can only change myself nd hope that what I give to her makes a difference.  

Those appalleed women out there might want to re-think their position.  They are more than likely driving their husbands away with their attitude abuse and lack of feelings for a man's needs.  
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Avatar_n_tn
My friend there seems to be a lot of people trying to rip your head off.  First let me say that I understand where your coming from and why your doing it.  I myself was a cheater.  I cheated with call girls myself.  Then one day I heard a rumor that one of the girl I was with was positive for AIDS.  It turned it was just that a rumor.  I never did anything unprotected and she didn't give oral, but I tell you the fear I felt that day was terrible.  I have been in life and death situation before, but the fear I felt then didn't compare to what I was feeling at the moment.  I wasn't so much scared for myself more scared for my wife cause I loved her and if I had caught anything and passed it on she did not deserve it.  Now most would feel that because you cheat you don't love your wife that can be so far from the truth.  I know you love your wife but you have needs.  Try talking to her letting her know what you want and what you like tell her that it would make you happy that she does oral.  If she doesn't want to do that then talk about having a open marriage.  All this is hard stuff to talk about but its better then exposing her to a STD you love her and I'm sure you wouldn't want anything to happen to her.  
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372900_tn?1315515902
Does your wife know?  If she does she's an idiot for staying with you.  If you were having issues in the bedroom you talk to her about it and/or get counselling.  You don't cheat!  It's men like you that give good men out there bad names.
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372900_tn?1315515902
I meant "a bad name," not "bad names."
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